Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

Holy F%&k am I wound up right now. This is one nervous Friday morning I'm having.

Quick re-cap. I set up private checking & savings accounts, moved out the savings, and set up direct deposit for my new account. Joint checking is still open with $400 left. Even though she received her 1st paycheck on Monday, she continues to use the joint debit card for private purposes (more clothes, lunch & dinner with friends).

The bank will let me close the account by myself, but they won't let me do it with pending transactions, which she continues to make. I don't think she's going to stop. I had no choice but to take her debit card from her purse last night...Immediately into the paper shredder. I felt bad for going into her purse, but she has no qualms about going into my wallet without my knowledge to take my bus card to use on mornings when she can't find hers.

I confronted her this morning about something she did Wednesday night. That night I had a scheduled consultation with a D lawyer and told my W I would be late getting home, closer to 7 pm. She asked me to get home as soon as possible because she was going to dinner directly after work and didn't want her mother stuck with the boys all night. Turns out, dinner was postponed an hour so she came home and let her mother go. She called me in the middle of my consultation at 6:30 pm barking about when I was going to get home.

I was getting home later than expected from the lawyer's office because of downtown traffic. I was going 70 mph on the express lane of the freeway while she is literally calling my cell EVERY MINUTE. I can't pick up while I'm driving so fast. She calls 13 times in 15 minutes. I call her when I get off the freeway. She's barking even more about why I'm late and keeping her there when I had no clue she came home in the first place because she didn't tell me. She just repeats "You're a f$#king a$$hole!" over and over. "You did this to screw me over, because everything you do is to say "f$&k you <W's name>". Then she says, "I'm done, I'm leaving."

I get home 10 minutes later, S8 and S4 are by themselves. S3 is down in the basement apartment with MIL. She's gone. W texts me that she's cutting hair and won't be home until 10 pm. She gets home at a quarter to midnight. I say nothing. Yesterday, she gets home and spends the entire evening on our front steps talking on her cell. I say nothing.

This morning I confront her in the bathroom with the door closed. I tell her immediately to never abandon our children like that. Monster comes out to spew immediately. Denial, avoidance, switching topics, you name it...screaming an inch from my face.

We go back and forth. I bring up S8's birthday, in which she left S8, S4, S3 and the 6 year old she was babysitting alone in the house to go buy pizza with MLC Friend #1. She was gone for all of 10 minutes, but I ask "how long does it take for one of them to get critically injured or KILLED?" She just keeps screaming over and over "They were fine!" I scream over and over "Don't leave our kids unattended."

I get into the shower. S3 is now awake and screaming on the other side of the bathroom door. W just keeps repeating "I f%#king hate you. I hate you. I hate you." She keeps turning the water faucet off. Her mother comes upstairs and knocks on the bathroom door. W opens the door and offers some explanation, but it's in Spanish, and I'm too upset to focus on translating what W is saying to her mother. I repeat to W without screaming "I don't want you to leave our kids alone when you go out" so MIL can hear what I'm arguing about. W says to me "you better shut up now because my mother is getting ready to call the police."

I'm standing naked in the shower, so I cover the lower half of my body with the shower curtain. I lean forward and to the right so MIL can see my face as she's standing outside the bathroom. As calmly as I can, I say to MIL - "Mom, if you feel better calling the police and you want to call the police, go ahead." She says no, she doesn't want to call the police. She says a few more things to W. By now, all three boys are awake. MIL tends to the boys, W offers more spew about how I've never done anything for our children and leaves.

I shower as quickly as a I can while W is consoling the boys. She comes into the bathroom while I'm drying off and says "You know, my friends all tried to convince me that you're a f%$king moron, and I defended you, but now I see their point. You are a f$#king moron." She leaves the bathroom. I get out and start getting S8 ready for school. She's packing her purse for the day, she's tearing up a bit. We meet again in the living room. She starts again "I really hate you. I hate you, and you don't love me. You don't love me at all. Your idea of this relationship working is to have total control over me. You want me to cower to you over everything." I ask her not to tell me what's in my heart or my head. She says I only want to stay married for the kids and to avoid the headache of a D. I remain calm and point out that a D will be no picnic for her either. She leaves.

Before taking S8 to school, I go downstairs to apologize to MIL. I start crying. I tell her I love her daughter and I respect her daughter and I would never hurt her or my children. MIL starts tearing up a little, but avoids eye contact. I reach out with open palms and she receives them to hold hands. She says "You know my English is not so good..." and proceeds to advise me that W and I don't argue in front of the kids. I agree. I tell her as quickly as I can that W is not happy with her marriage, is not happy with the work of motherhood, and is not happy with being 39. She wants everything to be different, and I'm trying to let her do what she wants to do, but I can't have her leaving the kids alone. MIL is struggling for words, but I sense she's already noticed the change in W's behavior this year. S8 interrupts us and I take him to school.

I text W an apology when I get to the office. I'm sorry for raising my voice. I don't like arguing with her. I don't like arguing in front of the kids. I still love her. I love her very much.