Quote: I'm not dishing out blame here. I'm not beating myself up (CHL). I guess I've just been mired in my recent bout of "I feel weird" crap for so long that I've been completely self-focused. I dunno...something just unblocked it and now I'm left wondering how to heal the hurt that's still there between us.
First of all, are you coming over to get rid of the iced tea I just sprayed on the monitor??? LOL
Well Sage, I think the first thing you have to do with the pain is just set it free. I guess that falls in line with the ceremony you talked about. You and your H seem to be doing great, but it sounds like you're afraid to let your guard down in case you make a mistake. It sounds like it's time to take the training wheels off the bike.
Pam and CHL -- Thanks for the visit, guys and the support! CHL, I don't think I'll ever lapse into "beating myself up" mode without wondering if you'll find out about it... Thanks for keeping me honest!
I'm not sure HOW h would respond to a request for a ritual...I think it may need to be something tacit..just something I do for myself. I would love it if he were open to one...in fact, I had been hoping for a LONG time that he would "re-propose". That would have been a wonderful sweeping away of the ghosts...but who knows, maybe he's not so sure that the answer would be "yes" quite yet? I have to remember how hard and scary of a time that this has been for him, too.
We went out for dinner and drinks last night. H was very upbeat and charming! He seemed quite happy!!! He's off to a Red Sox game right now with a pal. My goal is successful completion of much homework!!!
I wanted to put in a plug for the new KLA group that's starting up on April 27th...
Read a book called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. Here are some notes from it:
* Your fears are all about losing control. If you want to stay in control, stay in the present instead of projecting into the future.
* Did I want to spend the rest of my life like this, blaming others for my pain, blaming past situations for my anxiety?
* Recognize the past is the past. You are in control of your present and your future. the past affects you only if you let it.
* Responsibility means the ability to respond in a situation with control and calmness. It turns out that taking responsibility, as difficult as it is initially, is the only road to peace.
* Admit you are a negative thinker. Accept your negative thinking as a bad habit that needs to be broken. Get really good at tracking your negative thoughts. Replace your negative thoughts with compassionate self-talk.
* You are what you think you are and it's all about your attitude. If you think you aren't happy, you won't be. If you think you can't be successful, you won't be. If you think you're not attractive, you won't be. If you think you can't achieve what you want in your life and you say "what about where I come from?" then my answer is "so, what about where you come from"? do you want to blame your life on your past or do you want to use it aas a motivator? Will you use your childhood as a prison wall to hld you back or as rungs of a ladder that will take you to the top of your potential?
* Begin to dream again. Be specific. Give yourself a timeline. Make a plan of action. Take action.
* Your belief system must change. You must be willing to take a risk.
*If you don't make a conscious effort to stop the analysis you'll overload your brain and feel overwhelmed. Trying to figure everything out makes it all seem complicated, confusing and it produces a tremendous amount of anxiety. Consequently, the old behavior seems easier and getting started or taking risks seems too difficult. this is a subconcious way of resisting. Try releasing this type of resistance by giving yourself a time limit. Tell yourself "All right, I'm going to analyze this for two minutes and then I'm going to stop." the mental discipline is essential to stop the pattern. At first, it may be difficult, but it works.
*Assess each stressful situation against the following options:
Eliminate -- Can you eliminate the source of stress (usually no)
Modify -- can you modifiy the source of stress (usually no)
Underreact -- Can you underreact to the situation (usually YES!)
* Trust is an unconditional surrender to a knowing deep inside yourself that everything is all right, exactly as it is. The outcome is immaterial.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hope you had a great weekend. I was thinking about you and your H and about how much discipline it takes to study, do homework....you two are doing so great!
Thanks for posting the highlights of that book...might just have to look into that one!
I know Mondays are hard for you and I'm hoping today is a good one.
Hi Sage, I drop by to lurk on your thread from time to time, I find you have so much inspiring wisdom that helps keep me calm and focused. thank you for that. I was wondering though what your sitch is, I've never gone back through all your threads. I take it your H had an A? do you have children? how long have you been married? How long have you been dbing? Hope you don't mind my asking....just being nosey....
Deb -- No prob about the questions! Here's my sitch as posted on 3/13/03 when I made the leap to Piecing:
******************************* 3/13/03******** Quick recap -- Both 36, no kids, married 7 years, known each other for 17. I suspected A. starting in 6/02 after sensing something going on for H. and his co-worker (she's also part of our social circle). H denied calmly. My feeling didn't go away so I asked sporadically over the next few months. H finally lost his cool at end of 08/02, told me that my evilness and paranoia would lead me to try to "ruin" then-suspected-ow and her H (he also works at same company as H) and that he HAD to quit his job to protect her from me. Told me that he wanted a D., no longer loved me, never did, it "never felt right", etc.
H. quit the next day and has been out of work since. He didn't leave and we made some tentative steps forward. I started C. with our former MC to deal with my "trust issues".
Returned from a C. session on 11/1/02, went to check my email and up popped H's account. Found a folder of emails from ow that confirmed long time EA (at least) and some physical contact (still have no idea to the extent). Confronted H., he admitted having an "inappropriate R. with ow", denied PA.
I freaked, cried, begged, dragged H to our MC. H said that he didn't want to leave me for ow but that he wasn't sure he wanted to be M AT ALL. MC told us to go to IC, that he couldn't help us if we didn't both have the same goal (whether goal was to continue M or dissolve it).
Found DB/DR in 12/02 and have been DB'ing since. Identified 180s pretty easily and learned quickly to shut up, listen and stop trying to control everything. H. has been very reponsive to efforts and has become very loving and attentive.
The biggest thing I run into now is not knowing whether H and ow are still in contact. H's actions are very positive and loving but he has struggled with the words of reassurance. I've been having a very hard time dealing with that but have also recognized (through DB'ing and IC) that I DO have trust and intimacy issues, that I HAVE been keeping H at arms length for the course of our M, that I HAVE been waiting ALL ALONG for H. to cheat and then leave me 'cause I'd convinced myself that I DESERVED to be hurt then left.
Have made the leap to Piecing after recognizing that the things that I CAN control are my own actions -- my desire to love and appreciate my H and M, my desire to learn how to satisfy H's needs, my desire to stop treating myself as damaged goods. What I CANNOT control is H. And I CANNOT control whether or not I will be lied to and hurt. I cannot live my life any longer expecting the worst to happen. I must chose to live it with an open heart.
************************************
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Just a quick one...I'm at school (ugh!). It was a holiday for us here in MA so I didn't have to go to work (yahoo!).
Had a really great weekend with h. Met him Friday night after school...drinks and dinner. Saturday he went to the sox game with a friend while I studied. We stayed in Sat. night watching the Bruins lose (arrgh!).
Sunday we went for a hike and then studied for a while. In the afternoon we went for a super long walk (spring has FINALLY arrived!) and out to a movie (Kill Bill2) and dinner. Today we got up early (yawn!), went to breakfast, took an awesome walk to the ballpark and then watched the sox beat the yankees. Yeehah!
It was lots and lots of quality time together which I'm a big fan of!
gotta run. Have lurked on a few threads but won't be back 'til the AM!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
that he would "re-propose". That would have been a wonderful sweeping away of the ghosts...but who knows, maybe he's not so sure that the answer would be "yes" quite yet? I have to remember how hard and scary of a time that this has been for him, too.
