You are cycling through grief. Remember when it starts you have vast waves crashing down on you. They become less frequent but can still take yhttps://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1our feet. They will become less frequent and eventually will feel much less painful. You will see from my posts that we are syncro-cycling (so I literally do understand how you have been feeling in real time). I have just 'lost it' over the last few weeks concentrate on getting back to your knees first. You can stand later. Then back in the saddle of DB'ing fully!! https://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1 You H has been talking to you, even having decent conversations recently, he has then detached again by the sounds of it, my WW has done the exactly the same. It is so, so cruel, and if it's not this, the grief is so cruel. We grieve, I believe ("that https://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1rhymes" - sorry, grow up Surfer!) because we have not let go. Because we still long for their love in the way we love them. It's very strange, as you can probably deal with a death more efficiently in some cases, yet they are not dead...very weird, granted but dead, no.
My WW said this so many times too "(s)he feels like running away from everything and everyone". And added, "can you imagine how I feel if I am saying that I understand how women just leave their children". I have to ask myself this, how can you possibly level at me anything which would legitimately be down to me that would make you do this. At the time, we were "co-habiting". She appeared to have lost it 'mentally' and was really struggling (for a long time). I hated to see it but all I could do was eggshell walk and try to avoid spew. It was horrible to see and horrible to be part of. I would not ever wish it on anyone - and I truly mean that.
Why do they say this? Again, so many have said - don't try and work it out. But we almost can't help it. We are almost addicted to thinking about these negative things. It's like crack to the brain. You can only stop this grief process by not thinking about it (by detaching). Think about something else or think positive (pattern interruption) is going to be today's mantra for you and I lady!
I think Blu mentioned the Drama Triangle. I have had to learn to understand lots of this as this definitely happened to me. I am going to focus on that again in all interactions with my W. There is a book called The Games People play, by Eric Berne that is useful too. There is a useful DT link below.
What is going on with the DT is a bit weird. It's kind of addiction to the victim role/acceptance of it (oddly your brain can get addicted to the habit - so pattern interruption helps; see above). You first have to spot the pattern before interrupting. I didn't think I needed this anymore but perhaps I need to keep in check. You might be spotting a pattern in your relationship or simply a pattern in your behaviour.
This is what happened for me, it may help. When we were living together my W used to open with a Victim position ("I am so sad about..") I would then want to be the Rescuer ("try not to think like that if you can, it's hurting you, how about this...?"). She would then turn the conversation on a pin ("you don't care, you never cared" [this would then become venom, spew and rage for hours - the kids would be asleep and woken and it was horrid, truly horrid. Without question the most frightening nights/days/months of my life - I have tears in my eyes even thinking about it]). I was then pushed in to Victim - defending myself by her turning Persecutor. It only stopped when I learned to end the game (I had to understand the DT to do this). Ending is walk away and set boundaries - I never knew how to, I was too 'nice/soft'. You wouldn't ever know if you met me however. You would think confident - trust me.
I tell you this as I think there is something useful here and I agree whilst you are helped by earlier mentioned sympathy and understanding posts (I can see that) it can result in sitting in the Victim Role. I know this, as I can do this too. It's probably a habit, a familiar feeling as the Victim. But you are not. My WW and I went to couples counselling and the counsellor told me someone has made me feel unlovable. I now know it was my W (I have let others do that too - they carry 5% of the blame). However, in reality the blame (if blame is the word) is mine - "I let them".
So here's something, do what you have been doing really well. Get back to your knees, then feet, then back in the saddle. You are not the Victim in the drama triangle you are the Casual Validator. What's the alternative, be the person that sits in the Victim role?
You have said your previous BF victimised you. If your MIL suffered this at hand of FIL, your WH may be looking to replicate his parents relationship (it often happens - for eg. MY MIL often dishes silent treatment [witholding], high levels of criticism etc to FIL). He may have seen this and have a hard wired problem of expecting this - i.e. unrealistic expectations of how your marital relationship should work. I think we all have this to some degree (on both sides of the fence).
You don't want the Victim role remember - he has said you should be "begging" to make this work - i.e. he doesn't like your strength. What do you want to be Strong or Victim? Also, your children are watching and will copy. What do you want them to be? Strong or Victim - potentially suffering the same relationship further down the line?
Just observations. I hope they help you today and going forward.
Surfer.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/07/1606:34 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
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