Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Surfer]

I want to ask you why you sent that message because I believe you sent it hoping to generate a reaction, a shake up to what she is doing, yes?

Si, you are right. I followed my emotions rather than my rational thought. I have been cycling through grief again a lot, you again right but you have helped to pull me back out of my own fog. For that I am particularly grateful. I have seen others do this on here and you see a change in approach which you can see is not helping. Need to get back in the saddle. I think I am getting there.

So why I sent my message was to say to her 3 things, 1 stop treating me with disrespect, put the kids first and finally you had an affair. The first was a boundary - but it's useless (it's unlikely that she is going to start answering the phone - clearly), the second to Get her to see she is purporting herself first (futile - she is a WW) and the last I think was perhaps me spewing my hurt (I am really struggling with the EA/PA thing, this was the least impressive thing to do IMO - venting my frustrations at her is only going to make matters deteriorate). Yes all of this was probably an effort to shake her to see what she is doing. No point she is a WW. Full of disrespect and still in fog.

None of this was smart but for some reason I was going through a really hard time and didn't handle that at all well - it was a very rare example of me being "the teenager". I have coped with so, so much, much worse I don't know why she was getting to me. In fairness, I don't think it caused much damage but you are right it showed that she is getting to me.

I coped far better this morning, she dropped the kids so I could take them to school (I do this every day so she can get to work on time a I also get to see the kids) and she then asked for D8's lunch box (we have 2 for each child hers and mine). I had been out all day so hadn't washed it yet. She peered in and complained and then began to interrogate me as to why I had not washed it, as she does, I just said "I have been busy so haven't got round to it yet". She then attempted a second berating by saying "and I am not busy". I just said "I didn't say that" "have a good day, see you later" then walked away and left her at the front door so she could walk away in her own time. She tends to cycle between being nice and wanting to start an argument. I guess that pretty common.

I bought D8 some books by an author she loves and one arrived this morning. I have ordered some Lego for S6 too so they were all very excited this morning. I dropped them at school and they were both very happy. W had forgotten S6 bag so I called her - I was tempted to just text or even pop over to her work to pick it up. I just called and said you have his bag can you drop it off. I didn't offer to collect it etc as I just didn't feel like helping her to be honest. Part of me did - but not a large part. I struggle with this a bit as my DB Coach has advocated doing the nice things - which I would previously have wanted to do. But then I see the cake eating WW approach so I do struggle working out the best thing. It might actually have been better just to text to avoid contact as much as possible for a while. I am going to try and focus on that. In any event she out the phone down without saying "goodbye" which is something she used to always do.

What does this tell me - I am not detached. She was lots easier to talk to, but for the past few days she has started being a little "vindictive/spiteful" again. I gues that has got to me and I am mirroring her mood to some degree. I do need to detach.

Surfer.