Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Surfer]

I want to ask you why you sent that message because I believe you sent it hoping to generate a reaction, a shake up to what she is doing, yes?

Si, you are right. I followed my emotions rather than my rational thought. I have been cycling through grief again a lot, you again right but you have helped to pull me back out of my own fog. For that I am particularly grateful. I have seen others do this on here and you see a change in approach which you can see is not helping. Need to get back in the saddle. I think I am getting there.

So why I sent my message was to say to her 3 things, 1 stop treating me with disrespect, put the kids first and finally you had an affair. The first was a boundary - but it's useless (it's unlikely that she is going to start answering the phone - clearly), the second to Get her to see she is purporting herself first (futile - she is a WW) and the last I think was perhaps me spewing my hurt (I am really struggling with the EA/PA thing, this was the least impressive thing to do IMO - venting my frustrations at her is only going to make matters deteriorate). Yes all of this was probably an effort to shake her to see what she is doing. No point she is a WW. Full of disrespect and still in fog.

None of this was smart but for some reason I was going through a really hard time and didn't handle that at all well - it was a very rare example of me being "the teenager". I have coped with so, so much, much worse I don't know why she was getting to me. In fairness, I don't think it caused much damage but you are right it showed that she is getting to me.

I coped far better this morning, she dropped the kids so I could take them to school (I do this every day so she can get to work on time a I also get to see the kids) and she then asked for D8's lunch box (we have 2 for each child hers and mine). I had been out all day so hadn't washed it yet. She peered in and complained and then began to interrogate me as to why I had not washed it, as she does, I just said "I have been busy so haven't got round to it yet". She then attempted a second berating by saying "and I am not busy". I just said "I didn't say that" "have a good day, see you later" then walked away and left her at the front door so she could walk away in her own time. She tends to cycle between being nice and wanting to start an argument. I guess that pretty common.

I bought D8 some books by an author she loves and one arrived this morning. I have ordered some Lego for S6 too so they were all very excited this morning. I dropped them at school and they were both very happy. W had forgotten S6 bag so I called her - I was tempted to just text or even pop over to her work to pick it up. I just called and said you have his bag can you drop it off. I didn't offer to collect it etc as I just didn't feel like helping her to be honest. Part of me did - but not a large part. I struggle with this a bit as my DB Coach has advocated doing the nice things - which I would previously have wanted to do. But then I see the cake eating WW approach so I do struggle working out the best thing. It might actually have been better just to text to avoid contact as much as possible for a while. I am going to try and focus on that. In any event she out the phone down without saying "goodbye" which is something she used to always do.

What does this tell me - I am not detached. She was lots easier to talk to, but for the past few days she has started being a little "vindictive/spiteful" again. I gues that has got to me and I am mirroring her mood to some degree. I do need to detach.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Si

I was thinking about your comment on bad parenting because she sits on the other side of the hall. You say you see it as controlling but you let yourself be controlled by moving yourself, why?

I agree. It did show control. But we always stood together even in bad times. Perhaps D8 and S6 might notice it less than I think. Perhaps it might be a little about me being needy if I am honest? Next time I am going to get there early and stand where they do normally if there is space. If they stand with me fine, if not, fine....silly games though. Pathetic frankly and definitely not in kids interests.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

You are there for your kids, they will know that wherever you sit. You are still looking at her and what she does rather than doing what you want! You were doing well a few weeks back but as you have said you have back peddled. I get it and understand it, it's easy to do especially when you are looking for anything, any scrap that she might throw out. Work on getting back to the Surfer of a few weeks ago.

I get this but it seems so wrong for them not to see M and D standing together for them. See previous post. I do need to detach again. Going to read some detachment threads again later.

You are there for your kids, they will know that wherever you sit. You are still looking at her and what she does rather than doing what you want! You were doing well a few weeks back but as you have said you have back peddled. I get it and understand it, it's easy to do especially when you are looking for anything, any scrap that she might throw out. Work on getting back to the Surfer of a few weeks ago.

My W has done similar things but I do what I want, we were meeting up to go to our sons soccer tournament. She arrived and beckoned with her head for me to come over to her, I didn't, I stood my ground and if she had something important to say she knew where I was. She came over to me and started speaking German, I know what she said but just ignored it with a smile on my face and spoke English to her. It's her ego in overdrive and her look at me attitude. The whole tournament, I played with my son and had no interest in going over to her. She became the one lingering or moving towards me.

This is good. However, my W is different. V passive aggressive and would just like to stand with MIL and FIL showing the joyous laughing person she wants to portray. I just think it's a bit sick really. It's almost like she gets a kick out of being cruel. Weird. W just avoids all communication in front of others. She used to do this when she was still living at H. We would have family round and she would be all smiles and laughs with me then would totally ghost anything I said. It's teenager behaviour really but it wasn't until I read about DB that I learned to stop chasing for the attention. I have slipped back. But I am back in the DB saddle.

Si I really appreciate your comments. You have really made me think through things and get my head around the wobble I have experienced lately.

I am going to go back to journaling and focusing on me and the kids.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

D8 birthday in 4 weeks. I have asked what she wants to do to try and open up some dialogue on this. I asked a couple of weeks ago. W would normally arrange everything and I would just pick up what she asks for.

Should I:

A. Sit back and wait and buy something from Dad?
B. Same but ask W if we can buy a joint present?
C. Ask for more details and ask if I can get involved or help?
D. Any other coments?....

I am sure there must be people out there who have dealt with this. I am mindful that whatever I do will be wrong, but....also, I am sure W will invite all of her "supporters" (family and friends I really don't like and she knows). She would love that. I guess don't let anyone, friends and family, make you "feel" awkward is the answer - so go along (as D8 needs you). Perhaps asking to do a joint present might be needy? Offering help might okay though?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Sorry I was unclear:

"She used to do this when she was still living at H. We would have family round lots and she would be all smiles and laughs with everyone else then would totally ghost anything I said.

If I even touched her she would throw me "don't touch me" in a possessed way! When everyone was gone she would just want to rage and shout. Horrible really!

It's teenager behaviour really but it wasn't until I read about DB that I learned to stop chasing for the attention. I have slipped back. But I am back in the DB saddle."

[Cadet]

Thanks for your message about my mistake, I fixed it.

[Ginger1]

D8 birthday in 4 weeks. I have asked what she wants to do to try and open up some dialogue on this. I asked a couple of weeks ago. W would normally arrange everything and I would just pick up what she asks for.

Should I:

A. Sit back and wait and buy something from Dad?
B. Same but ask W if we can buy a joint present?
C. Ask for more details and ask if I can get involved or help?
D. Any other coments?....

I am sure there must be people out there who have dealt with this. I am mindful that whatever I do will be wrong, but....also, I am sure W will invite all of her "supporters" (family and friends I really don't like and she knows). She would love that. I guess don't let anyone, friends and family, make you "feel" awkward is the answer - so go along (as D8 needs you). Perhaps asking to do a joint present might be needy? Offering help might okay though?

Surfer.

Buy your D a gift from you. Time for a 180. You used to have no input and just get what wide told you to get. As a dad, think about something she would like and just go buy it from you! It's up to you if she suggests a joint gift, but either way, something would be nice from dad!

[Surfer]

Thank you Ginger. Will do.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Bought S6 a lego toy on line as I bought D8 some books and he felt it was unfair. It wasn't that he asked an I got it - I told a fib and said, "it's not unfair as you have something too and you will see it when it arrived" I told him what it was.

Like all little kids he is excited and wants it now. I have explained it won't arrive until Weds.

Anyway W texted and said he wants to talk about Lego can I call him. So I do. He is upset as he really wants his Lego. He's bored with WW at home basically. W does a bit of blaming in a non-aggressive way - don't tell him if he's got something coming as he gets like this and it looks like you have done this to upset him on my weekend and you are trying to buy his love. Prior to her winding this up into a major arguement I halted her and said I am sorry he is upset but I have explained to him and I am trying to be kind not malicious and you need to hear that and not the nonsense that this is some sort of mean thing. He needs to know that things are not always 'I want it now delivered' so this is not a bad thing.

She seemed to listed and she shared something frustrating but funny and we laughed. She also said if I had nothing on and wanted to pop round to see the kids I could. Personally I am quite okay today and the kids will be too (they are not asking for me, she is bored or is picking me up as the plan B IDK). In short it doesn't feel like this will work for me. I may nip round very briefly later but I will see - I could do with picking something up that she has.

This is an example of her being stone cold and mean hearted 2 days ago and now laughing and joking. I find this behaviour confusing if I think about it. So I won't and I also won't let this behaviour dictate mine or my actions. I think that makes sense.

In short when she said if you fancy popping over later.....I didn't respond. I am not going to text or call on this. It's a 180 for me but being more illusive and less available seems to work for others. She may well just be temp checking IDK and IDC.

I would welcome any thoughts.

Surfer.

[Ginger1]

She wasn't happy with the Lego thing, you explained your intentions, she understood. Don't read into the nice mean thing. Just take a good interaction for face value.

As far as her inviting you, I'm not going to mind read, maybe a little bit she mentioned son was bored, and her invite might have been to deal with some bored kids. Who knows.

You should answer her when she asked if you want to pop over later. Being less available doesn't mean ignore it. If you don't want to go, don't go. But tell her simply, " thanks for the offer, I'll have to pass"

Keep it simple!