Letting my weight down...

[sage]

So, I spent a lot of this afternoon re-reading my thread trail. What an exhausting exercise THAT has been! My head started hurting so I had to stop....got thru about half of them (ok, I was "skimming").

Goal of the exercise was to remind myself what really worked in terms of turning this m. around...I KNOW many of those things off the top of my head...but was sort of fact-finding...looking for more subtleties, etc.

Let me just say that LITTLE on my thread is subtle!

anyway, I cut and pasted a lot of stuff into my palm pilot...will spend some days (+++) coming up with a concise way of reposting some of the more critical/key stuff.

Re-reading my thread has been a very interesting experience. It's pretty funny in parts, sad, too. The highs and lows are a bit nauseating! But I do see some dampening of the sinusoid (ok, engineering humor...never mind!).

It was nice to "see" so many folks who used to post but no longer do ... also interesting to see how my current BB friends made their appearance on my threads! Made me feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ "and YOU were there, and YOU..."

I always feel a pang when I see a BB name and note that there were very few posts that they made (and now they are long gone)...I wonder how they all fared. And I miss hearing from my old buds...Edna and Jim (U24) who first welcomed me aboard, Puckpal and eskb and others, too (Hud, where are YOU???).

I do find it mighty disturbing to see how many of the same cycles are repeated again and again...or maybe I should take the more optimistic viewpoint! The time between crazy cycles definitely grew longer and longer...and frankly I no longer feel the need to confront h with every wave of insecurity.

One thing I realized while reading that shocked and delighted me...I no longer hang onto the anniversary dates...for a while it was every darned month.

It made me wonder...on the one year anniversary I went thru a pretty big ritual (day of healing for sage, etc). It eradicated the fixation on the anniversary...was it the act of telling myself I was going to move on from there? Because I DID do that. Maybe I need to wrap up whatever still feels unhealed in a big old ritual wrap...?


h called midday with a lovely positive for tomorrow. We have our vacation booked for August and he went on line to get tix to a Portland Sea Dogs game. it's coincident with our "real" anniversary (we had two ceremonies -- months apart!). He left a very charming voice mail message about it.
Sage