Today was our anniversary. Kind of a hard day but I did okay, yesterday I was super anxious and had to keep myself in check. It actually started the night before last. W told me she was going to another town Saturday after our plans. A town where a friend of hers lives but also half way between here and OM. She said she was going there and nothing about her friend. I didn't say anything but I almost asked. Should I ask if she's seeing him?
If she's going to see OM I'm a braying jackass. Giving her money, letting her keep stuff here, she's eating here, etc. idk what to do. Crazy, she's flat broke and leaving town as soon as she gets her first paycheck. Then again this could all be in my head, it made me realize how little I trust her. It's sad from many points of view when I think about it. I try to suppress the emotions and use higher thought but I realized I can only do it for stints of time. Hopefully I will get better. What really makes me wonder is that this weekend something clicked in her and she started distancing and acting weird again. Literally, click, that fast. Two nights ago she didn't eat with the kids and I, standing at the counter like her old in the house MLC days.
Last night some lady comes up to her at parents night at school and starts talking to w, I was not far behind and I heard her (not w) talking about custody, incenuating how unfair it was how men could get custody, (never mind a woman made the decision) then saying how it happened to someone else she knows, etc. It upset me for a few seconds then I walked away with the kids and had to laugh inside, how ridiculous. When I saw her leaving it appeared to me maybe she was a MLCer herself, or maybe just crazy, she had that look. Makes me wonder what w has said about me though.
W stayed here last night because I had to leave town early today. I left her a card simply saying "thank you for the memories, I will cherish them for a lifetime. Happy anniversary." She texted me this morning and said thanks for the card, it was nice. She mentioned nothing else about our anniversary.
Tonight she beat around the bush about coming over. I didn't invite her to see what she'd say. She finally asked to come use her scanner. I told her I was making dinner if he wanted to eat . She thanked me and came over ate and never used the scanner. It was actually an okay night. We talked about her work and she asked me to look at the website with her info. The picture she used almost doesn't even look like her. She told me about a problem with her old job/boss. I told her of course you hot thrown under the bus, you aren't there to defend yourself. She told me she basically told her old boss off. I told her it was nice she could stand up for herself now she was done there (she just maintains her old accounts). She also asked me if I addressed an issue with my parents from a few weeks ago, then asked for details. This was one of her legitimate complaints, maybe she was feeling me out on this. We talked a bit more then she left in a hurry again. She was in the driveway a couple minutes before she left so I know she was using her phone. I guess that should be another reminder to have no expectations.
Sorry you struggled at your anniversary Kyh. I guess it's one of those things that mean nothing to our MLCers but hurt us as hell. I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong way to deal with it, I try to ignore all anniversaries out of principle now, and try to concentrate on new milestones.
Try not to think of the OM please. Nothing good or productive can come out of it. Easier said than done, I know. A few days ago my "friend" that H has an EA with updated her Facebook photo and the jealousy I felt looking at that photo made me feel nauseous. Thankfully I'm over that now, but it upsets me that she has that power over me, even if it is for a few hours / days. Concentrate on you and your happiness.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Kyh, do you really want to know if she's going to see him? And more importantly, will you trust her when she says "no"?
You are giving her money and supporting her because you are a great person. And because she is a mother of your children and someone you still love. It's not easy to look at someone dear to you to be so down. But I understand you don't want to be for a fool. I have the same problem. Being torn between should I continue helping or let him fall.
I had a discussion with my kids on this a few weeks after h moved out. S13 was angry with me that I'm helping h and talking kids into seeing him when he abandoned us. S15 told him we cannot let him fall. I told S15 that time that maybe that's what h needs. That if you want to get your head above the water fast you need to reach the bottom to bounce back faster. He was not happy about it then and frankly I was not ready not to help h when he needed as I felt sorry for him. But recently, S15 changed his opinion and now it's the 2 of them always telling me to let him fall, that he made his choices and should face consequences and not let him have the best of both worlds. Me, I'm still torn.
It's only up to you if you want to continue helping or not. Only you can decide what makes you feel good. But if you are helping, do that for the good reasons and definitely don't expect anything back or her realising that she should not use the money you give her to go see the OM. I don't think MLCers are able to see this and you will only be hurting yourself. As you said, it may only be in your head. Don't try to overanalyse it.
Sorry about the anniversary. Like Esame, I decided I will ignore mine.
Thank you Esame and Bee. I wish I would have followed your advice but I let my emotions take hold and stumbled a few steps back tonight. Thankfully, your advice came to mind and I didn't as bad as I could have. It's so hurtful end to a good day as I suspect she went to see OM after a day with the family. I texted her tonight to ask if she wanted to tell the kids goodnight, no reply. A half hour later I texted "really?" as her phone may as well be an appendage. Then I let my emotions get me more and texted "nice" another half hour later. A little bit latter she texted and said she didn't hear and "what's up with the attitude." I told her the kids wanted to say goodnight. She said she answered as soon as she saw and asked to call them. Afterwards she said she wasn't intentionally ignoring me. I told her I thought she was and I was upset because the kids wanted to say goodnight. Then she turned it around on me asking why she would do that. Ummm....I could write a page to that but didn't want to make it worse so I was just sitting and thinking. Then I get another one saying "ok then, thanks for letting me call even though I missed your text." I guess it happens to most of us and I will learn from this too, nothing I can do now but not do it again. I can't believe she would leave town instead of spending time with them this weekend.
She left before putting the kids to bed again last night. Said she was tired and needed to go to bed. I was awakened by a text at 1:00. She said she just read her tickets for the corgi convention/parade (I won't list the actual name since it could bring up this thread in a search) and it started 2 hours earlier than she had thought so I would need to get the kids up and ready earlier. She mentioned twice today that she couldn't sleep last night and only got 3-4 hours. So naturally the thing to do is go see your friend hours away the next night then turn around and come home the next day, lol. I bet she comes back Monday morning super early and exhausted.
We went to the convention this morning, then walked the parade around town. It was fun, imagine hundreds of corgis in one place and then parading around downtown! There were several being carried back at the end lol. It was a good family event for us but W was on her phone nearly the entire time. Sometimes leaving me and the kids far behind; it is so frustrating. I think that stupid phone of hers was a major factor in our separation. I wish she could see herself on it, ignoring the kids, ignoring me, so she can chat and snap chat. I hope one day she wakes up realizing she was on her phone instead of enjoying her time with the kids and making memories with them. While we were walking I thought to myself if I were in a date with this person it would be over because she won't stay off her phone. So rude and disrespectful. We got ice cream and I stayed out front with the dog. When she came out she said she tried mine and it was good. It was a strange feeling but I was a little grossed out and upset, knowing about her A and no attempt to reconcile. D also was digging in w's purse while she was busy on her phone and pulled out a receipt and handed it to me. It was for a dinner and obviously for two people. Second time in 2 weeks. Ugh. Tried to ignore it but I guess that added to my frustration tonight.
Before we left town she insisted on getting a wax, um..... Really hard to stfu when I suspected she was going to see OM tonight but I did. We walked around the area then sat in the shade for a little while before she met back up with us. We talked to a few people while walking but there was one lady and her d who petted the dog and visited quite a bit after w came back and took d into a store while s and I sat on a bench outside. She came back with her d a few minutes later. While she was petting the dog I mentioned we just came back from the parade. She said "oh I saw another lady I think did too, she has a corgi shirt on and keeps looking out the window at us." I told her that was my w, she said oh, that's your w and then left. W said nothing about it.
Going to try to forget tonight and enjoy the rest of the weekend with the kids. I have to go to a baby shower for my sister tomorrow. W did give me a present to take for her. Idk what the heck is going on right now.
Kyh don't let that little setback in DBing bother you that much. We are human, and sometimes we end up reacting in ways that are out of character for us. There is not much you can do to change the past unfortunately, but you can concentrate on your future behaviour.
Enjoy your sister's baby shower
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Second what Esame said - don't beat yourself up over it. Just count to 100 before you act upon what your emotions tell you next time or ask your kids to play hide and seek with your phone...
I'm the one to talk after sending the e-mail I did to my h :-). Well, at least we are in these setbacks together! And they do make us human.
Thanks Esame and Bee. I've still been having a difficult time this last week. W is acting like she did this summer part of the time and somewhat how she has been lately part of the time. Tonight was upsetting, it's about 1 year since BD (trying not to think about it) and lots of other stressors are seemingly adding up. I worked hard to come home a day early and everyone complained about everything tonight. Kids didn't want the dinner I made (just spaghetti) and w said she didn't either and went to eat with her roommate then came back. Then told me how she didn't have that trouble when I was gone and ask d if that's why the kids were skinny, wth. I make them nice meals, pastas, fish, steak, chicken and they complain and want to eat the things that we should only have once in a while. W used to be food conscious and we ate very healthy. There were three big bags of candy on the counter when I got home. They told me what she packed them lunchables today when she was gone. Then tonight she made a big deal of her making their lunches in the morning, telling me how I was giving them things they didn't like. Ugh...
She also brought in a mug tonight and told me she got it in a different town than where she said she was going last weekend. I said you told me you were going to x, she just said yeah I did. She is so frustrating...
I got an email from my attorney today asking if we had made any agreements. We are supposed to go to court November 4th and she wants to start a decree. I really would like to ask w if this is what she wants but I think I know better. Is it a bad idea? I hate to further this process when it's the last thing in the world I want. I know w isn't ready to work on herself so how can she work on our relationship? It's still all me. I have no reason to believe she's done any self reflecting/work. I wish I had more time but she's put this in motion because she needed a d and fast. I really don't know how to handle this.
She's lost. She wants a new job, money, car, house, and to run around and "do all the things her parents wouldn't let her do." We drive by nice new houses, she wants to live there. then she wants to have a mod built (she's selling them for her new job, which I'm glad is going well for her). Then she says she wants a townhouse. Then we drive to a neighboring city and she says she's thinking of moving there. Then we drive by downtown apartments in the nearly adjoing city and she says she's going to move there. This is seriously in one day! Never mind the kids, school, 35 mile drive, etc.
Before she left tonight she asked if she could stay here one night soon, maybe this weekend because the kids asked if she was staying tonight. I told her it was okay but it's hard. Part of me didn't want her here tonight, she's not working on anything with me, insults me (although I don't think on purpose), and making a mess; however, before last weekend I was enjoying her company. I know I need to be more patient and I will keep working on that. I keep thinking about when she went to half of a IC appointment just after BD and told me she thought we could be good friends. Is this what she thinks it will be for us? She's not being a good friend, and honestly I have no interest in that, especially if she moves on, but I keep being a friend in hopes that one day she will wake up and to try to do my best for the kids.
More of the same going on for the most part. W is coming over in the mornings then taking the kids to school and coming over after work, having dinner, then going to her friends. We're getting along fine but I haven't brought up any R talk and neither has she. I do keep remonding her that our taxes have to be done this week.
Our weekend was good. I stumbled across two sets of Jr. Golf clubs, one lefties so I picked them up and took the kids to the driving range. I haven't swung a club in 10-12 years. W asked to stay over Saturday night then backed out and left after putting the kids to bed. I felt bad for them, they were excited. I didn't say anything to w. She said she would be over as soon as she woke up.
She texted late in the morning and invited me to go hiking with her and the kids. She showed up after lunch and we as a nice hike and dinner after getting back.
I didn't say anything to her today but I was supposed to contact my lawyer. I need to tomorrow. I don't want to start having her put things together but not sure what else to do. Not sure if w would feel pressure and distance if I say something to her asking if it's really what she wants. I don't want her to think it's what I want in case she has ever has doubts either. I'm not really sure how to handle it.
Hi Kyh, is it something your w is/was pushing for? It's not easy with them, I know. You never know what they think and how they feel about things. I can understand why you're not sure how to handle it. My h is talking about divorce/seeing a lawyer together here and there but sometimes I get a feeling it's just to test me. And since we agreed that kids stay with me and he continues paying some bills and mortgage, I never really felt it was urgent for me to see a lawyer. I guess your case is different. Not easy! Good luck no matter what you decide to do!
Yes, w was pushing for a d and wanted it fast in January. BD'd me a few days before Christmas and had a mediation set up for just after the first of the year which I got her to postpone. She just wanted out and fast. Then she got offered a job working w/for om in another town and all the sudden she was trying to and threatened to take the kids from me so she could go there. She filed in April and I dealt w/custody this summer and our initial court date was made for September. It got moved back to November 4th.
She hasn't mentioned a word about it and we haven't talked about the r since I got custody. She does keep bringing up getting an apartment. I do think this could be good for her to get away from Mlc friend as things seemed better w/us when she hung out w/her less.
I didn't say anything to her and made an appointment w/my attorney. I figured it would be best to give things another few weeks to decide if I should say anything since we're getting along good. We always did until her Mlc though, we never argued. The thing is I know she's not done cooking but really hate for the d to go through. I just wish we had a little more time.
She came over tonight again and we talked about random things. I asked her if she saw a movie because there was a part that was funny for an inside joke only her and I would get. She asked who I went to the movie with. I told her I went by myself and she gave me a weird look. I asked her about it and she said I just can't see you going alone. The old me never would have but it made me wonder what she was thinking. She was here a little while and told the kids she would stay Friday night. I hope she doesn't stand them up again. Also weird since she works Saturdays. Made me wonder if she had plans and if she will see the kids this weekend but realized I need to worry about myself and not her.
