So my presentation to the CEO which was supposed to be today got postponed until Tuesday. It extends the stress sitch in some ways BUT I had been able to get myself fully prepared for the meeting for TODAY so in theory, if no new issues come up I should be good to go.
Had school last night which went well. got home and h was there...he was irked (not at me!) --a bit wired over a terrible commute and some crap going on with the cable company!!! We both settled in and relaxed for a while before turning in.
h was great yesterday about calling and e-mailing me. He even sent me a "welcome to school" e-mail (usually I send one to him first!) which just made me feel so good. I really like it when he's responsive to my e-mails and initiates them himself...big positive there.
I invited him out for a movie matinee this afternoon. I figured that I would be so relieved to have my presentation done that I'd want to steal away...NOT gonna change those plans just because my presentation got cancelled! So I'm leaving work early (cough, cough... ) picking up h and we're going to the MOVIES in the middle of the afternoon. Totally decadent! Then he's off to study group and I'm going to treat myself to a glass of wine and a light supper at one of my favorite places in the Square. Taking this "destress" thing VERY seriously.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Eat better food. Get more sleep. Give your body what it needs and allow your mind, too, the input, the inspiration and the relaxation that it is crying out for. You are experiencing some classic signs of stress. You are trying to please too many people. You are also trying to set standards which no human being can possibly live up to. Allow yourself more time. Settle, if necessary, for some kind of temporary compromise. The sooner you take pressure off yourself, the happier and more successful you will become.
Um...I don't actually see how this is applicable to me...
Had a great afternoon yesterday playing hooky! I left work at 2pm and picked up h. On the way to the movies I told him the rest of my plans for the evening -- dinner at a nearby restaurant solo -- he asked if it was OK for him to join me! I, of course, said YES so he called his study partner and left her a message that he couldn't come to the group!!!!
Movie (Intermission) was interesting and darkly funny -- did have a "man leaves wife for ow" scene that felt very uncomfortable to me . Went out for drinks and dinner in a cozy restaurant and then came home and watch both the Bruins and the Red Sox get trounced. Actually, I went to bed quite early.
Positives: 1. h wanting to extend our date! The conversation around this also gave me a chance to reassure him that I have NOT been feeling neglected by his studying/school time. HOW COULD I? He makes such a wonderful effort to carve off time for me!
2. h and I had a brief conversation about my desire for another job. He is totally supportive of this even though it likely means lots less $$ coming in for a while. Now to FIND one! That conversation gave me the opportunity to express some concerns "lightly" to h that if we didn't have the same income that he might not be able to do some things that have seemed very important to him (move, for example).
3. Presentation to CEO got postponed until Tuesday but I feel very well prepared now so I won't stress about it this weekend!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
So, I spent a lot of this afternoon re-reading my thread trail. What an exhausting exercise THAT has been! My head started hurting so I had to stop....got thru about half of them (ok, I was "skimming").
Goal of the exercise was to remind myself what really worked in terms of turning this m. around...I KNOW many of those things off the top of my head...but was sort of fact-finding...looking for more subtleties, etc.
Let me just say that LITTLE on my thread is subtle!
anyway, I cut and pasted a lot of stuff into my palm pilot...will spend some days (+++) coming up with a concise way of reposting some of the more critical/key stuff.
Re-reading my thread has been a very interesting experience. It's pretty funny in parts, sad, too. The highs and lows are a bit nauseating! But I do see some dampening of the sinusoid (ok, engineering humor...never mind!).
It was nice to "see" so many folks who used to post but no longer do ... also interesting to see how my current BB friends made their appearance on my threads! Made me feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ "and YOU were there, and YOU..."
I always feel a pang when I see a BB name and note that there were very few posts that they made (and now they are long gone)...I wonder how they all fared. And I miss hearing from my old buds...Edna and Jim (U24) who first welcomed me aboard, Puckpal and eskb and others, too (Hud, where are YOU???).
I do find it mighty disturbing to see how many of the same cycles are repeated again and again...or maybe I should take the more optimistic viewpoint! The time between crazy cycles definitely grew longer and longer...and frankly I no longer feel the need to confront h with every wave of insecurity.
One thing I realized while reading that shocked and delighted me...I no longer hang onto the anniversary dates...for a while it was every darned month.
It made me wonder...on the one year anniversary I went thru a pretty big ritual (day of healing for sage, etc). It eradicated the fixation on the anniversary...was it the act of telling myself I was going to move on from there? Because I DID do that. Maybe I need to wrap up whatever still feels unhealed in a big old ritual wrap...?
h called midday with a lovely positive for tomorrow. We have our vacation booked for August and he went on line to get tix to a Portland Sea Dogs game. it's coincident with our "real" anniversary (we had two ceremonies -- months apart!). He left a very charming voice mail message about it. Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm heading out from work...was just listening to a song or two on my computer before leaving...
All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with a wave of compassion and empathy for h and all that he has been thru trying to rebuild this m. with me. Maybe it's the re-reading of my thread (no doubt) but I just felt such sadness over how my insecurities have prolonged the healing. I dunno...I guess his have too in a way.
I'm not dishing out blame here. I'm not beating myself up (CHL). I guess I've just been mired in my recent bout of "I feel weird" crap for so long that I've been completely self-focused. I dunno...something just unblocked it and now I'm left wondering how to heal the hurt that's still there between us.
I don't know...I'm probably not making much sense. It was just as though I could feel hurt and sadness in h's heart -- just another version of an ASSumption, I suppose.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
. Went out for drinks and dinner in a cozy restaurant and then came home and watch both the Bruins and the Red Sox get trounced. Actually, I went to bed quite early.