Cherry, filing, moving. Gaining strength

[Cherry]

Blu, I hadn't even heard of that, I will for sure have a read into that. He probably does see it that way, as he is hurt that my mil has took my side in this. Bare in mind, I have not done anything to influence this, I have acted as peace negotiator between the two of them, and haven't told her our conversations as I didn't want to put her in that position. But she is a very strong woman, she has been through my situation and knows she struggled her whole life because of how she was treated by his dad and her xh. I think it has just brought up a lot of emotions for her and he has become the person she always told him not to be. But I know that he is probably holding resentment towards me because of that. Not to mention the office gossips.. a lot of the potential spew I could chuck has been done by observers and nothing in the slightest to do with me. I'm a private person so I don't air my views to anyone.

I don't think I have been held back, I had been getting to a much more peaceful place of acceptance. It's just the last few days I've struggled with it more. The raging hormones and sadness for the children kinda floored me.

I wish I had seen this before he came to check if I was ok. I kinda got upset in front of him. I admitted I was sad about this situation, and that I know he is going and it's the end. And I said how I was feeling the baby and it made me sad. He kinda sat looking vacant. And said "I told you I was going, I'll be gone next week" then he went on to tell me how he feels like running away from everything and everyone. How he feels let down by his mom. He's had enough of gossips and bla bla. When he began to turn into a spew fest, although not directed at me, I validated all I could. But eventually excused myself.

I realised he is so so deep in this fog, he is incapable in the slightest to think about anyone else.

I'm not sure what's holding me back from physically kicking him out, probably my own hurt and emotion. Maybe I too am in my own fog.

I now have my new material to read up on. And I'll get back to reading DR for some focus. And I shall get back to trying to trudge on. Maybe it's my pushing myself too much recently that's worn me down a bit. I'm trying to be strong for MIL, trying to protect S and probably overcompensating for the fact his dad isn't around, and the pain of seeing your child upset because they don't understand; the pain I feel for the baby who won't know him. Plus on top of that, I've had so much work on recently, and then the hospital scares last week. I think I've just allowed everything to pile up on me that it's beaten me down a little.

I need to take stock. I can explain to work what I have going on, and maybe delegate a few responsibilities to others to take that load off me. And try to get myself off to sleep earlier. I can maybe take a step back from trying to be Mrs fix it and explain to MIL that it's getting tough to try to carry her pain too. And where S is concerned I probably won't ever stop using every ounce of strength to protect him, I'm sure he knows he is loved by his mama. And where this baby is concerned, I need to recognise that this baby won't know any different, so long as baby has his/her mama, food and love, that's all they could want. As for the bond with wh, that's ultimately his loss. Not mine or babies. .