Your sitch tugs at my heart strings, and even when I don't post, I am still checking in on you. I am in your corner and have faith that life will get better for you. I feel that you are continually wronged by your WH and it's not fair to you or the babes that he is still coming/going as he pleases. He needs to get out if he is still cheating, which it appears he has been (a PA) all along. I have never doubted that.
So then I had another thought, and excuse me if my words are not carfully enough chosen. Is your WH keeping you down and as a perpetual victim and what can you do to change that? Have you read about power, victimization, victimhood, and the drama triangle? I am by no means an expert but my fear is that you have been stripped of power by this man and have now found some power in being a victim. This is not a criticism but could be a natural human response to all of the trauma you have faced. In fact looking back at my sitch I can see how when I rallied support from IC, family, and friends, it was often from this position that he was in the wrong and I was the wronged one; it was a relief and empowering to not be the one wrong doing, but I didnt actually empower myself to move forward. I was showered with support, but I paralyzed myself by not taking control of my life.
I hope that we as a DB community are not holding you back by reinforcing this. When you outline your hardships, we all want to protect you, bash your WH, and then shower you in complements for not giving up and being "the better person." I hope that by doing this, you are not remaining paralyzed and waiting for him to turn around and notice.
So how can we help you get your power back, find healthy strength, and prepare for a life without him? I think it starts with you taking a strong position and kicking him to the curb, as his living there is clearly toxic for you. Then you can find some peace and prepare your nest for the next baby without him. What is holding you back from telling him to get out now? I think you will feel so much better when he's gone!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
