Here we go again....

[matw]

I worry when I hear the "I need space" line. You and I are veterans of these things. 99.999% of the time when a spouse says "I need space" when suggesting separating what it really means is:

"There is an OM/OW and I want to pursue something with them. I'd like you to hang around as my fallback plan in case that doesn't work out."

Thanks TxHubby.. This really hit home. I think I have always known that's what this really means. Its pretty obvious if you think about it rationally. Problem is its hard to be rational about it unless you detach. I am slowly seeing the importance of detaching and getting her out of my head.


journaling...

So yesterday I was sitting in my office feeling sorry for myself.. I was looking at my phone every 5 minutes to see if she had texted me or not. Then I realized that the reason I am upset isn't because she hasn't texted me its because I AM sitting here waiting for her to text me. I am giving her control over my emotions and I need to work on stopping that.

As I mentioned earlier my goal is to get back to getting my private pilots license. I need to work on getting my medical cert before I am allowed to fly solo. I had 2 DUI's - One 12 years ago and one over 5 years ago. The FAA wants me to go see a special Medical Examiner to see if I need to be monitored for substance abuse. I haven't had a drink since my last DUI. My last one was a big eye opener. I was hit by another car and my Jeep flipped on its side. I broke my neck at the C6 vertebrae. While I was recovering from that I made the decision I would never drink again and haven't. So once I decide I was done looking at my phone I started calling the FAA to find out what exactly they wanted me to do, I call Medical Examiners to find out who I could go see, and requested my medical records to be sent to them. I texted my Flight Instructor and told him I was coming back to see him! I stayed busy and didn't think about my W for the entire time. I started getting excited again about the prospect of getting my pilots license. So happy to say I will be meeting with the doctor on October 18th for my evaluation.

So last night I went to the gym where my W works and picked up my kids. Talked to her a little bit then left to take them to the library. My S10 has to do a biography book report so we went to find one he would enjoy and that would interest him. My S9 and D3 played in the little kids club they have there. It was an enjoyable hour for the 4 of us.

We went home and while we were getting in our pj's my S9 comes up and give me a hug. He tells me, "I can tell your losing weight.. before I couldn't get my arms around you but now I can." Well that just put the biggest smile on my face and I hugged him for a good minute after that. I have lost 50 lbs since April and am on my way to doing a bodybuilding competition in April 2017. So to hear him say that meant more to me than anything anybody else could have said.

W comes home around 9pm and we eat dinner together. We are actually having some good conversation joking and playing around. We head upstairs to get our D ready for bed and W jumps in the shower. After she is done my W was like did you notice a package on the front doorstep? I said no but didn't look. She went down and looked but it wasn't there. She tells me she is going to look in the mailbox to see if its there. Comes back a little bit later with a package for me. This was the gift she had told me about last week. I open it and its an Incredible Hulk Blender Bottle. She says, "I saw this and it made me think of you. You have been doing awesome with the working out and I want you to keep it up." I am a huge Incredible Hulk fan and she knows that. I am not looking to much into it and know this was probably just another way for her to keep me attached.

So we go to bed and I am up early this morning to hit the gym. I see I have a notification on FB that she tagged me and I like it. Then she texts me this morning saying she is happy I like my new blender bottle. Then a little bit of small talk and I have decided to stop texting for the day unless its something important. Here is to another day.