Had a really lovely weekend with h. TWO RedSox games (yahoo!) and some nice downtime. Both of us had too much studying to do but as h pointed out the other day (positive #1) we really do seem to be doing a good job of merging our busy schedules.
#2 -- h initiated a conversation the other night about some stuff that's been going on for him (unrelated to me or our m) and how it has been making him pull away a bit in certain areas. Can you say TREMENDOUS act of disclosure and honesty and openness from h???? WOW. It felt really good to have him share his feelings with me so openly. He brought up the topic again yesterday and I told him that it really helped to alleviate some anxiety that I had been feeling...he shared that it helped with his anxiety level too and that he would try to keep sharing his thoughts with me even though his tendancy is to keep these sorts of things to himself.
this is such a tremendous and wonderful milestone!
3. when I got home from study group h had lunch waiting for me. I don't know...maybe this won't seem like a big deal to others but it really is such a wonderful and thoughtful gesture from him...I just love having him anticipate my arrival home and make an earnest effort to make something to please me!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You really don't know me at all, I'm sure. I've lurked around your posts off and on to master some of the DBing skills. You've got them down pat.
Anyway...this post has so much depth....it struck a number of chords inside of me and gave me so much hope. You are so honest....and on a real search that seems to be full of rewards. I love your quote by Robert Shuller, too....that keeps me on the right track.
Quote: h initiated a conversation the other night about some stuff that's been going on for him (unrelated to me or our m) and how it has been making him pull away a bit in certain areas
This is HUGE!!! Congratulations. It's all your DB work that has made this possible.
Pam, Minnie, Mooka -- Thanks so much for coming by, my friends! 'tis true that h's sharing with me this weekend really and truly touched my heart...he was SO open and honest with his feelings...
Had a bit of a mini-meltdown last night -- I picked h up from the train station after class -- I was tired from school and from a group presentation I had to make. Also, I was feeling "off" and emotional due to some stuff that had happened with my class group...anyway...we got home and I was off and distracted and not doing a good job of listening to h. Old time Sage stuff...and h noted and sort of walked off. I came upstairs and apologized "I'm sorry I was distracted and trying to open the mail" and he said "that's ok...you always do that".
Sigh. NO. I USED to always do that.
I don't ALWAYS do that now. I really don't.
But, I need to take his words to heart, right? He didn't say them in anger...just observation.
Tears sprang into my eyes.
Little sage fists came out to beat myself up.
H was great...held my hand, gave me a kiss or two and some giant hugs. Told me he's worried about me -- I'm under so much stress...told me he was taking me out for a surprise date tonight (chock full of positives, no?). that's a wonderful cure for my tiredness and sadness and all.
i asked him if my stress was having a bad ripple effect onto him. He said "no" that my stress only stresses him out when he thinks it might be as a result of HIM! Is that the key? Just letting him know the source and that he HELPS?
Can a gentle soul and a stress queen make it?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am so sorry that life is so stressful right now. I just don't know how you do it all. I'm sure it helps tons that you have a wonderful, understanding H.
Quote: he said "that's ok...you always do that".
Sigh. NO. I USED to always do that.
I, too, almost cried for you when I read this. You have worked SO hard and for SO long! This must have been hard to hear...but...he was wonderfully supportive though. Sometimes it's hard to understand why someone is stressed if we are not feeling the same thing at the moment.
Quote: Can a gentle soul and a stress queen make it?
Sure they can, especially this specific gentle sould and stress queen!!!
Good morning, Ms Pam! Thank you for my morning wishes! I can feel them going to work already...
Got home last night and was whisked off to my surprise date. Had a wonderful dinner and a couple of beers with h. Came home and snuggled on the couch watching the hockey game ... well, until I fell asleep!
Couple of positives in there, huh?
I realized a couple of things yesterday that I need to put into action...first of all, I'm trying too hard to do too much...I've got too many "balls in the air" so to speak and it's just wearing at me. I finished up a court report for my volunteer job (one of the balls!) and sent a note reminding them yet again that they NEED to assign a new person to the case in lieu of me. As much as it breaks my heart to not be working on this right now..it breaks my heart even more to realize that I'm just doing a poor job and the kids are the ones that suffer. I WILL get back to doing this work that is so important to me when I am done with school OR thru a new job.
The second thing I realized is that SO MUCH OF MY STRESS is self-created (DUH ) and is a result of an emotional spin that I put on everything (double DUH ). It's not just that I say "oh, I have so much to do for this court report" -- I say "oh, I have so much to do, and I'm not spending enough time on it, and I'm a bad volunteer and I've let the kids down and how can I fool myself into thinking...blah, blah, blah". The same thing happens with work and school and home and family and ...I throw this emotional garbage on top of everything and it gets worse the more I have on my plate.
Also...when did I stop being TRUE to myself? I don't know that I'm going to explain this well but here goes...I also think that a lot of my stress is due to the fact that I'm allowing myself to prioritize things that aren't important to my value system and deprioritizing things that are.
For example: I've spent oodles of time over the last few weeks trying to put a staffing plan together that SHOWS upper management how impossibly stretched thin we are. I keep having to go back at it because they are pretending (!!) not to get it.
They get it.
And every minute that I'm spending on that crap is a minute that I'm NOT spending on my overdue performance reviews for my people. VERY overdue.
When did I become a manager who prioritized appeasing upper management over managing my employees?
Obviously, managing up is a big part of my job but I've wrapped myself around an axle trying to appease them...I HAVE the data...I'm going to stop pussyfooting around it.
Another example...I had a group project due a few days ago. It's a pretty high powered, intelligent group of people. I actually call myself the "weak link" in the group Anyway...we met over the weekend and I raised two concerns I had with the way we were approaching our project. The general response was "yah, ok, nice points, let's move on". I left the meeting feeling very down...I personalized the responses...I felt very inadequate...I felt irked at myself that I couldn't articulate my concerns, etc.
We gave our presentation earlier this week to a panel.
They had two concerns with our presentation.
Can you guess what they were?
This is far less about "I told you so" and FAR MORE about the time that I spent doubting myself and BEATING MYSELF UP over it.
The #3 and BIG positive from last night (oh, wait, number 3 is the "it's 2:15 and I'm calling to tell you I love you" phone call I got) was that when I talked with h last night about all of the above he very earnestly took my hand in his, looked into my eyes and said "honey, I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping all the balls in the air. I do not feel the stress in our home".
This was so important for me to hear...and I told him so. I have been SO WORRIED that I was doing "more of the same" at home...you know, the pre-bomb stuff! He also told me that he thinks a part of it is that our stress levels are more evenly matched than they were then.
So...what comes out of this?
1. I have given notice yet again to my volunteer job 2. I made a doctor's appointment...I want to get my blood work done to make sure I'm not reacting to something physical 3. Stop putting an emotional overlay on everything -- use self talk 4. Start prioritizing the things that are connected to my values -- get back to prioritizing my people over process 5. Keep exercising and dieting (yahoo!) 6. Meditate 7. Respect my need for refueling and stop beating myself up for it -- take the 30 minutes for lunch I need (even though others make comments! stop personalizing!); take the alone time I need; I DO know myself and my body best. 8. RELAX!!! 9. Trust in myself. I know what the heck is going on. Stop worrying about everyone else. 10. Hang out with h as often as possible. He is my best de-stressor!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well I won't beat you up, (you do enough of that, I believe we share that nasty little trait!)just compliment you on realizing what you were doing and organizing a plan to get things back on track for yourself!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
that's a wonderful cure for my tiredness and sadness and all.
) and is a result of an emotional spin that I put on everything (double DUH 
). It's not just that I say "oh, I have so much to do for this court report" -- I say "oh, I have so much to do, and I'm not spending enough time on it, and I'm a bad volunteer and I've let the kids down and how can I fool myself into thinking...blah, blah, blah". The same thing happens with work and school and home and family and ...I throw this emotional garbage on top of everything and it gets worse the more I have on my plate.