Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[SH_]

Jim,

I pray that you will take about 10 steps backwards and try and look at all of this with a different perspective...

This community has come out in droves with support, experienced advice, valid questions and observations...

You have received perspectives from the male point of view, the female point of view, father POV and the mother POV, veteran DBers, new Dbers, LBS of WS and WAS...

The feedback has been overwhelmingly of the same thoughts...

You ask advice, and then you shoot it down if it does not align with your POV...
There has been 2x4's there has been love, confusion and WTF? style of advice shared with you...

And the one constant is that you have stayed firm with the same themes...
The theme that if only you had not moved, you would not be in this situation...
If only you had not filed for D, you would not be in this situation...
If only you would have done what she wanted , you would not be in this situation..

The theme that you will move back to Toronto after the decision in the courts...(you say that you will wait and see what the courts say before making this decision, but you never shared what decision the court would have to make for you not to move to Toronto)...
I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you have only had one decision made and that is to go back.

Do you know what you are not addressing in your themes?
Your STBX, is a WW. According to what you have shared.
Have you not read sandi2's extensive explanations and experiences with this?
You wanted her advice most recently...and then countered most of what she shared.
Your decision does not seem to align with DB principles, sandis advice, nor the feedback of so many that have traveled the road before you.

There is a quote from Tony Robbins "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've take a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided."

And since you shared a Tony Robbins quote...I am sure you know I am a big quote guy, so I have to respond to your use and interpretation...

Vanilla is correct in what she replied...

Do not confuse Tonys quote to make emphasis on the word "Decision"...His purpose for the quote was to ensure that one takes action...but I assure you he does not encourage taking poor action and then saying it was a good decision...

So google how Tony makes his decisions...I think that if you use the steps that he uses and you do so with an honest look at your options here, you will then take the right action.

JK, I do not say this to put you on the defensive, nor have you explain what you mean or don't mean...

I observe patterns...
Patterns come from repetitive behaviors and thoughts...
Patterns are habits...
Habits are often times difficult to break.
The first step to breaking any habit is to identify first that we have a poor habit.

I have shared with you on several occasions to seek out information on the "victim mentality". recently I encouraged you to seek out information on the "relationship martyr".

Have you looked at the information for these?
Your story and thread contains much patterns of behavior that align with these concepts.

Some of the signs that are patterns in your threads-
Asking for suggestions for your issues and then rejecting it-Relationship Martyr
Defensivness-Victim mentality
Behave as if you are trapped, but better solutions are available-Relationship Martyr
Set self up for failure-Victim mentality
Appear very capable to others, but may see yourself dependent on your S-Relationship Martyr
Passive agressive tendencies -Victim mentality

Another Tony Robbins quote to ponder on.

"We will act consistently with our view of who we truly are, whether that view is accurate or not."


JmKao,

I hesitate to post this as you appear very set in your decision and rightfully so.
You are your own man, and you should go with your heart, mind and soul...
We all should make decisions with such conviction...

I share this with you and then will step back.
I do so while lending you all of my support, my compassion, and heartfelt concern for a fellow father that has gone through a very difficult ordeal that I do know the pain that comes with it...I will never understand the pain of being married for a handful of years and having 5 sons when the BD comes, but I can understand the dark cloud and extreme sense of loss and desire for it all to end when the BD comes...

I do pray for you and your family daily...You are in my thoughts often as I cheer for good things to happen.

I have said this to you several times and I will say it again, You are an awesome example to many fathers out there for what you have done in this past year with 5 young sons...5 young boys that would not have a father if you had not come along and had compassion and true love in your heart to adopt them and make them a part of your family...
Jim, you are not a perfect man, you have not made all good decisions, but who of us have?
I simply pray that you step out of yourself...heed the very sound advice you have been given from experienced persons...get on your knees and pray to whatever power you hold dear to your heart...and open your heart to listen...listen...take time to clear your head... be in a place of peace and calm before any decision is made.


You will not regret whatever decision you make if you do this...

JimKao I support you and will be available for you no matter the path you choose.

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."
Tony Robbins

May you find peace in your heart and calm in your spirit and strength in your resolve to be the best dam father for those precious young boys.