Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[mvgfwd2]

Your understanding of your STBXs POV is through your value system. Not really valid since hers is out of wack in selfishville.

As an example, if you are in her shoes and your option was to move to where the boys are now to get 50/50 custody versus getting the 25/75, what would you choose? My guess is you would not hesitate to move to get 50/50. That is your value system. Hers accepts 25/75 because her value system doesn't care as much.

[Painter]

Jim, why did you go through this long and expensive process of getting custody and primary residence for the children in your state?

It seems very strange that you would change your mind the same day you reach the goal you fought so hard for?

[DonH]

Jim I really hope you will answer painters question as I, and I'm pretty sure others here don't get that either. Please help us understand - and help yourself try to find some clarity by explaining how these are both good ideas.

[sandi2]

Jim, I saw a post from you on another thread that sounded as if you
were a little bitter about the tough love advice you received, and wished you would have stuck with Chuck's advice. You talked as though you believed things would have worked out, but that you were advised not to make that move. That has mainly been my reason for remaining quiet on this last decision you are considering.

This is your life to live as you see fit. You don't have to do a darn thing anyone may suggest. As your board friends, we are very concerned for you and your children. This child custody and D has been very stressful & draining on you. When a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally stressed over the period of time you have faced.....and over the most important part of your life.....making decisions that have lifelong effects may not be a wise thing to do for a while.

I read a book on how various experiences in life affects the stress level in a person. Coming in as number one on the worst stress possible was death/divorce. It also stated that a person should not make big decisions (like selling a house, moving the family, changing jobs, etc.) until that stress level had reduced sufficiently. We are likely to make bad decisions when over stressed.

I believe I understand your POV about not wanting daycares and nannies to raise your children, and how you had rather leave them in the hands of their mother. You are comfortable providing the finances and letting her fill the role of SAHM/homemaker. As a parent, I also understand sacrifices we make for our children. Nobody doubts that you want what is best for your boys.

The issue that most of us seem to agree on is your WW. You speak of her capable skills, and at one time she may have been the idea mother...IDK. However, based on your own accounts, she is extremely entitled, spoiled, angry, bossy, and selfish.....not to mention her waywardness in the M. This custody/divorce settlement has done nothing to change her, as far as we can tell by her actions. She wasted no time in making sure you would continue supporting her. She was priority on her agenda. In her usual style, she insured her own provisions by selfishly refusing to work and take care of her responsibilities (although she would be single). She would not compromise....much less, sacrifice, and move where her children were living & in school, even if you supported her! What does that tell you about the mother of these children? You see, it's not just about a woman's capable skills to run a home and take care of children. It is what kind of person she is.....and will be molding these boys to become. With as much anger and hate as she currently has for you, it can't help but influence those children. Imagine what these children will hear and see displayed from their mother figure, and how her ugly attitudes, selfishness, etc., will affect them as individuals.

I don't mean to make things more difficult, I only want you to take plenty of time before making this extreme move. Give it time to see what she does after the court's decision has time to sink into her brain. She is still wayward! She can change, but so far, she hasn't. This may be the first "loss" she's ever experienced in her life, IDK. I only know that you are ready to undo the loss for her.

[tfish08]

Jim!!!!!!!!!!!
Breathe and focus on you and your boys. This is a knee jerk reaction to her not "coming to her senses". Tell me how this benefits the boys. They can tell their mommy has been distant even when with them. You have been their stable point and are about to undue that stability you formed by moving. Then why fight at all??? At this point it is no longer about You or her...it is about the boys and sorry to tell you this but a mom like your Ex is not going to aid in their development. She is all about her..you are all about her..WHO is all about the boys??
As a mom to 4boys i will tell you there is no way in hell> I could fathom moving to a different country and being ok with seeing them once a month.
Please take a step back and let go
Let her go.
Be the lighthouse for the boys. Do not keep moving them around. Stand up for them. Why move them destabilize them.. all to end up with a woman who has not shown much interest in them. Why cause them that pain

[Mach1]

I don't mean to make things more difficult, I only want you to take plenty of time before making this extreme move. Give it time to see what she does after the court's decision has time to sink into her brain. She is still wayward! She can change, but so far, she hasn't. This may be the first "loss" she's ever experienced in her life, IDK. I only know that you are ready to undo the loss for her.

I couldn't agree more...

Jim, I get the feeling, that you had some expectations that this wouldn't go this far. And somewhere in the "process", she would see the error of her ways and want to come back ???

IF.....IF that was the situation...

Then maybe you have the same type of expectation, about giving up hard fought custody to her....

???

And IF that is the case...

Then you should really take some time to figure out WHY you are making that decision.....

[J5K]

Jim, I saw a post from you on another thread that sounded as if you
were a little bitter about the tough love advice you received, and wished you would have stuck with Chuck's advice. You talked as though you believed things would have worked out, but that you were advised not to make that move. That has mainly been my reason for remaining quiet on this last decision you are considering.

I am not bitter about the tough love. Hindsight is 20/20. That was ALL my decision and choice. Obviously it did not go the way I planned. IDK that it would have been different had I moved up there the first time around. It may have prolonged the inevitable. When I pulled my transfer back it was based on an emotional decision which contributed my 50% of leading me down a path to D.

This is your life to live as you see fit. You don't have to do a darn thing anyone may suggest. As your board friends, we are very concerned for you and your children. This child custody and D has been very stressful & draining on you. When a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally stressed over the period of time you have faced.....and over the most important part of your life.....making decisions that have lifelong effects may not be a wise thing to do for a while.

I really do appreciate everyone's concern for my boys and my well being. Please do not get me wrong, it touches my heart that so many people are trying to guide me to make the right choices both from the boards and the support I have from family and friends.

I read a book on how various experiences in life affects the stress level in a person. Coming in as number one on the worst stress possible was death/divorce. It also stated that a person should not make big decisions (like selling a house, moving the family, changing jobs, etc.) until that stress level had reduced sufficiently. We are likely to make bad decisions when over stressed.

I no longer have anxiety. I feel that is what got me here in the first place, my knee jerk reaction to file back in December of 2015. As far as STBX and I are concerned, I am not sure I even want an M with her again. I don't want to think about that at this time. I do know that I can make choices that are more positive for all 7 of us.

I believe I understand your POV about not wanting daycares and nannies to raise your children, and how you had rather leave them in the hands of their mother. You are comfortable providing the finances and letting her fill the role of SAHM/homemaker. As a parent, I also understand sacrifices we make for our children. Nobody doubts that you want what is best for your boys.

When I look at the long term, the next 15 years until my youngest turns 18, it is not fiscally realistic for me to stay here with them. The D has only made it more difficult for me to be financially stable long term. I would rather pay child support than daycare and have a smaller home where the boys can stay with me either 50 percent of the time or less. I just want them to have stability and not be travelling once a month for a long weekend between Michigan and Toronto. It is too much. I can make a life anywhere.

The issue that most of us seem to agree on is your WW. You speak of her capable skills, and at one time she may have been the idea mother...IDK. However, based on your own accounts, she is extremely entitled, spoiled, angry, bossy, and selfish.....not to mention her waywardness in the M. This custody/divorce settlement has done nothing to change her, as far as we can tell by her actions. She wasted no time in making sure you would continue supporting her. She was priority on her agenda. In her usual style, she insured her own provisions by selfishly refusing to work and take care of her responsibilities (although she would be single). She would not compromise....much less, sacrifice, and move where her children were living & in school, even if you supported her! What does that tell you about the mother of these children? You see, it's not just about a woman's capable skills to run a home and take care of children. It is what kind of person she is.....and will be molding these boys to become. With as much anger and hate as she currently has for you, it can't help but influence those children. Imagine what these children will hear and see displayed from their mother figure, and how her ugly attitudes, selfishness, etc., will affect them as individuals.

I don't mean to make things more difficult, I only want you to take plenty of time before making this extreme move. Give it time to see what she does after the court's decision has time to sink into her brain. She is still wayward! She can change, but so far, she hasn't. This may be the first "loss" she's ever experienced in her life, IDK. I only know that you are ready to undo the loss for her.

I agree, she is a spoiled princess and there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know how much responsibility she wants to take on with respect to the boys but I do know that I can always fill that void that she leaves. I do not feel I am making another knee jerk reaction. This decision has been flip flopping in my head for a year now and it has turned in a negative direction for my family. I want to make it more positive even if we are D'd. Who knows what the future will hold, I don't want to speculate anymore and I don't have to take her criticism either way. I can no longer let fear control me or worry about what STBX says about me. My actions are the only way to ensure a more positive environment for me and the boys.

There is a quote from Tony Robbins "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've take a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided."

I recently read one of PsySara's latest posts that if her WAH does D, she would still like him to be part of their children's lives and attend birthday parties, etc. Ideally I would like that too, I just don't know how that would happen in the near term whoever had custody of the boys. At some point in time both of us need to let go of all the anger and resentment that has brought us to this point, for the sake of the boys.

I do not plan on doing anything right away. My L said that STBX's L still needs to go in front of the court on Oct 7th and review everything. D will not be finalized until the end of October. So until I see the results and am officially D'd, I am maintaining the status quo.

[Vanilla]

Jim

Deciding to do nothing is a delightful is a decision and often a positive choice.

Tony I believe is referring to no decision, I think so. Doing nothing is ok.

Time, you have time.

V

[J5K]

So the other day STBX texts me and asks what time we are doing the exchange this Friday. It is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. I told her I would be bringing the boys up since I have business there this weekend. She responded with "that's great"!

She then asks if I can pack some nice clothes for them for Thanksgiving. I said "sure". My interpretation of tough love would be to tell her to go buy her own clothes now, but I am not an a$$hole.

Should I tell her it's not my job anymore to provide for her even if it has to do with the boys?

[Rose888]

Given your custody schedule, it's unreasonable for each parent to keep clothes for the boys. Her request seems fine.