Eating Life with a Big Spoon

[HaWho]

I am telling you, living with the MLCer is like living in a parallel universe. H must be wearing those Galaxy goggles and watching a different story altogether.

The last few weekends have been tough. I have been in a lot of pain. It's the one year anniversary of me dealing with the letter and I am feeling it. I know next year will be easier as I hardly feel BD anymore and that was 2 years ago.
H has been locked away in his dorm room. Lots of music. Saturday he went out and I knew it was coming. Beforehand he always acts like he is trying to earn a Boy Scouts badge. He was around the kids and walked the dog early so I could sniff something was up. At 7 he announced he was going out for the night. s11 asked where and h gave absolutely no answer; he just walked right on by! Lovely. And that was hard because it was just like the hardcore replay days. It triggered me right back to those emotions.

The next day, I acted as if. We were driving to S11's game and h pointed out a dead animal in the road that was there at 6 AM that morning. He asked if he woke us when he went to drive and listen to music. I said not a word and left S11 to answer. I never heard him leave. Guess he was worried I knew he snuck out and he ratted on himself.

Nights are very difficult for him. The TV is on all night in the dorm room. Some nights music is blaring until 4AM. Saturday h slept most of the day as he was up all night with music the night before.

S11 had an overnight field trip today. Somehow I missed that parents were doing a send off for the kids when the bus left? H sent me a nasty text asking me if I was taking the day off from parenting.

I asked what he meant and he told me parents were waving kids off. He really laid a heavy guilt trip on me. I thanked him for being there. And thank goodness he was! I told him I just misunderstood. (Also I am stressed out about S13's workload, processing the pain of the letter and I have an eye issue that Inmnow is stress induced.)

Then a few minutes later, I stuck up for myself. I told him I wished he could be more respectful to me. I made a mistake and asked why his response was "you're a bad mom" vs. "hey, you missed this, are you okay?" I did all son's laundry for the trip, had everything he needed on the list, packed all his food and completed every task (it was A LOT of prep)! The night before we cuddled for a while and talked about the trip. This, after reading together for the night. (H meanwhile was in the dorm room listening to music and didn't lift a pinky finger to prepare!). And in the morning I kissed s11 and said see you tomorrow. I know S11 will understand I made a mistake and that I am not a bad mom. I have a VERY clear conscience on this front.

When asked why h thinks the worst of me, he went back to the past and reminded me that 2 years ago I showed up at a family night at school without my wedding rings on. Um, yeah, what he neglected to mention is that this was 2 DAYS after he told me he was going to get an apartment and sleep around (after lying to my face and saying nothing was up when I asked where he was going all the time!). So I reminded him of all this and said, considering the circumstances I KNOW I handled things pretty well. I told him I was in tremendous pain and yes, I acknowledged (again) I have made mistakes. (Thank goodness h is not on any judiciary boards!!)

I am done apologizing. I have given genuine apologies for all my various flaws. I have offered to go to marriage counseling and was told there was no point as everything was my fault. FINIS with apologies.

Then came the following: I have not done anything for him in 13 years!

No validation there. All truth darts. I said I am sorry he felt that way, but that I worked pretty hard those years (and everyone saw it and commented on it.) I took care of the kids 90% of the time, I cooked, I cleaned, I did all the laundry. Trust me: I have the hands to show I did the work. And so I stood up for myself. I told because I did all those things he had the gift of free time. And he did.

I did also say that I am sorry he feels I did "nothing." Then I also said we both already know from his letter exactly what he thinks of the physical sacrifices I made (with my body) to have children. He of course, did not respond to that.

The good news: last time he spewed he told me I haven't done anything in 18 years!!! This time, the amount was reduced to 13 years! In another two years, I am hoping it will be reduced to a decade.

As for me, I am okay. Staying busy. I saw friends last night and that was great. Played a really competitive tennis match the other day. The player was a 4.5 and so good. I am still a 4.0 and have been contemplating trying to do the work to move up. I realized just exactly how much work that would take.