Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[J5K]

Jim, I saw a post from you on another thread that sounded as if you
were a little bitter about the tough love advice you received, and wished you would have stuck with Chuck's advice. You talked as though you believed things would have worked out, but that you were advised not to make that move. That has mainly been my reason for remaining quiet on this last decision you are considering.

I am not bitter about the tough love. Hindsight is 20/20. That was ALL my decision and choice. Obviously it did not go the way I planned. IDK that it would have been different had I moved up there the first time around. It may have prolonged the inevitable. When I pulled my transfer back it was based on an emotional decision which contributed my 50% of leading me down a path to D.

This is your life to live as you see fit. You don't have to do a darn thing anyone may suggest. As your board friends, we are very concerned for you and your children. This child custody and D has been very stressful & draining on you. When a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally stressed over the period of time you have faced.....and over the most important part of your life.....making decisions that have lifelong effects may not be a wise thing to do for a while.

I really do appreciate everyone's concern for my boys and my well being. Please do not get me wrong, it touches my heart that so many people are trying to guide me to make the right choices both from the boards and the support I have from family and friends.

I read a book on how various experiences in life affects the stress level in a person. Coming in as number one on the worst stress possible was death/divorce. It also stated that a person should not make big decisions (like selling a house, moving the family, changing jobs, etc.) until that stress level had reduced sufficiently. We are likely to make bad decisions when over stressed.

I no longer have anxiety. I feel that is what got me here in the first place, my knee jerk reaction to file back in December of 2015. As far as STBX and I are concerned, I am not sure I even want an M with her again. I don't want to think about that at this time. I do know that I can make choices that are more positive for all 7 of us.

I believe I understand your POV about not wanting daycares and nannies to raise your children, and how you had rather leave them in the hands of their mother. You are comfortable providing the finances and letting her fill the role of SAHM/homemaker. As a parent, I also understand sacrifices we make for our children. Nobody doubts that you want what is best for your boys.

When I look at the long term, the next 15 years until my youngest turns 18, it is not fiscally realistic for me to stay here with them. The D has only made it more difficult for me to be financially stable long term. I would rather pay child support than daycare and have a smaller home where the boys can stay with me either 50 percent of the time or less. I just want them to have stability and not be travelling once a month for a long weekend between Michigan and Toronto. It is too much. I can make a life anywhere.

The issue that most of us seem to agree on is your WW. You speak of her capable skills, and at one time she may have been the idea mother...IDK. However, based on your own accounts, she is extremely entitled, spoiled, angry, bossy, and selfish.....not to mention her waywardness in the M. This custody/divorce settlement has done nothing to change her, as far as we can tell by her actions. She wasted no time in making sure you would continue supporting her. She was priority on her agenda. In her usual style, she insured her own provisions by selfishly refusing to work and take care of her responsibilities (although she would be single). She would not compromise....much less, sacrifice, and move where her children were living & in school, even if you supported her! What does that tell you about the mother of these children? You see, it's not just about a woman's capable skills to run a home and take care of children. It is what kind of person she is.....and will be molding these boys to become. With as much anger and hate as she currently has for you, it can't help but influence those children. Imagine what these children will hear and see displayed from their mother figure, and how her ugly attitudes, selfishness, etc., will affect them as individuals.

I don't mean to make things more difficult, I only want you to take plenty of time before making this extreme move. Give it time to see what she does after the court's decision has time to sink into her brain. She is still wayward! She can change, but so far, she hasn't. This may be the first "loss" she's ever experienced in her life, IDK. I only know that you are ready to undo the loss for her.

I agree, she is a spoiled princess and there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know how much responsibility she wants to take on with respect to the boys but I do know that I can always fill that void that she leaves. I do not feel I am making another knee jerk reaction. This decision has been flip flopping in my head for a year now and it has turned in a negative direction for my family. I want to make it more positive even if we are D'd. Who knows what the future will hold, I don't want to speculate anymore and I don't have to take her criticism either way. I can no longer let fear control me or worry about what STBX says about me. My actions are the only way to ensure a more positive environment for me and the boys.

There is a quote from Tony Robbins "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've take a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided."

I recently read one of PsySara's latest posts that if her WAH does D, she would still like him to be part of their children's lives and attend birthday parties, etc. Ideally I would like that too, I just don't know how that would happen in the near term whoever had custody of the boys. At some point in time both of us need to let go of all the anger and resentment that has brought us to this point, for the sake of the boys.

I do not plan on doing anything right away. My L said that STBX's L still needs to go in front of the court on Oct 7th and review everything. D will not be finalized until the end of October. So until I see the results and am officially D'd, I am maintaining the status quo.