Letting my weight down...

[sage]

Replying to my own post...this is just a more concise way of distilling what's worked regarding $ and the anxiety that it used to provoke.

1. Don't have conversations in the heat of the moment.

2. Give a head's up (casually) that something needs to be discussed and by when. DON'T make the head's up seem as though you are wanting the conversation then and there...TO AVOID conflicts, don't give the head's up in tense or difficult times, when you are rushed or sleepy, etc. IOW, even though you don't want to talk about it THEN, don't even issue the reminder in trying times.

3. No longer personalizing these issues has made a big difference
a. work on related areas (mine -- CONTROL, his -- ?)
b. don't ASSume that the other person is trying to send some MESSAGE by the way they handle interaction
c. Soothe yourself if you can instead of bringing up every ASSumption and personalization. Do this by reminding yourself that this ISN'T personal
d. DROP THE ROPE -- you do not have to control this
e. Let some things roll off of your back -- things that you would have previously reacted to just IGNORE or shrug off
f. STOP JUDGING what h is "doing" (or what you ASSume he's doing). Stop labelling him as irresponsible or whatever.
g. NOTICE and VERBALLY THANK him for what he IS doing in this area.

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Am I crazy to think that this could also apply to other areas for us?

Could I drop the rope re. the aftermath? Recognize and appreciate that we are each handling it in our best way? And that neither way is in fact "right" despite what the pundits say?

Could I stop personalizing h's actions and reactions to me in this area?

Could I stop doing "more of the same" behaviors which encourage him to personalize my actions?

Could I stop judging him? Stop making him feel as though he is irresponsible or insensitive or any of those other bad things?

Could I note and appreciate the ways in which he makes me feel safe, in which he discloses his thoughts and fears, the ways in which he has opened up instead of focusing on what he ISN'T doing?


Sage