thanks for the support and positive reactions! I really appreciate you take the the time to read my longwinded post.
Hope to get to more detailed responses -- when? tomorrow?
I did want to post a positive from the weekend that's very meaningful...
h and I had a discussion about some $ and what to do with it. I felt no anxiety at all (gosh, this REALLY is an area where we are just SO MUCH better than we used to be...why???) Anyway, h said something about the fact that his priority in how we use the money is to assist MY peace of mind...that no one deserved that more.
Sigh.
This is a wonderful example of h not only GETTING IT (my desire for safety and security, etc) but also his ability (and commitment) to COMMUNICATE it to me.
A wonderful example of: understanding me giving of himself to accommodate my needs communicating with me listening to me
I admit that I had been a bit nervous about bringing up the topic but it really did go smoothly. I was worried that h might feel controlled by the conversation (tho' I actually wasn't controlling!)
What did I do differently?
1. I gave him the heads up a few times that we needed to talk before tomorrow -- so, I didn't push the conversation but in moments of relative calm I said stuff like "oh, we need to talk about what we're going to do with that money by tuesday" -- I think it helped to give him some advance notice
2. Neither one of us seems to personalize these conversations...I think h used to feel (ASSumption) that I was trying to be controlling with $ and I would feel that he didn't GET how important security (which has translated to $ sometimes) means to me.
3. WHY don't we personalize anymore?
I think for a few reasons...I've really worked on my control issues in lots of areas including $. I've spent time self-soothing myself when I get stressed instead of reacting to h. He has taken more of an active role in making decisions about $ -- partly that's by his own proactive interest and partly that's because I've dropped the rope quite a bit. I've stopped acting as though he's irresponsible about it (he's not)and acting angry or hurt. I'm much more appreciative (and verbalize it!) of his taking responsibility for our $ well-being.
4. We don't have these conversations in the heat of the moment anymore...we don't wait until we HAVE to talk about it.
Hmmmm...I'm guessing that these can be applied to other circumstances too, no?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
