Roads Go Ever On

[Painter]

Phoebe, go for it! There's no investment to speak of for a drawing class, and you'll find out if you love it or not. And the skills will help you with any other creative activity.

A little update on me:

I'm very busy with many things, so much that I get too tired and overwhelmed at times. I have some health issues that are sensitive to overdoing it, so I have to be a little careful.

I have several part-time jobs, and I may have to let one go. I'm working on deciding on what to follow up on and what to let go. Unfortunately, the one I would like to do the most is the one I have least business from...

I go to Divorce Care and IC weekly. The first DC meeting was nice. I felt others in the class were much more raw than me, but I got some really helpful points from the video we watched.

They talked about how uncertainty causes a lot of the stress we feel, and that even if the M was unhealthy, it was predictably unhealthy so it still felt secure.

Also, when we question ourselves how we can still love someone who treated us so poorly, remember that years of love doesn't just go away. It's like when a child misbehaves, you don't stop loving them.

It was also mentioned that 80% of our energy is spent on dealing with emotional upheaval, so to be understanding with ourselves when we are tired and don't function well, for instance at work.

When I told my story (round table introduction in the beginning), I had very few feelings except some embarassment over being affiliated with the soap opera that WH has created. It was like talking about childbirth, I know it hurt, but I couldn't really feel the pain anymore, and I didn't get moved or upset or tearful when I talked about it. I actually had a visual of a healed scar while I spoke. It was very helpful to experience, it gave me a sense of where I am, at least right now.

I have had very little contact with WH lately. I am not good at keeping it light and friendly (DB dunce), we only communicate about practicalities but I often end up saying something sniping about what he has done to me and he stops replying. It's really amazing (another poster talked about this) how a person can behave horribly towards you, and then turn around and act like you're the crazy, emotionally out of control-person when you react.

Right now, I don't want to talk to him. I am mainly angry at him and I don't want him back. I have love for him, but I despise so much what he's done. He has turned out to be such a liar and cheater with no regard for anyone else's feelings, and I have discovered that it's a pattern he has followed from when he was a teenager. He has also clearly moved on, and I'm in the process of doing the same (no details for many reasons). Life is interesting...

He can file for a D this month. I'm not going to do anything.

Creative, rewarding activities that I need in order to balance my life are choir and painting. I would like to have more time for painting, choir is scheduled so it's easier.

Oh, and I just visited an amazing, enormous gym that's within walking distance, and got a week's free trial with them. They have a pool, resistance lap pool and a hot tub! The winters here are cold so I suspect I'll join just for that.

I'm not a success DB story in that I got my M back. But I used many of the tools to great success for myself. My IC talks about how good I am at processing the feelings, how I move forward with confidence, and I feel it, too. I know I have done everything I could while I felt there was still hope for reconciliation, and I'm also able to let go now when I don't feel there's hope anymore.

And I've learned so much about what I need in a partner, what I have to offer, and what I want my future R to look like. I feel much more confident and secure in myself than I did a few months ago. So if nothing else, take from it that there is a future that can feel very, very different in a good way.