Sage,

an awful lot there in your post. Again I must tell you that you are being way too hard on yourself!

so let's see what we've got here....


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I'm not saying I haven't made progress in my own mental state -- because I certainly HAVE in many ways...there are days and weeks and dare I say months when I walk with confidence...and then there are days and weeks and months (?) when I find myself terrified. I think it's aok to have highs and lows...I honestly do not expect otherwise...in life in general and in this life in particular but what scares the bejeepers out of me is what it does to me, to my h, to my m.



well dearie, awareness is the first step aint it. So you are aware of these cycles, aware of that havoc they reek...since we all know you're the queen of 180's and goals what 180's can you come up with for the first site of one of these tunnels opening their doorway?

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And I've been trying my hardest to figure out WHY it cuts to the very core of my body and being and psyche.




Plain and simple, because it does and dare I say because you allow it to. I know you want more than that but sometimes we just have to accept that we are who we are and things effect us very deeply at times we don't have much of a choice in that. We DO however have a choice in whether or not we are going to allow it to continue. Some take drugs to stop it, some meditate, some just tell those thoughts to f-off (what kind do you think I am ). I think part of the problem may be that when these neg feelings arise you spend a lot of energy pondering WHY instead of focusing your energy on regaining control over your thoughts. Time spent wondering WHY is only going to add to the neg spiral not bring you back up. jmho btw

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Well...it's because THAT feeling...that one where I'm ever watchful...well, it reminds me of the period when I knew from all of my heart that h was having an a and he denied it. The sadness and misery and fear and all.




THAT feeling reminds you of "THAT" period because YOU'VE assigned that feeling there.

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What makes that spot so freaking awful in this larger scheme of things? Because it wasn't the "h slips into an EA without being aware and instantly regrets it" thingy...it was the "h is in an EA, I know it, he knows it, and my pain isn't enough to encourage his honesty with me".




ok ok ok we all know how a's work don't we?

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See...all that worry and fear feels like protection. And by dropping it, I feel like I'm leading myself into the lion's den...and it feels like such a betrayal to ME!




wish I could point you back to where we've had this discussion before but Sage, what if you are betraying YOURSELF by not dropping it?

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But, all I'm saying is that something does seem to be up...and my reaction of late has been CONTROL and WORRY and FEAR and blah, blah, blah.




well then let's cut out the blah blah blah and do the opposite.

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I guess I've started to a bit...by virtue of time, I suppose...but I'm still looking over my shoulder, peeping around my mental corners, still clinging very, very tightly to the rope



remember how good it felt to ride your bike when the training wheels first came off, or the first time you roller skated (or bladed) without needing to have your arms held out for balance, the first time you cooked your favorite meal or baked your favorite cookies without looking a the recipe, the first time you drove your car without an adult sitting in the pasenger seat, the first time you...without...

A lot of us like to live life with a saftey net but are we really living that way? If we're always holding onto a rope we're limiting ourselves are we not?

You can do this Sage, all you have to do is believe in yourself.

as far as w'sup with h right now? could be anything, anything at all try not to let it worry you but if it concerns you that much why not drop the control, fear etc and simply say (in your own sage like words) "w'sup hon? can I help with anything?" if he chooses to clue you in on his dismay that's great, if he doesn't well that's ok too (yes it is) or you could just remind yourself that it's ok for spouses to have "itchy butt" every now and then and we don't have to scratch it or know why it's itchy.

LL