I don't envy your current position. Your cordial but you really can't plan your future because your wife is wishy washy about whether she's committed to your family or not. It sounds like you have a great little family there, if she doesn't recognize what a great life that is then she's got mental issues.
It's kind of a limbo you're living in and it seems like you'll stay there until YOU decide you've had enough. I spent a couple of years in limbo with my WAW/WW and it was hell. She finally realized what a great life with me/kids she was in danger of losing with her behavior.
One day I decided I had had enough. I filed for divorce and that freaked her out. She snapped out of you stupid funk and was all in and has been ever since. She says all the time that she thanks God that he opened her eyes to what she had and what she was about to lose and then she always follows by thanking me for giving her this chance.
The best thing I've ready in your entire thread was when you told your W that you had doubts if you even want to continue the R because this is the second time she's gone flaky and you don't want to have to worry about a 3rd, 4th, etc... You saw her reaction. That scared her for a bit. Then she got you to start giving her back rubs and when she was comfortable she had hooks in you again that abated her fear.
That attitude you showed her a glimpse of is your saving grace. Make it part of your daily personality. It should be. You were 100% right. Being in a marriage where you have to worry about your partner flaking out and wanting to walk at the drop of a hat is no way to live. She's either in this marriage for the long haul or she isn't.
She'll sit on the fence as long as YOU allow it. If you're not ready to knock her off that fence yet that's cool, I understand. It took me two years of misery before I said life is too short for this sh*t and I had her served. That did the trick and we're still together. Even if my WW had gone the other direction and we D'd I'd still be fine. Why? Because I really did detach and was planning my life without her. The fact that she knows that now has changed her whole attitude. Don't ever be anyone's guarantee. Women don't respect men they have wrapped around their figure. She has to earn your love as you have to earn hers. Every day, forever.
You're doing pretty good, think about the part I told you. That was good stuff and produced positive results. You have a great team there with you and the kids. She'd be nuts to lose that. The detaching part let's her see that she might and her reaction tells me she doesn't want to lose it. Don't be a doormat, don't be a guarantee for her. You work hard, work out, are a great dad. You're a catch. You'll never be alone if you don't want to be. Remember that and take confidence in it. Your W will feel that confidence of yours and it will be very attractive to her.
