Jim, I saw a post from you on another thread that sounded as if you were a little bitter about the tough love advice you received, and wished you would have stuck with Chuck's advice. You talked as though you believed things would have worked out, but that you were advised not to make that move. That has mainly been my reason for remaining quiet on this last decision you are considering.
This is your life to live as you see fit. You don't have to do a darn thing anyone may suggest. As your board friends, we are very concerned for you and your children. This child custody and D has been very stressful & draining on you. When a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally stressed over the period of time you have faced.....and over the most important part of your life.....making decisions that have lifelong effects may not be a wise thing to do for a while.
I read a book on how various experiences in life affects the stress level in a person. Coming in as number one on the worst stress possible was death/divorce. It also stated that a person should not make big decisions (like selling a house, moving the family, changing jobs, etc.) until that stress level had reduced sufficiently. We are likely to make bad decisions when over stressed.
I believe I understand your POV about not wanting daycares and nannies to raise your children, and how you had rather leave them in the hands of their mother. You are comfortable providing the finances and letting her fill the role of SAHM/homemaker. As a parent, I also understand sacrifices we make for our children. Nobody doubts that you want what is best for your boys.
The issue that most of us seem to agree on is your WW. You speak of her capable skills, and at one time she may have been the idea mother...IDK. However, based on your own accounts, she is extremely entitled, spoiled, angry, bossy, and selfish.....not to mention her waywardness in the M. This custody/divorce settlement has done nothing to change her, as far as we can tell by her actions. She wasted no time in making sure you would continue supporting her. She was priority on her agenda. In her usual style, she insured her own provisions by selfishly refusing to work and take care of her responsibilities (although she would be single). She would not compromise....much less, sacrifice, and move where her children were living & in school, even if you supported her! What does that tell you about the mother of these children? You see, it's not just about a woman's capable skills to run a home and take care of children. It is what kind of person she is.....and will be molding these boys to become. With as much anger and hate as she currently has for you, it can't help but influence those children. Imagine what these children will hear and see displayed from their mother figure, and how her ugly attitudes, selfishness, etc., will affect them as individuals.
I don't mean to make things more difficult, I only want you to take plenty of time before making this extreme move. Give it time to see what she does after the court's decision has time to sink into her brain. She is still wayward! She can change, but so far, she hasn't. This may be the first "loss" she's ever experienced in her life, IDK. I only know that you are ready to undo the loss for her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You talked as though you believed things would have worked out, but that you were advised not to make that move. That has mainly been my reason for remaining quiet on this last decision you are considering. 