Living arrangements have all been agreed upon. In fact, I set the conditions about that and he accepted my wishes (which were also what I thought would be best for him although he had his doubts especially because he thought it would be hard to find someone to agree) and the other wife did too. So from my perspective I've got what I want in that regard.
He's a man who thinks for himself and no one could have pressured him one way or another to do it. He chose her himself and he said he wanted to find someone that could get along with me. She and I have not met in person yet but we have talked on the phone and I felt really comfortable with her, although I am not sure she felt as comfortable as I did from what he told me. But maybe that is because I feel more assured in our relationship at this point than her.
No, I will not be a mother figure to her. If our mother-in-law wants to play that role, she is welcome to it. Our hope is to be friends.
There's no ulterior motives here. He had his reasons, I know what they are and the most important one was something that I felt would be beneficial to myself as well, which is a big part of why I agreed.
We have always been best friends and he's (sometimes too) honest with me and trusts me more than anyone, but that is perhaps part of the problem. He doesn't feel he can be honest with her nor really trusts her yet, so maybe he thinks I am the one who he can rely on to be more flexible at this time. On the other hand, I think part of the difficulty is that he is used to having me to talk to about any issues in his life but it's a bit difficult to do so when they involve the other wife and I am also his wife. A few times when he complained about things to me about her if I agreed with his complaints he suddenly would get annoyed at me and I think felt guilty and would shut up. He still relies on me for non-marriage advice though and that is one of the strengths of our relationship and so that is on solid ground.
I don't think he is trying intentionally to make things difficult for me. If I could use one word to describe him since this all started, it would be "terrified." The main factor in him wanting to take another wife was related to fear. He was was then terrified he wouldn't find someone who would agree to be a second wife for a variety of reasons, some that were about me and some about himself. Once he found someone, he agreed to some conditions that are unfair to me "to get her to agree." When I asked him I see him look in the mirror and look distressed about what he sees. Now he is terrified he can't handle two wives. The first time he expressed that fear to me I saw a look in his eyes I have never seen before as the reality of what he was doing suddenly hit him and he exclaimed, "How can I do this? I can't I can't" and literally ran out of the room in distress. Believe me, this is not someone who is doing anything out of cold calculated troublemaking. He's just reacting to his fear.
I'm trying to do my best to reassure him that he can handle it, giving him positive reinforcement and remaining cheerful when he makes an effort with me so that he knows it is appreciated. I slip up though when HE raises relationship issues. As much as I would love to discuss it and it would be incredibly beneficial if we did, I know he is not ready at all, but sometimes he opens the topic and it doesn't really go so well. Either he claims he is tired and ends the call abruptly, or last time I told him I finally said look, I don't want to discuss our marriage I just want to live it, let's agree that if the other person starts a discussion like this the other hang up on them and he agreed to that. He also said at the end of that call that it's hard for him to believe words and he wants to see actions, meaning he is worried we will both make trouble and more me because he knows it is harder for him to control me than her, and I told him I understand and agreed. I think once he is living with both of us then this will hopefully be resolved, because at least he will see my intentions toward her are good in action.
He originally didn't even want us to talk to eachother, again because I think he was afraid one of us would sabotage everything, but I had been telling him I wanted to for some time and when she told him the same, he said, "I don't really like the idea" and I asked why and he said, "It's just weird," but he agreed for us to talk to one another on the phone alone. In fact, by the end of the call she receded to the back of my mind because I felt ok with her and I said to myself the real challenge I need to deal with is my husband. Although my first priority will be to make her feel welcome. I'm not going to trust her without evidence I can but I plan to be as gracious and nice as possible. Even if he isn't going to start things off right I will do so and hopefully this will make him and her come around.
