Letting my weight down...

[sage]

I'm starting a new thread...

Here's my last one:

Attractive propositions

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You may be wondering about the thread title...

Well, it comes from an audio tape by Jack Kornfield...

He tells the story of an elderly man who has never in all of his life flown on a plane. His children gather up their money and for his birthday they buy him a plane ticket -- destination not important. He goes on the plane and when he comes back they gather around him and ask him how it was...he says that it was quite good, a new experience. But then he adds,

"But, you know, I never fully let my weight down".

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I can relate.
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I struggled for a bit with the thread title...my first thought was something like "dropping the rope" or "DB'ing for real this time" but I figured I'd spend much of my thread assuring you guys that I wasn't being too hard on myself!

Then my weekly Cainercast sounded promising -- "keeping a straight face" or "confidence and patience":

Many a game of cards as been won by a player with a poor hand. There may be some contests whose outcomes depend, ultimately, on the luck of the draw but most involve some degree of skill and timing. What matters now is not whether you have a great advantage; it's whether you have confidence and patience. Power, this week, will shift from one person to another and from one situation to another. It will ultimately rest, though, with whoever is willing to hold steady and keep a straight face. Mercury, as it now changes direction, insists you have the advantage.

but when I was downstairs making a pot of tea the Jack Kornfield story popped into my mind.

It is perfectly appropriate.

After some exchanges with CHL and Pam on my thread last week I went back to look at an old thread that they had referred to -- it's the one titled "the teacher appears". They had mentioned it because they remembered that I had been "stuck" in a similar mode to where I was last week...sigh...so I ended up going back to a 3 month old thread and finding out that I was stuck then too.

That's not the worst part.

THAT thread harkened back to a thread a YEAR ago when I was stuck in the same mode -- the "things are going great so why do I feel so sad" mode.

Blech.

I'm not saying I haven't made progress in my own mental state -- because I certainly HAVE in many ways...there are days and weeks and dare I say months when I walk with confidence...and then there are days and weeks and months (?) when I find myself terrified. I think it's aok to have highs and lows...I honestly do not expect otherwise...in life in general and in this life in particular but what scares the bejeepers out of me is what it does to me, to my h, to my m.

I can feel the tentacles of suspicion and shame and control and anger (masking my fear!) latch onto my days and thoughts and tacit actions. It's where I was a year ago and before then and before even then!

And I've been trying my hardest to figure out WHY it cuts to the very core of my body and being and psyche.

Well...it's because THAT feeling...that one where I'm ever watchful...well, it reminds me of the period when I knew from all of my heart that h was having an a and he denied it. The sadness and misery and fear and all.

So, now, when I find myself afraid and wondering again...I'm back in that awful spot.

What makes that spot so freaking awful in this larger scheme of things? Because it wasn't the "h slips into an EA without being aware and instantly regrets it" thingy...it was the "h is in an EA, I know it, he knows it, and my pain isn't enough to encourage his honesty with me".

It's the "I'm standing emotions completely bare in front of you and it doesn't matter" situation.

Gosh darn it, it's the phone call to dad when mom is having her nervous breakdown in front of us (knife and all) and he says "what do you want me to do about it" feeling.

So, what's the "weight" I'm referring to? What am I letting down? I guess it's the worry and the fear and the self-protection mode. It's the attempt to control thru sheer mental power the fidelity of my m, the fidelity of my h. It's the bizzaro feeling that I have that somehow, someway, that if I move on past the anger and fear and regret of the BOMB that it will happen again -- by virtue of no longer constantly running it over again and again in my mind.

Here's how terrifying this is for me...I was thinking about this "dropping the rope", this "letting down of my weight" in my car today...and the 10-year-old child thought popped into my head...if I don't protect myself, who will?

See...all that worry and fear feels like protection. And by dropping it, I feel like I'm leading myself into the lion's den...and it feels like such a betrayal to ME!

But, that's not the betrayal, is it?

See, guys, I'm a pretty good DB'er when it comes to goals and 180s and all that. But what I've done a less than stellar job at is building my own "magic" as Bridget would say...so many of you have done that so well...standing smack in the face of all the fears and rebuilding your LIFE.

I guess I've started to a bit...by virtue of time, I suppose...but I'm still looking over my shoulder, peeping around my mental corners, still clinging very, very tightly to the rope.

Here's what makes this all the more scary...and all the more necessary...seems like something might be going on with h...it's probably crazy to even try to convince you of that...you read the positives, right? And they are ALL over the place...but something's making him put his arm over his eyes when he's falling asleep (a posture I've come to associate with THE BOMB for reasons too long to go into -- hah! me of the marathon post!) and in some ways, something has made him pull away in some areas...

I'm NOT saying it's me or the m or the ow or another ow or whatever. It isn't ALL about me, right? And there's a non-zero chance that what's up with h is this mental gyration I've been mired in, no?

But, all I'm saying is that something does seem to be up...and my reaction of late has been CONTROL and WORRY and FEAR and blah, blah, blah.

And, it's not helping me. And it's not helping him. And it's not helping us.

I think it's time to fly.

Stay tuned.

Sage