I'm struggling today with what she expects from me. I guess in her current state that she expects / wants me to just dissapear and not fight and just leave her alone. But what sort of person just walks away from 18 years(?)
This is unhealthy for you. What do YOU expect from YOU? Not what does she EXPECT from YOU?
You do not live for her! You are living for YOU.
Your relationship can not get better if she is acting like your mother and telling you what to do.
I'm not looking for her to tell me how to behave, more I'm wondering what her expectations are - does she expect me to just say "oh ok, thats the end of that then"?... If so that is a ridiculous thought to have.
My thought process here is that anything that I choose to do will differ from her expectations. I just find it hard to believe that anyone would expect someone who is still in love to just walk away - or does a WAW expect a LBS to fight?...
I do appreciate that a LOT of my thoughts are unhealthy and I have no idea how far along Im meant to be after only a month?
Just a wonderment and wanted to know other peoples opinions & experiences of this situation.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
What about the part of your future that doesn't involve relationships? Do you have a bucket list of things you'd like to do? What would an ideal day look like?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Stop worrying about what she expects or what she wants.
What do you want!
My guess is she is in much turmoil also, so she is not worrying about YOU. She is likely worrying about herself and how she is going to survive.
You become an extra burden for her and part of the reason to give her space so you can each work on yourself.
This is hard stuff and you may not get it right away. It will go against everything you have learned in your life. You have always been a nice guy. Time to start being a nice guy to yourself and not her.
What about the part of your future that doesn't involve relationships? Do you have a bucket list of things you'd like to do? What would an ideal day look like?
This was more my point. You need to find Alice where you can be happy on your own. It isn't the responsibility of your wife or any other person to make you happy. That's your job. Yes, your partner can bring you happiness, but if you require them to be the sole source of it, that's not healthy.
So I think you need to really work to get a life. You say you don't have any hobbies, well, then, now is a great time to try some things out. You have plenty of time to figure out what you like.
How about next weekend. What new thing can you try? I know it won't be comfortable or easy, but TRUST ME, it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
Also, you may want to think about cutting back on face timing for now. Or figuring out how to do it without needing to speak with your W during it. It doesn't sound like its good for you to be seeing so much of her. Also, you could use a little mystery; always being at home alone at 730 (or whatever time it is) doesn't give you much chance to go do something and it lets W know exactly what you're doing all night.
With 50% custody, I think it's ok to go a night or two without talking to S...especially at this age, I'm sure he isn't that good at face timing. Hell, I have a 6 year old that can't do it Cormier than a couple minutes before the kid is off doing something else...
Rose - thats just the problem, whilst I appreciate its not healthy, being with someone is all I know and want (I'm no good on my own). I have no real hobbies and my ideal day would be spent with my family (W&S). This will have to be a completely new chapter where everything will be breaking out of my comfort zone!
Cadet - You're right in what you say there, this is going against everything I've ever known. I've always been a family man (as was my Dad until we lost my Mom). I just don't know what efforts I need to make, when and who with.
I guess a lot of guys on this forum deal with the same issues over and over until things finally hit home... Appreciate the patience guys, so where do you suggest I go from here?...
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
You have all the time you want to do new things and make new friends. The best thing I ever did was to make new friends that had never met my ex. They didn't know me as "my ex's spouse"...they knew me as "Darknes".
So yes, it's time to start to step out of your comfort zone.
You're right, I have always been dependent upon others to generate my self worth and always looked at my W for this.
I need to work on gaining this from myself, but where to start eh?...
From experience (whilst I appreciate that everyone is different), is there any general rule of thumb about how much progress should be made after a month, 2 months etc?...
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
No rule that I know of. And honestly, you can't really judge the end post anyway. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll wind up where you're going.
How to start? That's up to you. What would you like to get out of this world? You may want to start by joining a gym - you've mentioned your weight many times. But you could also start up some hobbies. I'd recommend an activity where you are out being social but there's also an activity happening so you can feel comfortable. Why might you enjoy? Maybe search through meetup.com?
