Wow, it was really long post yesterday. I should post more often and shorter! Will try.
And I did not say everything I wanted to say yesterday. I also wanted to share with you that I booked tickets to and hotels in Japan for the next cherry tree season. The idea of booking just for the 3 of us was difficult for me at first so I was postponing. I informed h before, that I was planning to go and that he decides what he wants to do (we promised it to our sons for 2017) and I was waiting for what he says. He never mentioned anything so I booked it 2 weeks ago and I'm fine with it!
As it turns out, h is not. He came today and we ended up having another 2 hours conversation (I don't know why I always let myself get into it). But it was quite a nice one, once I made it clear that he will not raise his voice, won't blackmail me anymore, insult me etc. which he started to do. And btw - it's definitely MLC! And nothing will make me doubt it after today.
He even talks at times like if we were together. Then seconds later he's giving me lectures how things are when people are not together and that we are not and the fact that I may disagree with the situation it doesn't make it any different (I don't disagree, btw). This made me point out to him that I really don't understand what he believes our situation is. I think I did not mention it here yet, but he filled in a questionnaire for s13's medical check. He put in it that parents live in a couple and to the question whether something happened since the last check (death, divorce, separation,...) he replied "no". So I asked him about it today as I said it's for the doctors to see if the kids can potentially have some issues that need to be addressed. He did not say anything.
During this discussion, for the first time in several months, he almost cried. When he was talking about the trip I booked. That he was surprised how I handled it and that he was expecting me to tell him before I was going to do that. I said I did. He argued it was without timeframe and he would have reacted if I said I was going to do that the next day, for example. So, I said I did book it because he never replied to me (I mentioned it on several occasions not just once) and I did not want him to think that I'm applying any pressure on him. I told him I booked because prices are going up and some hotels already sold out (so many months ahead!) but that I did it thinking that if he wanted to come along it's better to buy just one expensive ticket rather than 4. I asked if his reaction would be that I should book ticket for him too. He said he doesn't know. That he needs to think about it. But while discussing it, he almost cried and turned all red when he said that I did not even think about how difficult it must be for him thinking that we are all there and he cannot be there with "all" of us (including me?! Unbelievable!).
After he left, I forwarded him the booking to have all the elements for his thinking.
One other thing I don't understand: when we met, while dating and also during our marriage we had a thing with a combination of colors of his shirt and tie which I liked on him (really sexy). So, he would always make a point when wearing that. While I was sick and he came to cook dinner, the first thing he did when he arrived he took off his tie. Except for a few times when he wore this combination. He even cooked with it. I don't know what to think about that. Coincidence? He is also checking me out all the time. Which makes me really uncomfortable because though I have guys much younger than me telling me how great I look and nobody believes I'm in my 40s, every time my h looks at me I feel sooo unattractive... Makes me wanna put oversized clothes on me and hide.
Back to work tomorrow! And I hope I will start doing sports again this weekend. Really miss it and need it for my emotional balance.
