I'm referring to what Cadet wrote above. I'm just wondering why it necessarily is that some sort of childhood issues would precipitate a midlife crisis, when there may actually be present issues in their life of an adult nature that they simply snap about at some point.
The childhood issues do not singularly cause a mid life crisis, it is one part of a witches brew that are part of MLC.
And, to add to the witches brew, we have the Quarter Life Crisis Scenario as well:
We all go through life transitions, from adolescence, to 20's and 30's, and so forth. If a person is able to navigate the life transitions properly, they will not suffer from a crisis, i.e., it's just a blip on the radar for those who are successful.
Those individuals in their early 20's and 30's that have difficulty navigating their lifes' transitions will have a crisis and act out. It's all about growing up and leaving childhood/adolescence behind and facing the world of adulthood, accountability and responsibility. They often have feelings of being lost, scared, lonely, panic or confusion about what steps to take in order to properly become adults. Unemployment and choosing a career path is a major cause for young adults to undergo stress and/or anxiety. Early stages of one living on their own for the first time and learning how to cope w/o parental help can also induce feelings of isolation and loneliness. Marrying and becoming a first time parent can also create anxiety as well. These are just a few examples.
As I mentioned, if they do not navigate the life transitions properly or stop in the middle of the QLCs, they will have a crisis at a later time and usually it is a full blown crisis, i.e., the MLC.
This is just my opinion on the subject.
Also, I noticed from your original posting over on Newcomers that you mentioned he had talked about running away. Maybe a thread that I created a long time ago might shed some light on what he's feeling:
I'm not convinced it necessarily has anything to do with childhood issues. This all sounds like a very Freudian interpretation, and while I recognize that might be the case for some. I think it is also possible it has everything to do with adult issues.
Hi 2Lady,
Welcome. You've got a lot of reading to catch up on I know but I was just curious. Why do you think? re childhood issues above quote.
I am interested in learning more like everyone here & was wondering what led you to this impression.
Everyone/ everyone's experience is different & unique. Was there something in your experience that led you to this insight? (or someone you know/something you heard) ?
Until next time, take care, p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
How old are you and him if you don't mind me asking?
If in fact your husband is in MLC, replay could last for many years, there are no guarantees that he will exit into further stages.
Originally Posted By: 2Lady
My goal in all this is to get through this difficult period and have a better marriage as a result of all of it. I'm making some changes of my own to make me a better wife and person.
And to add to what Cadet posted...try to keep the focus on you as much as possible and dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't want to go into many details of my personal situation here as I'm more interested in learning rather than sharing, but I know my husband's childhood issues and I know his adult issues and I can see how the adult issues are at play here and not the childhood ones.
Although I am not convinced actually at all that the issues are the cause of anything, and more rather they are part of the symptoms. Why do I say that? Well, the thing that strikes me about midlife crisis is there is this debate that people say it is real, it is a myth, but all the research on it has been done by psychologists. But it is so odd how people from totally different backgrounds and experiences wind up acting out in such similar ways, go through similar phases, say the same things and there is absolutely NOTHING anyone else can say or do to change it, which in itself you have to admit is strange and a red flag. If it is just about issues then at some point you would expect that people could have some sort of logic drilled into their mind to change it. Which makes me wonder whether there is not a physiological basis for the whole thing.
There simply is absolutely NO medical research that has been done to compare people in midlife crisis with those that aren't. Nothing hormonal, no brain scans, no brain chemistry studies, no genetic studies, nothing. Absolutely nothing. The most you find is some people theorizing on the internet that it is a testosterone thing. Yet there are plenty of illnesses that people act out in strange ways that we know are due to things going on in their body beyond their personal issues. I just really wonder, is this in some way triggered by something that is actually medical, but it just manifests itself in slightly different ways depending on the person's personal background?
The fact that no one has ever done any sort of medical research on this means that it could very well be something medical but we just don't know it. Which is pretty scary in a way. Because all these people are suffering and the people around them are suffering yet no one even recognizes that they might have something physically wrong with them. Even if they can find out there is something wrong, then it would take time to find a treatment. I just feel maybe everyone is totally missing something.
The running away link takes me to something saying I can't edit it.
My husband has never run away. But we have always had the dynamic from the beginning of our marriage that he is the one who says he wants to leave and I am always the one saying no and then nothing more comes of it. He stays. It's more a habit than anything. I would not read too much into it. He's not doing it any more now than he ever did really.
As for our age, let's just say we are firmly in midlife and have been married a typical number of years as most mlc/lbs before this started. I don't want to post any more personally identifiable info than that.
If it is a fair and equal replay that he can accept, I can live with it if it lasts. That's the whole idea behind polygamy. Hahaha ha. I'm just not sure he can live with himself forever like this. But if he can, it might be replay-depression-withdrawal-back to replay but in a fashion that everyone can live with.
Patience -- that is what I am definitely praying for at the moment. In our fast food, on demand, Internet world -- Patience is something I do not have.
*** My H did have a difficult childhood -- or at least that was the way he told it to me (enough to fill a week of Jerry Springer TV shows). I do know that his parent's split when my H was in high school and the way he recalled the story it sounded as both his parents may have had MLC. We also found out about 10 years ago that his maternal grandfather had a side wife/family that his grandmother did not know about.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I was curious as indicated earlier. You provided a another perspective.
It may be both what you suggest as well as childhood experience (??). There is so much network & wiring action that takes place as a child's brain grows. Wiring that is shaped by childhood experiences - but also shaped by the more dramatic experiences - traumas and abuse. These are hardly likely to escape 'recording' ... it is the nature of the brain. Cause / Effect.
I think that it is too early in our overall findings to really discount anything. I refer to both your assumption(s) as well as those here at the forum.
There are many areas of information in our present world that were unknown before. However, time revealed the previously unknown information to us. If we understand that many outcomes can result from many experiences, we will see the diverse information as it unfolds. We are still learning about ourselves.
Nature is all 'cause & effect' - nothing goes unaffected! The real question is how?
Thanks again for getting back, p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
