New and need help.

[ForGump]

RBG80-- don't get so hung up on the fact that your W was very loving and physically intimate w/ you before she dropped the bomb on you. That kind of sudden shift happens with nearly all of the relationships that are described here. She tried, tried and tried to make it work (in whatever incomplete and dysfunctional way) and then her mind just changed. That happened to all of us. It doesn't mean her reasons for dissatisfaction are invalid or -- more importantly -- that you can reason with her about it. You can't, and you shouldn't.

[doodler]

Equally, just two days before, she was very adamant that we we're going to have sex (not that this was a hardship mind), but surely if you'd fallen out of love with someone you wouldn't chose to be physically intimate with that person would you?....

RBG80,

That goes back to "don't believe anything she says..."

I remember when I first came to this forum and I asked a question similar to yours and Cadet responded, "Why would you believe anything she says?" And that sums it up. Unfortunately, the rewrite history and actually seem to believe a lot of it themselves.

I think the roller coaster metaphor is perfect; she's on a roller coaster ride and you can chose to go on the ride with her or you can chose to get off and do your own thing while she rides. It's much easier said than done, but for this particular ride, it's a lot better to be a casual observer than it is to be a participant.

[RBG80]

every night I have my son, we FaceTime the W and every day she has him he face times me. How do I detach in this situation?...

It's tough being in the house on my own (I'm not even sure I can afford to keep it), but knowing that my W is at her mothers house (which is filled with people) and that she's not feeling alone hurts.

I know I need to try and let go of her and her situation but I just wonder if there ever was any seed of doubt, any regret or any confusion? I guess these are the thoughts that you've all been through, but I just want to know that somewhere, somewhen, the last 18 years did mean something!

[doodler]

RBG80,

I'm sure that deep down, under all of the fear and anger and whatever else, those 18 years mean a lot to your wife. But right now, it's just not there.

I don't really know how to detach, and with a child you're under time constraints, but if you can get out and do things with your son and with other people, it'll help a lot.

[RBG80]

Appreciate that Doodler. I hope it has meant something to her.

Just read the lighthouse story - I liked that, it helped.

[Cristy]

Hello RBG80,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Your posts indicate an awful lot of focus on your W. It is time for you to focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Dad and RBG80.

Detaching done right is enormously freeing. You can be detached and still be in communication regarding your son.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[ForGump]

I just wonder if there ever was any seed of doubt, any regret or any confusion? ... I just want to know that somewhere, somewhen, the last 18 years did mean something!

RBG80-- think about how weird, irrational, crazy your W is behaving. All of that behavior -- she's putting it on to fight the memory of your married life. She HAS to do that, to not feel like a total jerk herself.

So yes, the last 18 years do mean something to her.

I hope you find the strength to take small steps forward. One day at a time. That's all we can do.

[MoveFrwd]

I see no future for myself.

I'd start here.

Assuming your W never comes back, what do you want your future to look like?

[RBG80]

Morning Guys,

Again,thanks for all the feedback and comments.

I think that one of my problems is that all I've known is my W and the relationship we have (I've been with her since I was 17) so I know no different. I don't really have any hobbies or interests as my family was my everything!

I'm struggling today with what she expects from me. I guess in her current state that she expects / wants me to just dissapear and not fight and just leave her alone. But what sort of person just walks away from 18 years(?)

It was tough yesterday to see (during facetime) my W in her Mom's house with all her family around her - when I don't have my Son, I'm walking into an empty house all on my own filled with nothing but memories.

I guess this is just me still focusing on the marriage as opposed to me, but the feeling I've been left with are so powerful and painful.

[RBG80]

Morning Darkness,

If I was to assume that my W never comes back, I would like to be in a position where we can be friends and work together towards co-parenting my Son in the best possible way. I can't see this being a possibility (at the moment) - maybe with time...

I also hope that there will be someone else in my life, someone who loves me for who I am and feels the same way about me that I do about them, but again I can't see this at all. This could be my ongoing self esteem issues (I'm a larger gent and whilst I have an ok job, if I'm to do this on my own, I'll have little to no spare income). I wouldn't even know where I would start.