I have copied your posting form the Newcomers' Forum so that others who read your thread here will have some background.
"Sara and Cherry, this is my first post here but I think you two might be able to help me out. Not necessarily from your own personal experience, but maybe you have friends or family that have been through what I am going through that you can provide some insight on my situation.
Like you I am Muslim, but my husband and I live in a Muslim country. He wanted to take another wife, for reasons that we both believed would benefit us both, so I agreed. We have been married many years and had a good relationship and it was even stronger right after we had some hard discussions and agreed on polygamy than it had ever been. The trust, and honesty, and understanding were better than ever between us. That gave me a positive feeling about the whoel thing.
He had no particular girl in mind before this of that I am absolutely certain so it was not like he fell in love with someone and THEN asked for polygamy. It was intended as a practical matter, and he even sought my input on choosing someone.
He didn't think he could find someone easily who would agree easily and once he did he made her some promises that are not in keeping with how a man is supposed to practice polygamy (at least in the beginning) as stated in the Quran in order to get her to agree to it. Add to that how they say the second wife always finds out that 90% of what the husband says about the first is a lie, such a situation is ripe for trouble. Although she hasn't had the opportunity to find out those things yet.
He has signed the marriage contract with her but they aren't living together yet and we are currently temporarily apart for unrelated reasons but will all be back together in a couple months. At first I was willing to play along with the promises he made to her (because he has and continues to tell me that it is temporary although he hasn't set anything but a vague timeline), and I think I would if both of them were committed to fairness, but neither one is. I want for her what I have, but she is self-admittedly "jealous" and although she claims to know I have equal rights, she doesn't want to give them to me (this according to him). I realized though this simply does not my needs and I told him so. Under such circumstances, I told him really I want nothing more than him to be fair. If no one wants to give me my rights to begin with, as I see it, I have nothing to give up. If I knew they were on the same page with me, I really would be happy to do so though, but they aren't.
Now, it was only some time after we agreed to the polygamy that I came to the realization that this was all part of a bigger midlife crisis on his part. I could recognize the first two stages going back two years, but I knew nothing about midlife crises until a few months ago. He's obviously starting replay now and it is very similar to what you would expect if a man were having an extramarital affair in terms of his behavior the statements he makes, his feelings, etc etc, although this not an affair, this is two legitimate marriages with two wives that hope it will last for life.
I've read so much about midlife crisis and so much about polygamy, but there simply is nothing out there about the two together. I've learned to anticipate his behavior and a lot of the advice out there about midlife crises is invaluable.
He has some self awareness and has basically said he knows he will get bored with her and she with him and then everything will settle down in an Islamic way. He realizes the fantasy will come to and end but he still is caught up in enjoying the moment. He has told me I can have a divorce if I can't handle the situation but I have told him no I don't want one. He also tells me he will keep me forever if I want and our relationship will stay the same in spite of the other marriage. I've told him I don't want a divorce and while I reassure him from my perspective I don't want it to change except in ways that will be improvements.
But I am looking ahead and wondering: What happens next? What happens when he gets to the depression, withdrawal stages? Or are we stuck in perpetual replay? It's not like affairs where the husband has to make a choice, wife or affair partner, the goal here is for us both to stay with him forever, so what can I expect? I can envision what will trigger the depression stage (it will either probably come very quickly when he has to face the actual physical reality of having two wives, which I can tell he has been nearly entirely in denial about except for brief moments of sheer terror at the idea, or when he finally breaks his promises to her) and what sort of issues he might raise with me during that, but I'm really stumped as to how it might play out considering that he isn't supposed to choose between us, although that is always a possibility.
Obviously the two of you are in situations where your husbands are having unwelcome affairs. But I am sure there are lots of husbands who actually get into polygamy as a result of a midlife crisis, and I am just wondering if you know others who were in this situation. Or even others who had a situation where the wife accepted an arrangement with the mistress or even a polyamory situation.
My goal in all this is to get through this difficult period and have a better marriage as a result of all of it. I'm making some changes of my own to make me a better wife and person. I've told him I am there for him and he can do what he needs to do (because the midlife spouse can't be swayed otherwise so what choice do I have).
I do think we can survive this because even though he has a personality that acts like he wants to run away a lot, it's all talk and there was only one time I have ever told him I wanted a divorce in all the many years we have been together, his reaction was a sudden outburst of crazy ideas in an attempt to stop me that I immediately apologized for having even suggested it because I could see how it was just too much for him to handle.
So I guess really I am not here looking to stop a divorce but just for some advice how to make this thing work and for all 3 of us to thrive as a result. A bit unusual I know, but that's the life we have chosen and I sincerely want us all to be happy."
