"Believe nothing she says, and only half what she does"
She says there isn't an A, yet is at a guys home until 1:30 AM. Yeah, right. Be aware she will lie, deceive, manipulate, and guilt you at every turn. That is a fact. Don't believe it at your own risk. And it will stay this way until she has respect for you again. You won't get respect by being super nice with all the ILYs. This is where you are right now. Stinks, but that's what it is. Sandi has great advice about how to turn that lack of respect around.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
txhubby is right. I worked on reconnecting before I knew about the affair. I learned stuff but it was ineffective. You have to either confirm it or assume she is in an affair. Snooping is controversial but I did it and don't regret it. Be ready for it to svck though.
As for counseling, I'd still go but it's not advised when you aren't on the same page. I'd have an agenda for it and not let it just be an hour to complain.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Marriage counseling only works if there is 100% transparency, no active affairs, and both parties are committed to the marriage. Ask yourself if those things are all true. If they are then go for it. As for an affair. How guarded is she with her phone? Next time you're going away from the house together purposely leave your phone at home. While you're out say "shoot, I need call _________ and I left my phone at home. Let me use yours." If she hesitates to hand her phone over even for a second then there's an affair going on. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I've lived it myself and I've seen it a hundred times on boards like this. It's a quick and simple way to learn the truth.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I haven't. She swears that there isn't anyone else and I'm not sure I could prove it without following her around. What should I do?
Go back and re-read sandis post for starters.
I will tell you from experience what my MC told me. There is not a therapist on the planet that can successfully help a married couple that contains 3 people. She may say there is nothing ... let her go ahead and believe her own lie, apply the 37 and become physically and emotionally distant ... let HER chase YOU.... Let HER ask to go to MC... let these be HER idea. If you are chasing her, she will chase him and you will wind up tired angry and confused. DBing will help you become centered confident and in control of yourself.
If staying at a fellas house till 1:30 is not an A, its definitely something that should be addressed, and put to bed but that's HER issue to fix and I am guessing she would rather sweep it under the rug ..... ask yourself ... if the table was flipped and you were busted at a female co-workers house till 1:30 what would YOU try and do to correct the misunderstanding? First you most likely would not allowed that to happen out of respect for your wife, she did not think at all about you .... so just assume its a PA as the truth will come out sooner or later as she shows she is high on that A drug, its time for you to do the work ... go back and re read Sandi's post, her 37 and start DBing.
I don't know, but I know. She has to be involved with this guy on some level. Over the weekend she decided she would go to counseling. Today I ask her about a specific date regarding seeing the counselor and her response was "I also called a mediator. I'd like us to meet with one." When I suggested that we should see the counselor first, her response was, "I haven't made the appointment I just called for a consult."
Its clear she's in a different place than I am. I'm going to see the therapist with her just to see if she'll admit that she's having an affair.
I don't know, but I know. She has to be involved with this guy on some level. Over the weekend she decided she would go to counseling. Today I ask her about a specific date regarding seeing the counselor and her response was "I also called a mediator. I'd like us to meet with one." When I suggested that we should see the counselor first, her response was, "I haven't made the appointment I just called for a consult."
Its clear she's in a different place than I am. I'm going to see the therapist with her just to see if she'll admit that she's having an affair.
Cheaters don't admit anything they don't have to. Sometimes they do but it's rare. MC is a complete waste of time and money if she's going to lie. That's why you have to confirm one way or another before you bother. At a single male co-worker's house until 1:30am? It's confirmed for me because it's true but if you need more proof then get it by any means necessary. It really does determine your next course of action.
I don't know, but I know. She has to be involved with this guy on some level. Over the weekend she decided she would go to counseling. Today I ask her about a specific date regarding seeing the counselor and her response was "I also called a mediator. I'd like us to meet with one." When I suggested that we should see the counselor first, her response was, "I haven't made the appointment I just called for a consult."
Its clear she's in a different place than I am. I'm going to see the therapist with her just to see if she'll admit that she's having an affair.
Wait ... so are you seeing a mediator .. or a counselor? Those are 2 different camps set up to do 2 entirely different things.
MC is tough enough if both parties are not all in. You really may want to play the 37 out to a T and let her decide what she REALLY wants because it sounds like you have a Waffling WAW on your hands
She's not going to admit any wrong doing on her part to anyone. Particularly you or a MC. Not as long as she is wayward and in an active A. No way, no how. Seeing a MC at this point is just going to be a b-tch session against you. Not worth the effort.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
CaliGuy, mvgfwd2 are right. So am I. Listen to us. We've been where you are. Your situation is not unique in any way. What we've learned that works and what we've learned that doesn't work applies to you to. Please follow the advice given. It'll give you your best chance at either fixing the M or moving on in a healthy way. They key is not to languish in this limbo maybe we'll fix it, maybe we won't phase. She doesn't mind because she has someone to comfort her. The OM. You? It'll possibly kill you. It almost killed me.
My little phone trick? Someone who had been through this before me told me about it. I figured what the heck. I had some minor suspicions about my wife but that was it. I figured no way she was cheating. I thought I'd play this little game to rule it out in my mind.
We left the house and got to the mall. I purposely left my phone at home. I said "crap I need to call ______ <our son>. I forgot my phone, let me use yours." Now, in our lives I've done that legitimately about 20+ times and she had always handed it right over. This time? She first says "I have work stuff on there now and I'm afraid you'll mess it up." I said that's ridiculous, I'm just going to make a call. Let me use it. Then she said, I'll call him, what did you want to ask him? I said never mind. I knew everything I needed to know. That gave me probable cause to snoop deeper and BOOM, there it was.
By the way, today we're still together and have fixed our issues. If I ask to use her for or she asks to use mine, we each would hand it right over.
Not all M's can be fixed. You made a good choice coming here. Now make another good choice and listen to our advice. Be strong. You can do this.
