Here we go again....

[matw]

journaling...

So yesterday was more of the same. I went to the gym in the morning 5am. One of the things I decided I want to do is a bodybuilding competition on April 8, 2017. So right now I am putting on as much muscle as I can then will do a 20 week contest prep starting November 19th. This will be huge for me considering I was 277 lbs (and fat) last spring and by the time the contest happens I will be under 200 lbs (haven't been that low since high school). So the diet, working out, etc.. will be a major concentration for me while I work through the W and I living apart. It will also be a major confidence boost to me because I have never been in that good of shape (i.e. seeing my Ab's )

So the hardest part for me is not texting my W during the day. I find myself wanting to text her to see what she is doing, how our kids are, and checking in... We used to text a lot just a few weeks ago before she dropped the bomb she was going to move to the apartment. Now unless I text her its rare that I get one from her. I guess its almost like an addiction for me... then when I do text her its just forced conversation. Nothing enjoyable about it for either of us I am sure. I need to stop texting..... I know it and as I write this it makes so much sense. I guess just harder to put into practice.

So last night I get home and my wife has cleaned out a good portion of our garage so she can park her Jeep in there. Before she decided she needed space we were going to sell this house and buy a new one. Well we were moving all of the stuff to the garage so we haven't been able to park in it. She has been unpacking all the boxes and putting things back. She is putting back up our pictures... even the ones where its the two of us (like engagement and wedding pictures). Its really a mind [censored] when I see these pictures. I want to ask if she plans on putting any up at her apartment or am I the only one that gets to be reminded that we failed at marriage twice?

Anyways we ate dinner together the two of us. She brought up she was going to be stressed about money while she gets ready for the apartment. I really didn't respond because I am not the one who choose to move into an apartment. I have already committed to paying $300 a month for it which looking back I should not have done. W and I also talked because she isn't happy with her work from home job. She has always wanted to be a counselor for addictions and I honestly think she would be good at it. She is going to go to a local school here for an Intro Class in the beginning of November to see how their program works. Again she made a comment though that she didn't know how she was going to pay for it. I knew I shouldn't respond but being the guy I am I said if it was something you really wanted to do we could figure it out. After we talked for a little bit she went up to take a shower.

I played with my 3 kids and we had a lot of fun. I was throwing a ball around to my S9 and S10 while my D3 tried to get it from us. She was laughing so cute and having a good time. W came back downstairs and played with us for a little bit. Actually saw her smiling and enjoying spending time with us. Then we take our D up to bed with us. We watched some TV while our D fell asleep. We were both having a hard time falling asleep so she wants me to scratch her back which I do for awhile. This is the first time she has actually wanted to be the close to me. I know its wrong but it just feels so good to be like that. I know its going the wrong way when it comes to her respect for me.

Also I have a question.. my W turned 30 this past August. It was really hard on her. She made comments like she had kids all during her 20's and seems resentful by it. She also had a friend of hers commit suicide in July that hit her really hard. Now she is questioning her job and obviously our marriage. I am wondering is 30 to young for a MLC? or least some tendencies that way. Does that change anything I should be doing? Maybe it doesn't matter and I am mind reading but just from some of her actions it seems like it. Also we had a lot of issues when our S's were 3/4 which is that age our D is right now. Also at the time she was turning 21 which is a pretty big age when it comes to wanting to be single/partying/etc... Those are just some similarities I am noticing between this sitch and the one we had before. For all the LBS we all know the mind races incredibly on all sorts of thoughts/feelings.