Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

(ericmsant2 - what I learned is that while I am still having trouble internalizing all this, you can always shut up. It was just so validating to have someone from her side approach me with concern about her and/or us. I was wishing for this to happen.)

Elsewhere... Monster came to spew Friday night. I was putting away laundry in the MBR when she came in and bluntly asked "So have you thought about our separation?" I said I hadn't. "Well, I want a separation." She sat on the bed, looking at the wall. I said that's OK. "I want child support, that's 32 percent." I asked "32 percent of what?" "Of what you have, we have to make arrangements so we can live like room mates." I told her we were already living that way. "We have to make it legal."

I asked if she meant that she's expecting to receive 32% on top of what I already pay for (which is everything) damn near all of my paycheck. She said yes. Um, ok...I am supposed to fork over 32% on top of the 80% - 90% that goes towards covering the family bills.

I continue to try and DB - to shut up and validate. There is still part of my brain that won't accept this when we get into budget disputes. Money is math and I can't help but speak up when she starts talking like Radiohead lyrics (2+2=5). I tried pointing out that this doesn't make any sense. She immediately starts screaming "I don't f&*king care! God, I wanna punch you in the god damn face!" I leave the room.

She follows me into the darkened living room. "It's over! We're done." I keep my cool. She stands in the front of me wiggling three fingers a hair away from my eyes. "I've talked to 3 lawyers! Three! Do you know what they're telling me to do! They're telling me to bleed you dry! They're telling me to take everything!" I tell her to do what she feels is best, but I am not agreeing to some vague percentage of my income when I still live there and am already paying for everything. She has not received her first paycheck nor has she indicated what she's going to be paying for.

She switches topics yet again and tells me once more that the house is only 25% mine because her name is on the mortgage and the deed (not true, I have both) - all the while jabbing her index finger so she's almost touching my face. She wants me to say "get your finger out of my face", she wants me to escalate everything. I stay still and silent and speak up only when her logic fails. I tell her that I am paying the mortgage and that means more than any title. If she can't pay the mortgage, what is she going to say to the mortgage company? "My name's on the title." They don't care who's name is on the title - the bills must be paid.

I point out at her pay rate and with a weekly deduction of $125 to her mother for child care, she's still has an expendable income of $800 - $1000 per month, depending on taxes. She was visibly annoyed when I shared that I made this calculation for myself, and switched the topic.

Following me back to the MBR, I'm laying in bed with S4 and S3. She regurgitates more of what I've heard before - "my friends can't stand you, and neither can my family, when I told them this year how much I hate you, they all agreed..." "you don't treat me like an equal, you treat me like a teenager..." More of the same. I don't know why she wanted to pick a fight that night, but she pressed on "I'm trying to do this nicely, so we don't get lawyers involved. I don't want this to be a big mess." She's rambling, switching from accusation to threat and back again. "You're an excellent father, I don't want you to hate me forever. Everyone says you're gonna hate me forever." "You know, the courts are gonna give me the kids!" She asks if I have consulted any lawyers "What do you care?" I reply.

She asks why do I want to keep going on. I say "because we're worth it. All of us. You, me, the kids. When it's great, it's the best. You don't throw in the towel at the first roadblock." She looks away and mutters "Uh, well I need time alone." Well sure, I can see that. I notice her time alone doesn't involve asking me to move out, because she'd lose her f$%king mind watching 3 boys by herself when she just wants to disappear into her phone.

"I'm trying to do this with doing as little damage as possible. But, I've made up my mind...between doing this for the kids and me, I choose me." Yes, I kid you not - she actually said that out loud to me.

I don't know what motivated her demand. I just emptied our savings account that day. I don't know if she's noticed. I moved our savings out of our joint account. It's been moved to a single account at a different bank. I built up that savings account by myself storing tax refunds over several years. She's spent 1/3 of our savings in the past 8 months.

I didn't even recapitulate the conversation very well here. It was kernels of truth here & there buried in MLC fog. I can't remember all of it, other than she couldn't account for what our monthly budget is and just replied with screaming "I don't care!" over and over.

Saturday she took S8 and S4 to visit MLC Friend #1 for most of the day. She actually said goodbye to me when she left (and in a pleasant tone of voice). It was cold & rainy. S3 and I took a 3 hour nap, snuggling together. I had the window cracked enough to hear the rain, it was so relaxing. Afterwards, I did some yard work with S3 happily running around. W came home with S8 and S4 around 9:30 PM. S8 was disappointed in the evening, being stuck in some kid's bedroom playing video games he didn't like. I had to console him a bit.

Last night I'm settling in for bed with S4 and S3. S4 and I are having some 'whisper talk' which I always do at bedtime to quiet him down. S4 suddenly asks me "Do you hate Mom?" I was so thrown off I asked him to repeat the question, but I heard right. "No, I love Mommy!" S4 countered with "I hate Mom." I knew right away these were not his own words. I asked where he heard that - "from S8. S8 hates Mom." I asked why and he said "because Mom is always yelling at us and telling us to clean up."

I assured S4 that S8 doesn't hate Mommy, that he was just mad and it's okay to be mad because everyone gets mad. I re-iterated that S8 loves Mommy and so does S3 and so do I and that Mommy loves all of us. S4 smiled, gave me the thumbs up and we went on to talk about something else.

Since mid-July, this has grown progressively true. W does have great moments of affection with our sons (usually when she arrives home or is leaving), but by and large her cell phone remains her constant focus and she engages the boys most when she yells at them to clean up - quite ferociously. She tries to earn favor by always buying them a lot of sweets, but that can only go so far.

I can talk about W with great enthusiasm & encouragement towards our sons, but they are sensing for themselves her detachment and they gravitate towards me more and more. I can't do anything about that but be the best dad I can be.

I loaded up all my Mary J. Blige albums on the mp3. Damn, I forgot about her!