Don't know how to deal with this hurt and anger :(

[AndrewP]

TLE - I'm sorry that you're here but glad that you are as well. I'm one of your "neighbours" and hang out on the MidLife Crisis forum.

Just like you, it seemed as if a switch suddenly flipped in my W one day when I confronted her about her affair. What I didn't realize at the time was that it had been building under the surface for quite a long time and the apparent sudden change was just the release of what was really going on underneath.

One thing that helps me a lot is from the reading I've done and from the evidence of my own eyes that I believe that what my spouse and probably yours is going through is probably so much harder than what we are ourselves. We have the sudden shock and loss of someone we thought we knew along with the associated confusion and yes, guilt. They have been in a stew of depression and confusion for some time and are probably even more lost and confused than us which is why sometimes they will act out and do things that make absolutely no sense to us.

What we both need to do is to be strong and be the "lighthouse" that is part of Cadet's reading. It's not going to be easy and there are no guarantees of success in rebuilding your marriage but there are never any guarantees in this life. Your H right now is lost in the fog not knowing what he wants or where he wants to go.

You will also want to take care with your finances and other things. People in crisis can act unpredictably. I'm not saying pull all the money away, just that you need to keep a careful eye on it. Just because he hasn't bought that new car yet doesn't mean that he doesn't have his eye on a boat Also just to reinforce something that is in the reading, even though he's reaching out to you, he's very confused and so do not always believe anything he says unless his actions also back him up. You don't have to tell him that you think he's lieing and he may actually believe what he says at that time but just accept that it may not be the complete truth.

One thing that has comforted me here is knowing that I'm not alone, that there are others on a similar journeys some closer to the start like yourself, some a long ways down the path and some have completed their journeys reuniting with their spouse, or completed it alone.

You are not alone, we know your pain because we feel it too. And yes, I still cry almost every day.

Feel free to visit around the other threads and get to know those of us who are also on this journey. There are a lot of inspirational stories out there along with some sad ones. My own thread is full of rambling nonsense so you might want to leave that one until you have a quiet evening and a glass of wine to help you along

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way ....