I have been thinking a lot over the last few days and have realized my STBX's POV. She will never get a job to support the boys and contribute to their well being financially. No one can force STBX to get a job. So who will be the sole breadwinner for the boys, me.
Do yourself a huge favor, and do NOT dictate what the future will be...
Do NOT dictate future success, nor future failures...
Also do not try to predict what your WAS is capable of doing, or not capable of doing...
And while you are there, knock off trying to be the Martyr .
Originally Posted By: JimKao
When I consider things long term, is it better for me to have custody of them or is it better for me to provide financially. I do not feel right paying daycare and babysitters when she does not have to contribute to paying a portion of that financially. My boys will miss out on being able to do other activities since we will still be a divorced single income family.
If I stay in Michigan they will be travelling back and forth for the next 15 years at least once a month. This is too much for such for them.
So I have decided that once the D is done, I am going to speak with STBX and have the boys live with her and I will move to Toronto and the boys can move into the new house with her and start school there in January. I am going to speak with my VP again about the transfer. There was also a promotional opportunity at the facility in Toronto that I am going to see if I can get.
What is best for the boys, is for you to quit trying to win back your WAS by making knee-jerk, irrational decisions about your future. and the future of the boys....
What is best for the boys, is SHOWING them how to come through a difficult period of your life without taking the easy path...
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I am sure that there are many that would say money isn't everything. I want to be the best dad I can be. I know that whoever has custody will need help raising 5 boys so I guess for the sake of the boys, it is best we do that as a team and co-parent in the same city. STBX has had a lot more time to disassociate the M and our R from the love that we both have for the boys, I am just getting to that point.
At least I can show my boys that I am a man who provides for his family and does what a person has to in order to ensure that they have all I can offer them. I am sure that STBX will do the same based on her abilities.
STBX has told me many times, let's work this out and not spend money on L's. Guess I should have listened to her as the outcome in the long run will end up the same as what she wanted, just with less money now. STBX is a smart person. I have learned a lot over the last year of this rollercoaster ride.
Toronto ? Really ??
Don't get me wrong, Toronto is a nice city. However, you making the decision to move there, on a small sliver of hope that it will either cause her to have second thoughts, or to actually co-parent with you....
Is pretty naive....
I would Google what it means to parallel parent your kids...
Maybe, one day, you can co-parent, but for the next few years, you will look more like the parallel kind of parenting.
It takes work and communication to co-parent. You are still way too raw for that, and from reading about her, she has zero interest in it...
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I will explain to my boys at some time in the future that I did not give them to STBX because I gave up, I gave them to her because she loves them and so do I and in order to ensure they have everything they need to live a stable life I am giving them the gift of their mother.
I realized I don't need to see them everyday in order to be happy and be the best dad that I can be. Although I long for this sitch to be different, it is my reality. I have a lot of work to do on myself to show these little men what a good man is.
B is for bullschidt....
Again, cut the martyr crap...
Secondly, do NOT pull them into this...
Thirdly, giving up for your above reasons, and giving up because you can't put a bottle down, or a needle down....???
In the end, you are still giving up on them, the reason will be irrelevant in the future...
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I am still hopeful that one day STBX and I will be back together, but that choice will be on her. It is a shame that people hold resentment, anger and cannot forgive others for their actions. It affects more than just the two people who were in an R or M.
I have to rebuild the friendship with her, I want to be flexible with her on raising these boys. I want the boys to see a smile on both their parent's faces, M or not. Life is not black and white. Most people would like it to be, even me. Going through this experience shows me that life is grey.
I once was the kind, giving, chivalrous gentleman that STBX fell in love with. I want to be that man again and better. When STBX made the decision to move to Michigan she said she would make it work. Well that did not happen, so it is my turn to try and make it work and see where life takes me.
Huge difference between being flexible, and giving away your mojo at every opportunity....
And you have a better shot at anything in life if you CHOOSE to not cut and run from it...
Life is about handling the grey....
The black and white are the decisions that you make to get to the grey...
Black and White are the decisions that aren't flexible, grey is..
Black and White are from where you LEAD your family...
Grey is where you moan about what you didn't do in the black and white...
Do your self a favor Jim....
Do NOT make any decisions while you are raw from this ???
