Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[Cherry]

I think you did really well holding it together during the tricky talk! Well done on standing your ground, especially with her wanting you to sign them at your nieces party. Wtf?!

Coly, I found that really sad too, like you said it must be part of the history re-write. We had a bit of a battle to start with, big cultural differences between us, which was a worry at the time. His mom had her initial concerns as I was of a different culture and it's not the norm to marry outside of their culture. Still she met me and loved me, and then we found that there was no problems, if anything it was great to join both cultures together. But to start we were worried about this, but we both new that we wanted this, and it didn't matter what anyone else thought. But my wh too has succeeded in acting as though none of this happened.

[maybs]

Cherry, I couldn't believe she didn't see how that was inappropriate for us to sign divorce papers at a toddlers birthday party in front of her entire family....

It must be part of the history re-write, I don't know how they forget all they were willing to go through and fight for to get here just to turn and walk away.

Okay, so party update. I asked SIL if I could get there early so I could spend some time with my nieces before everyone got there. So I was about an hour early, they both ran right up to me and hugged me and wanted me to pick them up and it was so sweet, they never act like that towards anyone!

BIL told me that a couple of weeks ago when W had her birthday dinner with them my oldest niece kept saying "Happy Birthday (my name)" not W's name.

So it was pretty much just family BIL, SIL, W, FIL and then SIL's sister, BIL, and parents. We have always all been pretty close, both families are smaller and so we always tend to celebrate things together. When W got there she said hi to everyone else and completely ignored me. She wouldn't even stay in the same room as me. I just let it go and spent time with the family, laughing and joking and eating and honestly I had a super good time.

There were a couple of times that W was having a conversation with like the entire room and I would say something and she would act like I didn't even exist so I just let her act like a child and did my own thing.

She left before I did and SIL and I were talking about doing some kind of dinner or girls day for me tomorrow because it's my birthday tomorrow and she asked if I had to work Monday and I told her I wasn't sure because Monday was our court date and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go or not since they're going to be finalizing the D. And she had no idea like W I guess hasn't mentioned it to anyone. So then BIL, SIL and her parents were talking to me about it and asking about how stuff was split up and blah blah blah.

And SIL mother just like flew off the handle and was like "good she doesn't deserve anything she's the one that doesn't understand what marriage is and she's the one that cheated and didn't understand that marriage takes work and effort it's not all just good times."

I can see after the party why she feels that there's a wedge between her and her family and I can see why she would think it's me. But her family loves me and they try to talk to her and even in person she's very withdrawn. So it's hard for them to approach her or even hold a conversation with her. And I literally acted like my normal self and was having fun.

After the party I called my friend H and we talked for like an hour and a half about everything that happened with the text conversation yesterday and the blow up on Tuesday and the party and everything. And in true bff fashion she supports and understands why I still would wnat to try with W but also tells me like it is and said that with the way she's been acting the last week I deserve so much better. Which is true. I don't deserve the way she has been treating me especially this last week. I've tried to stay polite, validating, and calm and she just keeps throwing her little tantrums.

[PsySara]

It's like the WS reads a script and memorizes it, huh? My WH spent three years arguing with his family about marrying me. Like Cherry, my WH is from the same culture and I am a different ethnicity and a convert to Islam. He finally went against his family and married me anyways. But if you ask him now he will say he married me only out of duty and he was never "in love" with me. Of course he was "in love" with the newly 21 year old AP that he had known for a total of three weeks before throwing his marriage away.

[maybs]

It just seems crazy to me that they can forget all of that. but it also seems just as crazy that they can now claim there was nothing good about our M ever...

My W has been saying that I'm everything she never wanted... I don't even want to point out that that can't be true. You don't willingly marry someone whom you despise everything about. But I'm not going to argue with her about it, she needs to get there on her own.

Today is actually my birthday, I am going to meet up with my SIL for a girls shopping day and get dinner and stuff. I was going to go back up there for dinner tonight with the whole fam but she decided we needed an adult day so I will go see them again in the next couple of weeks. My niece sent me a video of her singing happy birthday to me this morning and it was the sweetest thing ever. I think I've watched it 10 times already.

Might spend some time with a friend from work later tonight but I'm not sure what the plan is.

Pretty much going to spend the day trying not to dwell on the fact that at 6:30 tomorrow morning the person I love most in this world is coming to have me sign the divorce judgement so it can be submitted to the court and finalized tomorrow morning at 9....

I did kind of accidentally see that she had contacted a counseling service last week. I do hope that goes well for her and can help her work through her stuff.

I know this is mind reading but with how combative she became towards me in the last week (when we had been doing really well and taking steps forward, small steps but steps) I have a feeling it is to try to get me to argue with her and reassure her of her decision. She's gone through a lot the past couple of weeks and I haven't been there to support her or celebrate anything with her and it must be hard to be going through all these health changes again but this time with no one to help her. I was the one that helped and supported her last time and went to all her dr. appointments and scans and bloodwork and now it's just her on her own.

[Coly23]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYBS! I hope you have a lovely time and try and put tomorrow out your mind. I know it's going to be hard on you on Monday, I just don't know how I would feel. It's all so heartbreaking and unnecessary...

You have been very strong and consistent throughout this ordeal so I am not surprised she is all over the place...

[maybs]

Thank you Coly.

It has been an okay day. And I've been doing pretty good.

SIL and I had dinner and went shopping together earlier. We had a nice chat about W. She said some really interesting things and told me some stuff about their family dynamic that I wasn't aware of before regarding W's mom and what happened around her leaving them and how she acted when she returned and everything.

She also told me she thinks that my W has an undiagnosed personality disorder and hopes that the fact that she's reaching out to a psychologist means she will get help with that.

She also told me that ow fosters kids and that my W isn't capable of handling that, which I have always known we discussed that when we were together. That we could never foster kids becuase she recognizes that she doesn't have the capability to deal with foster kids and know how to take care of them.

SIL also told me that she doesn't understand how ow and W are still together because W is straight up pretending to be interested in a bunch of activities that she has never shown any interest in.

I guess that a few weeks ago when they had a dinner for my W's birthday she brought ow and my niece kept saying happy birthday (my name) and W and ow were both getting really really upset about it. like noticeably angry that she kept saying my name.

SIL also said that she thinks that W has been combative with me to pick fights with me in order to try to reassure herself that she's doing the right thing and the fact that I'm not fighting back makes her just throw her little tantrums.

SIL also said that something happened to me about a month after Cassie left and she likes me much more now. I told her that she needs to understand that's not something that just magically happened because W left it's something that I've been working super hard on. She voiced concerns that if we were to get back together I would lose this new found me and I told her no. I was honest and told her that at this point I cannot say with 100% certainty that even if our D is finalized tomorrow that I wouldn't be willing to get back together in the future but that there would be a lot of things that would have to happen for that to be possible.

I don't know I always have a ton of fun with her and on some levels it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one that thinks W is acting crazy and doesn't understand the consequences of D. She also said that after tomorrow I need to just stop talking her completely to get her to see all she's losing.

I'm not sure. I just don't know what to think. I don't want this but I still completely think that there's no stopping her. I think that this has to happen for her to stop being able to blame her problems on me, for her to even have a chance of taking a step back and looking at herself and not me.

This just all feels awful. There's just nothing I can do but work on me and stand back and watch as she implodes and throws her tantrum.

[Coly23]

Thinking you today Maybs... X

[maybs]

Well She already stopped by this morning to have me sign the papers. I did say something that probably wasn't good DB but I needed to say it for me.

I told her that I was signing the papers not because this is what I wanted but because it was what she wanted and I respect her decision even though I disagree and because I do love her.

She said something about how everyone thinks this is so easy for her but it's not because she does love me and always will but that she doesn't think us being together is the right thing. It's just a perception that I have that this is easy for her, is what she said.

She said that I seem much better off now without her than before and that us being together was just stifling me. I just wanted to scream at her. I'm only "better off" because I've spent so much time focusing on myself not because our M was bad for me! All I said is that I've been working really hard at it and she was like what do you mean like you don't want to be doing all these things you're doing? and I just said not always.

We talked about counseling and she thinks the only reason I went and got help is because she said she wanted a D. which is true it's what triggered it but if that was the only reason I was going why would I still be going?

I don't know she kept trying to spin it into like she's doing this for me...and finally I said something very calmly and politely. I was like "You aren't going to be able to spin this in a way that makes me feel good about this. I do not agree that this is the right thing for us and as I have said I'm only willingly signing because this is what you want and I care about your happiness."

I don't know, I said what I had to say and honestly it was for me not her. She's going to go through with this, I know that everything I've done has been for me and not her but it still [censored] that she's now using those things to point and say "see you're better off without me". I'm not even convinced she's WW anymore. I feel like she just doesn't want to be with me...

[maybs]

Oh AND she told me that she thought that if we were to get back together all of the things I'm doing and that changes I'm making would just slowly "trickle away" and things would go back to how they were.

[maybs]

It's so frustrating that at first she left because it was apparently impossible that I could change.

And now I am changing and she just points to it and says "you're better off without me now see." or says that if we were to get back together all of those changes would disappear.

It's like I can't win no matter what I do.

The only reason I even think she's WW is because it's not just me that sees that she has drastically changed her personality and her interests. I honestly feel like there is no chance for us ever... It's just done