Being good at disagreement

[Zues126]

J, I hesitated to reply. There is no secret I feel pretty strongly about the one year rule. As a result, I often times don't post in threads where people are dating again so soon, the same as I essentially never post in someone's thread when they come to these boards saying they initiated a divorce earlier in their life (Not that they are horrible people, but these days I just don't mingle with that group much).

But I am challenging myself for a few reasons. One is that I'm still wrestling with this within myself. Part of me thinks it's normal and natural to distance myself in this way, the same way I don't hang out with people that drink- not that there's anything seriously wrong with drinking, just not my element. But part of me thinks I need to be more allowing. Below I acknowledge that I, too, was critical in my marriage, and I am trying to figure out these balances between boundaries and tolerance. Most of all though J, you are one of my favoritest posters on this forum, you have inspired me with your journey, and you have supported me through mine, and I'm not prepared to write you off because you were in a bad place and medicated a bit to get through (which is my own take on a new R. I acknowledge this is just my perspective, not saying it's 'correct'). And trust me, I wouldn't have any friends if those who cared for me weren't EXTREMELY tolerant in so many ways.

So please forgive my criticism. I can move past it if you can, and I would love to still be a J supporter. If there's one thing I've learned it's that there is no such thing as 'compatible', there's just people that can respect each other's differences and not let them get in the way of the positives that outnumber them.

Was I that bad of a wife...

You know I think we are all terrible spouses

...to warrant the way husband treated me in the end. Is he that big of an a... To treat and neglect me and our son the way that he did.

We live in a world where many people don't consider this that egregious. Your XH isn't a horrible person. He is a human with faults, and one of them is buying into the idea that personal happiness are all important and trump values and commitment (whereas
I believe values and commitment are all important and we aren't entitled to happiness, yet ironically true happiness comes from honoring those values).

While we can let go of our anger and find forgiveness in the sense of not letting it poison our lives, I believe it is appropriate to always have a passionate distaste for these actions, and to cast our vote boldly within our center of influence so others may be inspired to follow a different path than your XH.

Someone told me to forgive myself and husband that I have to move past perfectionism. I was hard on husband because I am hard on myself.

I was hard on XW and that played a role in the breakdown of my M. I was 1,000 times harder on myself.

I'm all about finding forgiveness, and learning to manage my perfectionism. But I've accepted that I will always have a strong trace of perfectionism, or if it leaves it will go at it's own pace. We can learn and grow and change to a degree, but part of that growth is understanding what parts of us are who we are and accepting them and living with them. For me, continuing to drive towards the elimination of perfectionism would be a paradox, since it's really more of the same. Accepting that I'm wired a bit different than most people and being ok with it, but learning how to minimize the harm I cause to myself and others, and maximize the gifts that it brings to me and those I love- that is my game plan. And it probably won't work perfectly, but that's ok too.

I need to find a therapist to examine the relationship I had with hubby. I was always criticising and demanding but I always felt neglected.

Never a bad idea.

All in all J I'm really glad to see you posting again!!!