Looking for some direction!

[Zues126]

I am still around. Things have progressed quite a bit since my last post. We are now separated switching out home and apartment between the two of us so kids can stay at main home. we had been talking about this for weeks and finally she acted on it. Within a conversation she told me she was to far gone and them followed it up with but I don't want a divorce. She said she wanted some time so that she figure out if she was doing the right thing..so here we are. This started yesterday..When she told the kids she said we were separating to work on ourselves. Not sure how to take that but I know she needs to work on herself before she can even begin to think about our marriage. Thoughts on all this? I have pretty much just let her go at this point as I truly believe the only way I fix my marriage right now is to do nothing...How to proceed??

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

This text in red doesn't mean what you are hearing. What you are hearing is "oh, gee, she realizes how big of a loss the divorce would be, and has underlying feelings, but things ARE tough, so it kind of makes sense to let the dust settle, grow as humans, than reconnect as mature adults and heal and intertwine our lives together again..." Whereas what she's really saying is "I want to do what I want whenever I feel like it, this other guy makes me feel alive and desirable so I want to be with him right now, but I kind of want to see where it leads, so I want to make sure LBH is still around in case I change my mind, but I know that won't happen, but anyway it's better if I tell him this because I don't want him doing anything I don't want him to and it's much easier to keep him under control if he's trying to be on his best behavior to keep me, so I need to keep the illusion of that alive as long as I can. I wonder what I should wear tonight for my date?"

I'm NOT saying it's 'hopeless' or your marriage doesn't have a chance. But it is important to understand where she's really coming from. Sandi is right on with this. She'll be manipulating you with temp checks, alternatively spewing and then warming up, waterworks and potentially physical affection, then anger and insanity.

Things I agree with:
1. Everything Sandi has said. Particularly about not mentioning to W doing anything to improve yourself. Read the 37 rules 3xday.
2. Cadet mentioned no one thing would make or break this. That includes talking about divorce. Don't go to 'all or nothing' thinking. That's distorted thinking. Stay in the present and don't get ahead of yourself. The road ahead is in the fog, focus on the road in front of you.
3. ForGump I believe said to 'do nothing'. That is correct. Right now doing no more damage is a great start as you get a grip on your situation.

I will add: Keep posting. I would encourage you to post daily if possible. You get out of this what you put into it. What else are you doing that's more important? The only reason not to is if you see no value, but there is tremendous value. It allows you to journal, vent, etc, but more than that, you get to hear advice from many other people going through the same thing, and prepare your responses for tough situations. Situations that if you were unprepared for you might handle poorly. Setting daily goals for yourself and executing them would be key. I'd also encourage you to post on other's threads. I'll repeat myself one more time- these forums can change your life.

I have more I could say, but I don't want this to go on any longer. Please keep posting so I can continue to reply in bite sized pieces. And keep reading around your kid. In fact, maybe read TO your kid. I just finished reading lord of the rings to my S12 and D9. It took a year and it was the COOLEST thing we've ever done. I felt like we took a year vacation to middle earth. We are now watching the movies which, while nothing compared to the books, are epic in the sense that they pay tribute to where we've been. I have a map of middle earth on the living room wall and am literally wearing a middle earth shirt. We are so geeked out, it's awesome. Anyway, I get carried away. Might I suggest "Ender's Game" as a profoundly enjoyable read to a kid that age. But pick what you want, just give it a thought. I have done a lot in my life, but reading to my kids is easily the highlight. Hang in and look out for Nazgul!