W was upset that I'd want to change Ds routine. She said that we need to figure out S and custody situation before we change anything. I told her that changing who does Ds dinners and meds wouldn't matter to the routine. W was actually honest (I think) and said that it gives her a lot of anxiety to have to make that change right now to Ds routine. We agreed that I would do Ds food and meds on Sunday and start off with one night next week.
On the homework, W cried and said D is doing so awesome this year in school. I can't just come in and stress D out with changes. W says she's had massive anxiety over this bc she knows it will screw up Ds schoolwork. I told W that I have anxiety around the continuity D will need when we pull our family apart shortly. With D being split evenly between us, I would like to pull her down a similar homework path that W has to make the transition easier. I.e. I understand wholesale changes are not the best when you've just been told your parents are divorcing. W sat back and rationally thought about it and said she hadn't seen it from that viewpoint. We are going to start off with me helping on homework and dinner/meds next Monday.
W got into MC and my refusal to go back. She says we will not make any progress on fixing our issues to co-parent unless we do this. She said it was my idea to start and I'm just angry someone called me out on this being my fault. She said MC called me out for not accepting blame for this situation and I'm unwilling, as always, to accept and apologize for that blame.
I told W, and maybe this is wrong but I felt it had to be said, that I will not go back to MC bc it won't fix anything. The real issue is that W is making a choice to hold onto anger and resentment and until that's corrected we won't be able to communicate. MC with both of us won't solve that. I said that W should take MC up on her offer to be Ws IC. W brushed that off and said fine, we will just go to court and never talk to each other, etc. W said that I obviously don't care about her. My actions since April (the ever changing BD date) have shown I'm unwilling to fix myself and I have made no changes. Every change has been focused on myself and none have been focused on W and D. W said I have never accepted blame or genuinely apologized for things in the past.
W said that D this week told W that she wants us to live apart. For the first time, W said its bc D isn't happy with the fighting bt us. W said D is unhappy with the constant arguing and snapping. I told W those things only come from her side. She is making a choice to harbor that anger and resentment. She is making a choice to have confrontations. I told her that I walk away when she gets angry and combative because I will not allow her to speak to me like that and I am very cognizant it stresses D. I said I'm more than happy to talk, but I will not tolerate it.
W actually said that had I merely gone to a hotel in April for a week and given her the space she needed that we wouldn't be where we are right now. That had I done that and fixed my issues we would be fine now. I felt like I was looking at a lunatic at that point.
I stopped her there. I told her that was a very hurtful thing to say and that we both know that's not true. She sat there and stared into space. I then told her that ever since May, I've been working to improve me for D and myself. There was no way to fix W and I bc W was not open to it and continues to tell me she is not. But, I told her that for her to say I didn't care about her and D is ridiculous. (My slip up starts here). I told her I spent the past 4 months standing in the face of some pretty horrible things to defend our family and our M. If I didn't care then why would I have not just left. W still sat there staring into space. (My slip up ends here).
I then tell W that I will not push this thing forward but I won't stand in her way if she wants to leave. I tell her I still believe this is a horrible decision and is not the answer to our problems. But I tell her I accept that she's said there is no chance for R and I am continuing to work on D and me. I tell her I'm not working on W and I bc she has made it clear that's not what she wants.
I ask her when her Ls will have the papers ready. She says sometime this week. I tell her I am putting together house stuff that needs to get done to sell and expenses we need to look at cutting. I tell her we should sit down later in the week and discuss.
I tell W I would like D to see an IC. W says not until we tell her and only if she needs it. I tell W that once we tell D then she needs to see an IC. W says D will probably be ecstatic W and I are S. W says she would have been ecstatic if her parents had S when she was younger. Unsure how W believes she can lay her perception of things onto Ds experience. Drives me nuts.
Overall, an ok discussion. Her comments about the hotel and not caring obviously got to me. I felt those needed to be responded to, for better or worse.
W believes I'm unwilling to accept blame for my faults and am shirking responsibility for our issues. I believe it's just the opposite and she is unwilling or unable to see and address her faults. No need to hammer that home though. I know my issues and am working to fix them.
I wish W would see that IC. It would be a death knell for my M (not much of a chance now anyways) but I would like her to find happiness and contentment. If not for her, then for my D at least. I fear W will be an anchor on my D as they both get older. W really needs to get through her issues, similar to how I'm grinding through mine. Really wish she would try, if only for herself and D.
S and custody agreements are coming. W seems to think physical S fixes everything. I think she's in for a surprise when it does not. It's unfortunate, but unavoidable at this point I believe. Crazy train, ticket for one please....
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
