How to rekindle love? (2)

[Rose888]

Thanks, SH, Painter, and Cherry. I appreciate the words of support.

Painter, yes, I've had a hormone screen. Everything is normal, but the doctor out me on testosterone cream a year ago. It helps with some aspects.

H has not tried a lamp because of studies showing they can cause eye damage.

[PsySara]

How are things going between you guys?

[Rose888]

How are things going between you guys?

Honestly, they've never been better.

Our sex life is the best it's ever been. It's a combination of hormone treatment, changing how I handle my period, the fear of losing him, books that helped me understand H and my own libido, trying to tap into my never-really-developed sensual side, and prioritizing our sex life over things like the kids getting to the bus stop on time (although they've never actually missed the bus).

My big fear now is complacency. I don't want to slip into the old way.

On other fronts, I decided to 180 some minor irritations and stop leading us down cheeseless tunnels, and H has responded by doing some 180s of his own and avoiding the cheeseless tunnels that he lead us down.

I don't think DB saved my marriage, because that doesn't give H credit for choosing to stay and doing the work he's doing. DB and Michelle's book on sex-starved marriages did help me figure out what I needed to change, and my IC gave me the mental tools to not freak out and wreck everything.

[Gordie]

Rose888,

I just finished reading all of your posts. Thank you for sharing your story. It's so encouraging to hear the blow by blow struggle, steps taken, progress and success. Best wishes to you and your H and kids.

[Rose888]

Thanks, Gordie. I'm glad it was helpful.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your situation.

[Gordie]

Rose888,

I have a question for you as I respect you greatly and feel you have been particularly insightful in helping me understand my W's perspective. Post-BD, my W has opened up to me about how she feels about our sex life. W has voiced that she has felt used and even violated during sexual encounters, when I wanted sex and she didn't, but she went along with it because she felt it was her marital obligation. I was shocked as she'd never voiced this before and devastated as "used" and "violated" are last things I would want her to feel. Since she has told me this, I decided I would cease all initiation of sexual contact (a true 180). Fortunately, she now initiates sex with me. I have noted that she initiates sex when she feels very, very emotionally connected to me--usually after we have spent a lot of alone time together and she has revealed something deeper about herself to me--whether negative (such as pent up anger or frustration) or positive (dreams about the way she wants to live her life). I have also noticed that after we have sexual relations, she also distances herself from me the day after. The DB coach said that this is probably her internal conflict: "I want to divorce Gordie; why did I just initiate sex with him? I've gotten too close; I need to create distance." Recently, she has also wanted me to be more physically intimate with her (taking off her clothes and asking me to massage her; asking me to hold her closely so she can fall asleep). I'd love to know if you have any thoughts on what is going on and if you have any advice on how I should be conducting myself.

[Rose888]

Rose888,

I have a question for you as I respect you greatly and feel you have been particularly insightful in helping me understand my W's perspective. Post-BD, my W has opened up to me about how she feels about our sex life. W has voiced that she has felt used and even violated during sexual encounters, when I wanted sex and she didn't, but she went along with it because she felt it was her marital obligation. I was shocked as she'd never voiced this before and devastated as "used" and "violated" are last things I would want her to feel. Since she has told me this, I decided I would cease all initiation of sexual contact (a true 180). Fortunately, she now initiates sex with me. I have noted that she initiates sex when she feels very, very emotionally connected to me--usually after we have spent a lot of alone time together and she has revealed something deeper about herself to me--whether negative (such as pent up anger or frustration) or positive (dreams about the way she wants to live her life). I have also noticed that after we have sexual relations, she also distances herself from me the day after. The DB coach said that this is probably her internal conflict: "I want to divorce Gordie; why did I just initiate sex with him? I've gotten too close; I need to create distance." Recently, she has also wanted me to be more physically intimate with her (taking off her clothes and asking me to massage her; asking me to hold her closely so she can fall asleep). I'd love to know if you have any thoughts on what is going on and if you have any advice on how I should be conducting myself.

Thanks for the compliment. I am glad something I've said has been helpful.

I can somewhat relate to what your wife said, which I know would horrify my husband.

Here's my current thinking.

I was raised with a very strong emphasis on no sex before marriage. And not just no sex. Nothing even remotely close. So was H. We were each other's first and only sexual partner. I had visions of our wedding night as being romantic. He had visions of our wedding not being passionate. We didn't discuss our visions ahead of time. Naturally, neither of us got our vision.

So that started us off on the wrong foot at the very beginning.

Another issue for me was not feeling like H desired me for myself. I felt like he wanted sex and I was his only choice. I didn't feel like he wanted me.

I don't know if any of that applies to your wife, or if it even makes sense.

I realized during my time on this site that I have no sense of myself as a sexual person. I've been working on that. I wonder if that is part of what your wife is doing with the undressing and massage.

I agree with your DB coach that your wife is very confused.

As for what you should do, I am hesitant to give advice. It's tricky. I think you are handling this aspect well.

Just don't let it keep you from GAL and being emotionally self-sufficient.

[Gordie]

***Thanks for the compliment. I am glad something I've said has been helpful.***

Several things directly to me and what you have said to others.

***I can somewhat relate to what your wife said, which I know would horrify my husband.***

I had a feeling you'd understand.

***Here's my current thinking. I was raised with a very strong emphasis on no sex before marriage. And not just no sex. Nothing even remotely close. So was H. We were each other's first and only sexual partner.***

Our backgrounds are similar on this front.

***I had visions of our wedding night as being romantic. He had visions of our wedding not being passionate. We didn't discuss our visions ahead of time. Naturally, neither of us got our vision. So that started us off on the wrong foot at the very beginning.***

I have never asked my W about our wedding night. Now is not the right time to ask but maybe in the future...

***Another issue for me was not feeling like H desired me for myself. I felt like he wanted sex and I was his only choice. I didn't feel like he wanted me. I don't know if any of that applies to your wife, or if it even makes sense.***

Wow, that is eye opening. I never even considered my W might feel that way but it's more than possible that she does.

***I realized during my time on this site that I have no sense of myself as a sexual person.***

My W has said those exact words.

***I've been working on that.***

Good for you. Is there anything that you wished your H would do to help in this or is this more of an internal process that has nothing to do with your H?

***I wonder if that is part of what your wife is doing with the undressing and massage. I agree with your DB coach that your wife is very confused. As for what you should do, I am hesitant to give advice. It's tricky. I think you are handling this aspect well. Just don't let it keep you from GAL and being emotionally self-sufficient.***

Thank you so much!

[ForGump]

Another issue for me was not feeling like H desired me for myself. I felt like he wanted sex and I was his only choice. I didn't feel like he wanted me.

Rose,

I made my W feel that way. Unintentionally. Can you tell me more about how that happens? What did he do or say that communicated to you that he didn't desire you, he just wanted sex? Was it that there was little attention paid to you, and he went straight to intercourse? Or was it the whole timing of it, him not being in tune w/ your moods, and trying to get intimate when you were nowhere close to feeling relaxed and sexy?

Conversely, what *could* he have done to communicate that he wanted you?

Thanks.

[Rose888]

Gordie and FG.

One thing that would have helped me is for H to talk more during sex and foreplay, to make it clear that his desire was for me specifically.

Also, although he never goes straight to intercourse, I am one of those women who needs to be somewhat aroused before I want certain parts touched. It wasn't until I did some reading last year that I realized this is something men might not expect.

I suggest reading books geared to women who don't like sex to see some of this perspective.

There is also work I've done on my side.