I keep coming back to intense anger at husband. I guess I share that with a lot of the WS on the board. That intense anger that they had for us which allowed them to leave and in most cases betray. I understand that anger so well. I think I use my anger to avoid mourning and grief although the grief peeks in more and more.
Divorce has made me really examine myself. Was I that bad of a wife to warrant the way husband treated me in the end. Is he that big of an a... To treat and neglect me and our son the way that he did.
Someone told me to forgive myself and husband that I have to move past perfectionism. I was hard on husband because I am hard on myself.
I need to find a therapist to examine the relationship I had with hubby. I was always criticising and demanding but I always felt neglected.
I am kind of in the beginning phases of a new relationship. I do not criticize nor make demands. I'm really just living for present but I am so afraid of invading his space and demanding too much time and being needy. I'm under the assumption that men want tons of independence. At times I don't feel completely confident to expect anything because I am an older, single mom. etc. I think he is becoming attached and I am remaining detached because I expect what seems to be inevitable in relationships. His actions are all based on someone that wants to be with me. He wanted to use vacation days so he could accommodate my schedule and spend more time with me. He texts me all the time and talks to me on phone for close to 3 hrs. He talks in terms of future. He confides in me. Things that I am surprised he would confide in me. These are all things my husband never did.
Of course I wonder if he's like that because I'm detached and that's the appeal?
Dating someone does not take away the hurt and pain and feelings of rejection I face with the divorce. Not at all. It just gives me some type of hope maybe or someone pleasant to look forward to.
