Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[Rose888]

Sara,

So what I recall from Gottman's book, one of the 4 horsemen that causes an M to break up is criticism. It is easy for me and my support team to criticize STBX's actions or statements, likewise for her and her support group. This does not create a healthy R whether it is an S, friend or acquaintance.

I do not know whether or not she and I will ever have a healthy R, M or not. I can't worry about that.

I think part of what gets us here is that LBSs see things in black and white and what I am realizing is that an M or R is really grey. There is no right or wrong answer. Do what is counterintuitive. I have to say, it is one thing to work on yourself and another to work on the R. The things you say and do are not the same for both.

lt,

Here is the thing, I really do not have a whole lot of emotions that I am going through anymore.

STBX called the boys Saturday morning at 8:30 am. Boys were up since 6 am. They had breakfast, then they wanted cheese for a snack at 8 and just before STBX calls they found snack bags of Cheetos. I let them each have one. One of the boys told mommy what they were eating and after she was done speaking with them and we hung up the phone she sends a text criticizing me about feeding them Cheetos at 8:30 am. I did not respond. She no longer has that right to dictate what I can and cannot do with them on my time. Before I would have let that bother me and eat me up for not being the perfect parent. Now, I don't let those negative comments affect me.

Mediation did lead to some closure and it did open new questions up for me. I feel like I am in a different kind of limbo now. I don't think there is a best plan. I am working on my plan for me and the boys which may or may not include STBX.

I'm curious about the part in bold, because I have found that working on me and working on the marriage are the same thing.

For example, I work on not expecting my husband to comfort and validate me. I do it for me, but it makes me less clingy and needy, which improves the marriage. I participate in GAL activities, which gives me passion and energy. I do it for me, but it also brings the passion and energy into our home and marriage.

Can you share some examples of how they are different?