How to rekindle love? (2)

[Rose888]

In my just-for-fun reading and watching, I've stumbled on two great examples of DB techniques. I think everyone should watch or read these.

Begin Again--a movie about life post BD. Great soundtrack. Available on Netflix streaming in the US.

The Year of Yes--memoir by Shonda Rhimes (creator of Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, etc.) about a year of 180s and GAL. Very easy read.

[PsySara]

I have found using validation works well with just about everybody. Even my little ones respond when I simply say, you sound like you feel angry/sad/frustrated etc.,

I am pleased to read how well you are progressing in DBing, you should be proud of yourself. I find myself trying to unwind from co-dependent behavior. The ice cream vs. fudge thing was a very similar behavior that I used to do. I had to laugh because I bought a bunch of fudge the other day (ate all of it thankyouverymuch) for the first time in years because no one likes it but me in the house. I would have refrained from buying it before because it "was just for me" and that felt selfish. Now I am like, Give me All The Fudge! In our bonding we accidentally become enmeshed and that's not healthy.

[Rose888]

Sara, thank you for your kind words. I'm always happy to meet another lover of fudge. :-)

[SH_]

Yes. Patience. Trying to "strew" helpful materials. Talking.

I've tried all of these with mixed success.

Keep at it.....
I started my process with d18 when she was in the 8th grade.
Thats when I noticed the manifestations that were going to challenge her.
I did not give up.
Trial and error.
Much patience, love and sometimes simple sitting through the tears and struggles.
Much like DB, much validation, some teaching, more validation and lots of patience.

One recent example was not wanting to go to a party for a school activity. It's a largish group (for our area). Teen has social anxiety about parties. I never know whether to encourage going, or how hard to encourage. Gentle encouragement was not working, and then kid got sick.

Encourage, but respect the choice....
He wants to go, it will just have to be on his terms.
I just read n article today about the science behind the introvert mind.
Science as in proven research, not simply theory.
Very interesting and continues to evolve my thoughts on this matter.
I'll find it again and share some of what I got from it.

Another example is trying to reframe negative thoughts around stress or school or interactions with friends. If there are two ways to frame things, one that makes it not about him and one that makes him feel bad about himself, he always chooses the second.

Continue to ask questions gently....let him lead and select what he needs. He will discover it on his time.

I did have one success last week. He came to me upset about an issue at school, and I found myself trying to fix it, and he was getting frustrated with me. Then I caught myself and switched to validating, and he quickly returned to a calmer state.

And this sounds like DBing... crazy how it can apply in other aspects of life.
Great job.
Marke it down as success, try again, monitor and move forward.

Have you read MWD other book, Change Your Life and everyone in it?

Some good info in there. Still reading it myself, but some good things.

i will swing by again and be more regular.
I am planning to narrow my list of folks for my sanity and to help those in areas that I can lend support.

[Rose888]

Journaling:

There was a real high this week when H told me he loved me and was glad we were married. It felt like the end of the crisis (although obviously, the changes I made need to stay and become a permanent part of our lives).

And then, a few days later, he talked about feeling depressed and low-energy. I was really hoping the depression would stay away for a while. I'm trying to dig deep and use all of my detaching and coping skills to not panic and not make it worse than it is.

I'm hoping that since the low libido situation is better than it's ever been, maybe we can come through this bout of depression without entering a marital crisis. What I have learned about detaching and self-validation will hopefully keep me from getting sucked into the depression with him and will help me be a lighthouse.

Still. Wouldn't have minded a bigger break.

[PsySara]

Is he getting help for the depression? I am a mental health professional and he'll want to avoid specific antidepressants as they are libido killers (SSRIs.) There are others that can help with his mood without disturbing his man part. (SnRIs) CBT for depression is a med free option as well. Men tend to do better with CBT as it's not digging into emotions but rather a manualized, step-by-step, concrete means of recovering.

[Rose888]

Thanks, Sara.

I'm the one with the low libido, so he's not worried about that side effect, but there are other side effects that make anti-depressants something he won't try.

He's also not willing to go to therapy, as he feels like it wouldn't offer him anything that his own introspection and thinking won't provide. I have my own thoughts about that, but it is his decision, and continuing to argue won't help.

Some of it (hard to say how much) is seasonal, and he combats that by spending several months in a sunnier place.

[SH_]

Just wanted to lend my support and rainbow hugs for you in these challenging moments.
You are a strong woman...
You understand the work and challenges that will happen.

You are in my prayers.

((((((((((Rose))))))))))

[Painter]

Rose, has he tried a daylight lamp? They can really help.

And have you had a hormone screen? It can be hard to get a doctor to do it, but I finally got help and it made a lot of difference.

[Cherry]

It is amazing how much of real life situations that aren't marriage related that you can use dbing techniques. I frequently find myself using validation techniques in every day life, all good practice.

Keep strong like you say and be the lighthouse, it's really hard living with someone with depression and trying not to get sucked into it and letting their moods dictate yours. I hope you can work together through this.