At this point, I'm kind of done being strategic. Done with 180's. Done with picking the right battles -- I don't want any battle, period, because it's all pointless. Done with "doing what works." I am just working on being authentic, being me, being good, holding onto my values, and loving my kids. I try to be kind to my W but no more than is welcome (and not much is welcome), and, again, not because I'm trying to bust anything, but because I believe that's how I want to treat another human being.
The woman I loved isn't there no more. I don't know what happened to her, but she is gone. I think some combination of personality disorder and midlife crisis took her away, and quite possibly the person I thought I loved wasn't quite there in the first place. She may have made a mistake choosing me. She may have forced herself to fit a role she never felt comfortable about. Doesn't matter -- I don't have to have the answers.
She probably has some respect for me, somewhere. But much of her actions are driven by guilt. So her thank you was probably given so she can feel better about herself. And I think what your IC says is absolutely right. I know she knows and remembers very well who I was in her life, and how much I adored her. Which is exactly why she has to make such an effort to be annoyed and angry at me.
But you know what. That's OK. I forgive her. I have no anger for her, just sadness. Reminds me of "I forgive it all," by Mudcrutch. Which is actually one of her favorites.
I send you my best wishes, LT -- a fellow traveller.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
