Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[Rose888]

Painter,

I understand what you are saying. That just means more money wasted on daycare and either rent or getting a house in Michigan. I just want to move on with my life and provide as much as I can financially. As far as STBX is concerned, I am not sure I want her back. She offered 50-50 custody in mediation and I turned it down.

It is not about the money between her and I anymore and me not wanting to pay child support to her. I just want some normalcy again. I cannot perform to the best of my ability at work as a single dad. If STBX still resents me no matter who has the boys, that is on her. I just want to give my kids the best possible outcome between her and I at this point and this cannot be done living such a long distance apart.

One year of me making knee jerk reactions and being inconsistent in my choices is enough.

But don't you see that this would be yet another knee-jerk reaction?

A father should be more than a financial provider. And your success as a father is more important than achieving your highest potential at work.

As SH said, live the new reality for a while.

[J5K]

Painter,

I understand what you are saying. That just means more money wasted on daycare and either rent or getting a house in Michigan. I just want to move on with my life and provide as much as I can financially. As far as STBX is concerned, I am not sure I want her back. She offered 50-50 custody in mediation and I turned it down.

It is not about the money between her and I anymore and me not wanting to pay child support to her. I just want some normalcy again. I cannot perform to the best of my ability at work as a single dad. If STBX still resents me no matter who has the boys, that is on her. I just want to give my kids the best possible outcome between her and I at this point and this cannot be done living such a long distance apart.

One year of me making knee jerk reactions and being inconsistent in my choices is enough.

But don't you see that this would be yet another knee-jerk reaction?

A father should be more than a financial provider. And your success as a father is more important than achieving your highest potential at work.

As SH said, live the new reality for a while.

Rose,

I agree, I will be more than a financial provider, that is my choice on how much I interact with the boys no matter who has custody of them. I need to balance both. I have been living the new reality for a year now, granted not in the best emotional state but have managed to parent these boys as best as I can. I am not doing this for STBX I am doing it because I want to.

[PsySara]

So I am a little late in the game but are you saying you're giving physical custody to your wife? The one who's been completely fine with emotionally, physically and psychologically neglecting them?

[lt0402]

JK, I can't even begin to imagine the number of emotions swirling in you right now. My initial leaning would have been that mediation would lead to at least some closure, but it does not appear that it has. It seems to have only opened up more questions and uncertainty for you and your family.

We all know how amazing of a father and man you are. We all want what's best for you and your family. And it really may be that your latest plan is the best thing for everyone. However, what's the harm in slowing the decision making down? There seems to be no downside to taking a pause to catch your breath.

You now have a legal agreement in place to drive things in the short term. That agreement is your "baseline" option. There may or may not be a better way to optimize that agreement, but I'd ask have you really had a chance to truly clear your mind and thoughtfully think through all your options?

With the immediate pressure off, why not settle in a bit and make sure you're making the best decision for you and the kids. If you take some time and decide your current plan is the best, then by all means follow through with it. However, I'd bet you find a more optimal solution if you give it some time.

Regardless, know that we all care about you and are here to support you. Hang in there brother!

[J5K]

Sara,

So what I recall from Gottman's book, one of the 4 horsemen that causes an M to break up is criticism. It is easy for me and my support team to criticize STBX's actions or statements, likewise for her and her support group. This does not create a healthy R whether it is an S, friend or acquaintance.

I do not know whether or not she and I will ever have a healthy R, M or not. I can't worry about that.

I think part of what gets us here is that LBSs see things in black and white and what I am realizing is that an M or R is really grey. There is no right or wrong answer. Do what is counterintuitive. I have to say, it is one thing to work on yourself and another to work on the R. The things you say and do are not the same for both.

lt,

Here is the thing, I really do not have a whole lot of emotions that I am going through anymore.

STBX called the boys Saturday morning at 8:30 am. Boys were up since 6 am. They had breakfast, then they wanted cheese for a snack at 8 and just before STBX calls they found snack bags of Cheetos. I let them each have one. One of the boys told mommy what they were eating and after she was done speaking with them and we hung up the phone she sends a text criticizing me about feeding them Cheetos at 8:30 am. I did not respond. She no longer has that right to dictate what I can and cannot do with them on my time. Before I would have let that bother me and eat me up for not being the perfect parent. Now, I don't let those negative comments affect me.

Mediation did lead to some closure and it did open new questions up for me. I feel like I am in a different kind of limbo now. I don't think there is a best plan. I am working on my plan for me and the boys which may or may not include STBX.

[Ginger1]

I know this has been quite the roller coaster for you. But there must have been a reason you went through hell and back getting psychiatric evaluations and figuring out who the kids time is best spent with. Even as of recent you expressed co corn over neglectful the parenting.

Now you feel it was just criticism. And she should have custody of the kids?

I'm honestly confused as heck, maybe it's. Or for me to get. It's seems as if you went through he lol and back doing these psyche evaluations , because you really felt the best place for these kids were in the home with you. That's what I read all along. You fought hart to have them be with you, here in America and now you've suddenly decided the kids should live in toto to with their mom.

Like I said, maybe it's not for me to get. But given your comment on your last name seeing it as some sort of hope, and all this talk of reconciliation when she hasn't indicated at all she is going down that path .....

I am so so worried you are making this choice because you think it ups your chances of getting back together.

[Ginger1]

No edit button and responding on an iPad is not a good combo. Sorry if that wasn't clear

[Ginger1]

By the way, just about every divorced mom I know kept their arrived last name. To have the same last name as their kids.

I did not and its a regret of mine. I was going to hyphenate my daughters last name, but in the end I decided not to for her sake. So now we have 2 different last names, but the school still calls me by hers anyways. Should have just kept it

[J5K]

I know this has been quite the roller coaster for you. But there must have been a reason you went through hell and back getting psychiatric evaluations and figuring out who the kids time is best spent with. Even as of recent you expressed co corn over neglectful the parenting.

Now you feel it was just criticism. And she should have custody of the kids?

Well I tried to implement tough love. Obviously that did not work. IDK if anything would have worked. I do know that when I initially had my transfer going things were different and more positive. Not saying she and I would have been back together but I could have taken things day by day and developed a better R with her than a high conflict one we have now. I am not being hard on myself, I am only owning up to my 50%.

I do not think I ever said that she was neglectful. I just stated things the boys told me and what others have observed. Look, there are low income families that I am sure aren't the best parents but they are still parents and they do the best they can, good, bad or indifferent.

We went through he// and back because both STBX and I were pushing and pulling at each other. In the end, no one is happy with the outcome. As I stated earlier, what I want is all 7 of us living under the same roof. That isn't going to happen, so now what I want is the boys to be in a stable environment no matter who has them. Psychologist even stated that if we both lived in the same city she would have recommended 50-50.

The reality is STBX will never work a full time job to contribute financially the way others would think is normal.

I'm honestly confused as heck, maybe it's not for me to get. It seems as if you went through he// and back doing these psyche evaluations , because you really felt the best place for these kids were in the home with you. That's what I read all along. You fought hard to have them be with you, here in America and now you've suddenly decided the kids should live in toto to with their mom.

Like I said, maybe it's not for me to get. But given your comment on your last name seeing it as some sort of hope, and all this talk of reconciliation when she hasn't indicated at all she is going down that path .....

I am so so worried you are making this choice because you think it ups your chances of getting back together.

I have no expectation of getting back together with STBX. That is clear, understood and accepted by me. I am still hopeful but the choice is hers.

[Rose888]

Sara,

So what I recall from Gottman's book, one of the 4 horsemen that causes an M to break up is criticism. It is easy for me and my support team to criticize STBX's actions or statements, likewise for her and her support group. This does not create a healthy R whether it is an S, friend or acquaintance.

I do not know whether or not she and I will ever have a healthy R, M or not. I can't worry about that.

I think part of what gets us here is that LBSs see things in black and white and what I am realizing is that an M or R is really grey. There is no right or wrong answer. Do what is counterintuitive. I have to say, it is one thing to work on yourself and another to work on the R. The things you say and do are not the same for both.

lt,

Here is the thing, I really do not have a whole lot of emotions that I am going through anymore.

STBX called the boys Saturday morning at 8:30 am. Boys were up since 6 am. They had breakfast, then they wanted cheese for a snack at 8 and just before STBX calls they found snack bags of Cheetos. I let them each have one. One of the boys told mommy what they were eating and after she was done speaking with them and we hung up the phone she sends a text criticizing me about feeding them Cheetos at 8:30 am. I did not respond. She no longer has that right to dictate what I can and cannot do with them on my time. Before I would have let that bother me and eat me up for not being the perfect parent. Now, I don't let those negative comments affect me.

Mediation did lead to some closure and it did open new questions up for me. I feel like I am in a different kind of limbo now. I don't think there is a best plan. I am working on my plan for me and the boys which may or may not include STBX.

I'm curious about the part in bold, because I have found that working on me and working on the marriage are the same thing.

For example, I work on not expecting my husband to comfort and validate me. I do it for me, but it makes me less clingy and needy, which improves the marriage. I participate in GAL activities, which gives me passion and energy. I do it for me, but it also brings the passion and energy into our home and marriage.

Can you share some examples of how they are different?