Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi there SH, Cherry, and Buxom. Thanks so much of stopping by. It really has been a stretch of days lately, but today feels like the trend is improving again. I'm gearing up for the next set of legal challenges, and dreading the whole thing, but I have a day or two yet to stall on that whole mess.

SH, I love the image of you sneaking in, and not wanting to be seen. I've been missing you. Pencil smile in process right this very second!!!!!

I wrote quite a bit yesterday, but you know how that goes sometimes... it disappeared before I managed to post it. So.. I will look at this as an opportunity to try, try, try again.

Yesterday wasn't all that great. I haven't dreamt of WH in months, in fact I almost never remember ANY of my dreams upon waking, but yesterday was an exception. Maybe it's because of the decrease in my ADs, maybe it was the trauma and guilt of losing my furry friend....

Regardless, that night I had two awful dreams about WH, including one which took the old ILYBINILWY thing to a new level. (I never heard that speech, by the way, so it makes the dream just that much stranger.) In the dream, I was trying to ask WH what had happened and why he had run away. He first replied that it was because of the syringe and needle caps in my pockets the whole time we were married. Huh? Now, I have to admit that, as a vet who did housecalls, I have been known to have strange stuff in my pockets, those things included, and H did mention it a couple times as a risky habit, but it was never a big deal. In the dream, I was, of course, incredulous at this response. He looked at me, stopped, got this angry/mean look on his face and said it was because he didn't even LIKE me. In fact, he went on to say that he had never liked me! The whole this was stupid because WH actually said the only reason he stuck around as long as he did was BECAUSE he liked me, but whatever... Still, it felt bad to hear, even from a dream-generated WH.

Anyway, that was my second bad dream. The first one was WH showing up at the farm, wanting to take my car, of all things, and just acting mean and smug and so unlike any way that I had ever seen him act, with the exception of the very last time I saw him in April. It was that version of WH that was in both dreams. That person is not one I'd would ever choose to be with, so I think that it may actually be a good sign that I had those dreams. My subconscious is further processing the nature of this new creature, WH, and he's not getting favorable reviews. The funny thing is that I thought I had totally accepted that fact consciously, so why would it show up in a dream, too???

I managed to get back to sleep only to have those two gems followed by yet a third bad dream - this time one in which my chickens were again locked out of their coop overnight. This time, though, their little bodies weren't torn up or eaten at all. They were flat. Not too hard to see that my guilt from two farm accidents was popping back to the surface. Ugh. What a night.

Those dreams set the tone for the day, unfortunately. I just couldn't shake that feeling of guilt and sadness all day. A neighbor came over for a couple hours, and I enjoyed spending time with her, but she was also really saddened about my cat. Everyone feels terribly about it, and none worse than me. And then I feel badly about causing their sadness, too. Deep breath.

I did spend a lot of nice time with my farm creatures for the first part of the day yesterday, and then went for a bike ride with L-friend before taking him to the airport. He's gone for a few days, so we have some built-in time apart, which is probably a good thing, though we've kept in touch.

Today I went for another bike ride (so about 32 miles ridden, total, in 2 days, which isn't bad for physical activity) and then to lunch with H-friend, and I had a really good time. She thanked me for kicking her butt on the bike ride! L-friend always comments on how strong and fit I am. I thought he was just being complimentary, but I suppose his comments have merit, given that he is pretty athletic. H-friend has done a triathlon, so her saying that I kicked her butt is kind of flattering.

Today she introduced me to her favorite species of tree, a type of oak, and we saw three immature bald eagles, as well as a heron and an egret and a bunch of other birds. We forgot our binoculars, unfortunately, so we didn't get to ID the egret or one of the ducks. I really enjoy spending time with another person who is as interested in knowing her surrounding flora and fauna as I am. We each have our own little specialties, so it's cool to be able to both learn from and share with the same person.

So, I'm thinking that the trend is I'm

Tomorrow I am going over to her house for a get-together with members of our local hiking group, so I am still out there, GALing, and meeting new people through that group.

I read this poem today, and it struck me as haunting and beautiful, so I thought I'd share it here. Maybe it will give someone else the comfort that it has given to me today.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.