I have been silent because of my grief and also because there are other factors in my fins which are causing me deep sorrow.
The Giggalo is of course still MIA in Italy with RIT (Russian Italian Tramp, in homage of RosaLinda's Russian Tramp). No oatmeal fermented or otherwise to report. Still no address.
Things move slowly forwards- very slowly. Inch by inch.
I am distressed at the moment because of my stupidity on various issues that effect my legal case. My fins continue to be dire.
Clever nephew lives with me for a while to help protect me. Mainly because I am very afraid of The Giggalo and his faux Divorce adviser. It causes me great guilt and shame that I was ever associated with two anti social personalities like these.
Aged pa is coming to stay next week for a few weeks, the dishwasher has broken, the shower needs repair urgently (been broken for 6 months now) and the roof leaks. I have a broken gate.
All expense, still a year and a half later I am still here, still in business (just) although it has been very close to going under.
I have the cash saved to pay for another year of my gym when it needs renewing in December and that is excellent. Squirrel that I am I survive on scraps and the freezer plus very discounted food and second hand clothes. I threw away my boots from last year the linings had gone and they rubbed my feet. But luckily when I was in the attic I found an older pair I had obviously saved from years ago which will need repair but will do the job nicely.
I am pleased to report that this September I lost 5 pounds of weight, I did do the gym like crazy to achieve that AND I am wearing jeans with a belt and a top which is TUCKED IN!
That made me feel great this week. Yes, I know its not much and I have 15lbs to go to my target (which is 5lbs too much anyway) so secretly its 20lbs. I feel more normal and am in clothes that I can buy in the second hand shops more easily.
I have discarded many clothes that are too big and whilst I was M The Giggalo requested I discarded my more fitted clothes (they don't do you any favours) and started wearing frumpies. So those fitted smaller clothes, frumpies and more recent larger clothes have gone. My wardrobe is quite bare and summer Ts wont do here in our winter.
End result winter wardrobe very sparse. No glamorous stuff left for Xmas so I invested in an LBD from ebay but I have to lose at leat 7lbs before I can squeeze my chunky arms into it. I will be gyming like crazy so I can Xmas glam like crazy.
Plain old Vanilla is going to be less so. That will increase self confidence too.
I bought some new makeup from the pound store (everything �1 that is about $1.50 in US money). I also replaced the purse The Giggalo gave me and the Queen's handbag he insisted I have one Christmas.
This Xmas it will be time to be glamorous. I was once glam (not as much as Glam sis but good enough).
I was afraid of posting on my real Facebook page, afraid that if others saw me as I am now they would find me ugly and repulsive as I sometimes see myself through The Giggalo taunts. The real me has been lost, my self image has been determined by the abuse thrown my way. I posted and it wasn't as bad as expected, some likes!
I also uncovered another OW today, one I didn't know of, the woman who organised my food at the wedding reception. The Giggalo and the Dinner Lady were caught by one of the guests at my wedding and I was told by that guest today. I told the guest that I was not surprised at all, and the guest said she had wanted to tell me and didn't want to hurt me. Quite a few guests knew about it and were annoyed with The Giggalo for it. Nothing I uncover now surprises me and of course its a minor pin prick compared to the skewers already wedged in my heart.
I know I was set up for money and it hurts.
My heart is broken, yet still the anger is blocked. I had moments of it, small glimpses and they did not last.
I want The Giggalo well and more than that he finds his missing soul and conscience so that I never have to hear he has caused more damage. I also want justice for all those he has harmed, in particular his deceased W1, I know that is not my place to want that but I do. I feel she has no voice. The time will come I am very sure of it.
I feel no need to forgive nor to get revenge, I have little anger, bitterness or destruction. Strangely I am distressed for the harm this wayward has caused to others and I would like justice. Not even for me, I have no need of it. I know I must stand and fight and sometimes its a very lonely barren place I find myself. As if my aching voice is in the dark wildnerness calling to only resonant echoes. My higher power deserted me for a while, and I kept hearing the kindly whispered sounds telling me that there would be a time I would know and understand. That I was other than deserted and that the fight to thrive would continue. Some of those voices came from this board and its extended crew that has kept me going and held me in gentle care when I have failed to thrive.
Know that I am crying now, big hot tears of despair and longing for this battle to be over, for the determination to be done. To never know of the Giggalo again, to never hear of him and his hurtful doings. To feel safe.
That is not that which the higher power intended, it intends for me to be ethical to carry my principles with me, even though that hurts and to be truthful and to stand for my beliefs. To speak for those who have been wronged. To fight my battle well so that the truth is known and the law which is blind is not also deaf and dumb.
There are truths my higher power revealed to me in that few days that once known can never be unknown. I am afraid and also perhaps a little excited by the knowledge. I have hope that I can make some changes and petition for some legal rights in the administration of the courts. It is my challenge as if I need more to look to justice not the law. If this seems esoteric and cryptic it must be so as these matters are grave and pending. I may lose a legal battle but the principle I hold dear. I will not be abused, and that includes bullying by legal means.
If you are in a dark place know that it is not a cheeseless tunnel you are in, it is the night of your journey and it is time to rest and heal. I believe in shift not growth, I believe that we can change and become the best we can be. The one thing I know is that there are battles we face alone with only our higher power to guide us. That as we know our link to that higher power despite all that makes us truly in its likeness. It makes us beautiful, loving kind souls who glow with the inner peace. I know it must be as I look into the eyes of a lonely, terrified battle weary woman and I see she has a soul which is still struggling.
The wonderful DBers here are part of my higher power in my spirit and if you are reading this post many years from now that means if you send me your rainbow strength then it is having its effect and I will then have the connection to begin to post again beyond this thread. In the future you will know how things have been for this battle. As I write the future is uncertain and I need your rainbows.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
