Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

Evidence of her MLC have started to spread within W's family, appearing as "marriage problems". This morning I received an unexpected call from W's closest cousin E.M. He lives 2 blocks up from us. We meet every morning to take our eldest sons to school together. We've always gotten along great. I've never said anything to anyone in W's family about her MLC or any "marriage problems". I still haven't told my mother.

Do you remember the scene in 'Goodfellas' where Pauly goes to see Henry over at his OW's house and gives him the you're not gonna get a divorce speech? It was kind of like that.

E.M. said months ago my W had spoken briefly about troubles at home and in a vague manner. He didn't know what was going on other than receiving a general vibe of tension. I have a solid reputation with W's family, it's going to be some work for her to convince them that I am Satan himself, so she hasn't bothered with telling them anything. According to E.M. what she told him sounds to me like her safe narrative used elsewhere; we've been having a tough time lately but she wants to work things out. Of course, with her 3 MLC Friends and the OM, I am the "f#king idiot/moron/a$$hole" or "evil bastard" that she can't wait to kick out of the house once she's financially independent.

He gave me the "start dating her again" speech. I tried to explain her sitch without MLC jargon... She's evaluated her life and is unhappy with most of it. She wants to have fun and party. Whatever she does with her marriage - stay or go - is not on her mind right now. She doesn't see herself as a wife. She loves our children and she is committed to keeping the house (so her mother has a place to live in her senior years), but she wants a life opposite of the one she has. She's not interested in the responsibilities of marriage, parenting or owning a home. She wants to be 18 again.

E.M. persisted with the "start dating again" and "work it out" strategy. I tried to explain what her rationale is and there's no one conversation with anyone that's going to 'snap her out of it'. She's actually stuck in a sickness that doesn't go away overnight. He says that she might have "something like a midlife crisis." I said that's exactly what's going on. This is a guy who spent 5 years in prison. For him, his marriage and his 4 kids are all a new lease on life. He said she's got to move on and grow up. I had no reply for that one.

He persisted, I caved in. I told him to brace himself for a BD, then I told him the problem was so bad for her that she was having an A. He only paused for a moment about it, but I could tell he was very surprised to hear it. The last thing anyone would suspect my W of getting into is an A. I left out the other essentials; burning through $6000 in 8 months, rewriting the history of the entire MR, and MASSIVE amounts of lying to everyone. He agreed not to mention our conversation to anyone, and that he would try to find a way to talk to her, but I warned him not to and that if she sensed he spoke with me that it will push her further towards a D.

I was doing well this week before getting this call. I realized the silliness of her plan to turn her life into Sex and the City... with Three Kids... on Minimum Wage. I was telling myself if worse comes to pass and I wind up a weekend father I will have an easier time adjusting to that than whatever "Fabulous at Forty Single Mom" movie she has playing in her head. I had resigned myself to dealing with a D, I realized I can live through that, that I underestimate my ability to adapt. I wasn't thinking about her or the R, I was thinking about other things I was planning. Mentioning the A to W's cousin brought all those awful feelings back. I feel now like I should have kept my mouth shut, but E.M. came to me out of the blue and with great empathy.