Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[hawker]

Good job on the saying you will look at it when you can! haha..on your time not hers!! Interesting that she is saying things about the OW...yep, she is looking for happiness in all the wrong places...she needs to get happy with herself...I have learned the past few months that I don't "need" someone to make me happy!! Its crazy about your W's medical issues...my W just told one of our mutual friends she was getting the hives again...interesting she hasn't had them in 10 years.....she had them before me all the time with her EX that cheated on her....causes are stress.....

[maybs]

Yeah, I agree. I don't need her to be happy.

Her medical stuff is getting out of control and I don't think she's coping with it very well or getting very much support. Normally she would talk to me and her family about it and she doesn't talk to any of us really...

It's weird about the hives, you think they're just from stress?? That's interesting. I'm surprised I don't have stress hives all the time! lol

[hawker]

Hahaha I would get them too from stress but luckily I don't! Well that is what caused them in the past so....idk

[PsySara]

Hives are definitely caused by stress, especially prolonged stress. Your immune system crashes and those prone to hives usually break out around those times. You WW looks to be constantly looking for ego kibbles from others, very co-dependent behavior. You're doing great with firm boundaries.

[maybs]

Thanks Sara. I'm trying to be good with my boundaries with her and with not getting sucked into her vortex of doom.

I know that marriage is just a paper and all and that it doesn't have to mean anything for my or our future if there was to be one. And honestly, I just feel so exhausted that in a way I think having this finalized will be a bit of a relief. Sure it will be sad to have an official end to our M but that relationship has already been over.

IDK, I'm just exhausted.

[NYGal]

Great job on the validation! The fact that she's saying negative things about the OW is a very, very good sign. Sounds like she's feeling trapped. We can take it as a given that the A won't last. My W used to say all the time that there was something wrong with ow, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it... LOL. The fact that ow was a cold fish was part of it, as it turns out. The drinking didn't help either. Or her sense of entitlement. You learn all sorts of tidbits about the sow after reconciliation.

Of course it's not just a paper, maybs. It's something we had to fight for, so we don't take it lightly. But yes, D isn't the end necessarily. Again, I think you handled your interaction so well. W's hysteria show's her confusion. I hope the D doesn't happen Monday.

[maybs]

Of course it's not just a paper, maybs. It's something we had to fight for, so we don't take it lightly.

This is exactly it. I know technically it doesn't have the be "the end". But at the same time we got married before it was legal here. We had to literally go to a different country to get married and it was a big deal for us. We went and did it somewhere that it was legal because it was important to us to have a recognized marriage. We went at did it so that it would be recognized by the government. And we went and did it without family and without most of our friends because it was that IMPORTANT to both of us that it be legal.

The first time that it was federally recognized (for like all 13 hours in early 2014) she called me from Korea crying because she was so happy that it was finally recognized. Last year when it became legal she said it was like the happiness of our wedding day all over again.

So I feel like that's mostly why I'm so upset. It's something that we did fight for and we fought friends and we found family because it was something we both felt so strongly and passionately for and now she's just throwing it away like it didn't even matter.

I agree that her saying negative things about cow is good. I agree that she does feel trapped. I agree the A won't last. But unfortunately I'm sure that this divorce will go through, probably on Monday, before she's able to see any of those things for herself.

[maybs]

Okay, a few things are rambling around in my head this morning and have been the past few days. And I know that they don't matter at this point in time because my W has shown no indication of calling off this D or wanting to work on the R.

That being said.

I find myself contradicting my own thoughts and flip flopping on my M. I will think to myself that I want my W back, not that I need her back, I don't need her I'm quite fine on my own but I do want her.

I think "I miss her so much" but often can't seem to pin down exactly what it is that I miss, like in day-to-day life I really am perfectly content to be on my own. And yet I feel like something is missing and I think it's her. But then I think about "if she were here right now what would be different?" and I often have a hard time answering that question as well. Many times all I can come up with is "it just would be" or "I just do"

Then I think about the fact, like I said I want her, but sometimes I question if I could take her back. I think about the things she would need to do and I'm like okay if she agreed to those things definitely yes. And other times I think to myself even if she did those things definitely no.

And definitely no, contradicts the fact that I do want her. So then why would I say no?

I don't know. I know it isn't even something I need to worry about and on the whole I'm not worried or anxious about it necessarily. These thought just wander in and out sometimes, they are just...there.


In other news, my nieces birthday party is tonight! I'm excited to see her and can't believe she's 2 already! Not sure if W will be there or not, don't really care to be honest, not after the way she acted towards me earlier in the week.

Speaking of W never heard back from her about the edits I asked her to have her L make to our divorce decree. Nor have I received the revised draft like I requested. For someone who wants it ready by Monday she doesn't seem to be moving too quick.

[maybs]

Well WTF just happened here.

So W texted me on Wednesday asking me to look over the judgement for our D to make sure it was what we had agreed to and that I agreed with it. On Tuesday we had discussed and agreed that she would have her L add something to our agreement. Her email she sent me specifically said that her L had sent her this agreement before she had sent her L the things we had discussed before she stormed out on Tuesday. I told her I would look at it when I had time since I had a busy few days but also told her "if it does not include what we agreed to last night that needs to be added and you can resend it to me"

So I assume that means shes having her L take care of it.

Fast forward to today she texts me to ask when I'm planning on transferring money for the mortgage. I don't respond for a while and when I do this is what happens.....

me: I will get to it. did you have your L make those changes we talked about?

W: i asked you to look at the agreement and see if you agree with what she put in there and you have not responded with an answer

me:I sent you a text on Wednesday that said if what we discussed wasn't in there it needed to be added. I thought you were having it added.

W:what we talked about was added (I said this in the email), but I wanted to make sure it was okay because she used lawyer language.

W:I never said anything about talking to her unless you told me what needed to be changed.

me:okay. can you send me what we agreed on and I'll look at it right now. your email said she had sent you this before you told her what we had discussed so I didn't think what we discussed was added.

(so I re-read the judgement and see again that it was not in there)

W: (sends a screen shot of what we typed and agreed to Tuesday) I thought you would have at least read the email

me: I have been extremely busy. I only had time to glance at it.

W: This is important it should be a priority

me: I'm sorry you feel that I didn't make this a priority. My priorities are different than yours.

me: I'm looking at the email now. And I don't see where it says xxx, it just says we will "make other provision for it" or go back to mediation.

W: she's sending me a revised version I'll send it to you when I get it. It has to be signed Monday morning before court so I'll have to come to the house to have you sign it before I go into work

W: or you can sign it tonight at the party

me: I don't think it's appropriate to do that there. I am not there to sign divorce papers I am there to celebrate my nieces birthday. You are welcome to leave them with me and I can look it over this weekend. But I'm not signing or discussing this with you this evening.

W: I need them signed by 7am Monday monring and in my hands. If we do not then a judge will decide what happens to our assests. So I'll email it to you to review and I'll be at the house 6:30am Monday morning.

me:okay, please make sure you bring your copies of the house keys with you on Monday.

W: I'm not giving you the house key. I'm keeping that. I am still on the mortgage so I will have access to the house.

me: The agreement states that I have sole occupancy, you cannot take away my privacy by entering my home anytime you please. Please bring me your keys.

W: You can have the keys just because I never want to go there. But remember that landlords have keys to their rented homes. So this is me being nice once again. And we need to set up a day and time for me to come to the house and get the things I'm taking.

me:That's fine. We can try to find a time for you to come get your things. I'm sorry you feel that I'm being unfair. Please remember this is not a rental agreement and the same rules do not apply. If you need access to the house you can ask me.

W: we talked about having a rental agreement written up

me: I told you Tuesday that I was not comfortable with that and that we could look into another solution that would better fit our needs (Note** - the only reason we are doing this is because she thinks it will help her buy another house. I do not actually plan on signing anything. the divorce decree clearly states she isn't responsible for making the payments I am)

W: At this point I'm not signing the divorce agreement then
(Also Note*** she did already sign the mediation agreement and it's legally binding so w/e)

me: okay. we had discussed this on Tuesday that we would hold off on this and look into other solutions

W:But this needs to be determined before the court documents are final on Monday. I was under the impression we were writing up a "rental agreement" with obviously some different wording bc of our specific situation

me: Yes. That is what I thought as well. I just was confused by the wording "rental agreement" because we agreed to use different language.

W: well at this point there is not other language so I'm calling it what it will be most like.

me: okay will you be able to print a copy of the divorce decree for us to sign monday

w: yes

okay...wtf crazy town did I just enter... because her original email did not even come close to saying what she said it did and the actual judgement didn't say what it was supposed to... did we even see the same email or the same document...

I tried very hard to keep my cool. But sometimes she just pushes and pushes and pushes..

and the last I had heard she told me she wasn't going to my nieces party tonight and now suddenly she is...I had always suspected that she was lying about her ultrasound getting moved and yesterday I got the confirmation from the radiologist place that confirmed her scan was yesterday. She had told me it was rescheduled from yesterday to today..suspicious.

She has been so angry and combative this week...and I really have worked hard to try to remain calm and validating to her without being a doormat.

[Coly23]

Oh dear Maybs, this is hard enough as it is without also having these confusing convos with W.

I was really sad when I read what you went through to get married particularly because it wasn't legal at that time and you both wanted that. It just makes you wonder how they can push those memories out of their heads with such ease. It obviously goes with the re-writing history fact.... :0(