Ah, what a lovely welcome and thank you all so much! I will update from time to time, but I also want to start reflecting on 'what helps' from 2.5 years on and hope this may be of interest to newbies. My first theme is GAL.
There is a reason we push GAL and that is - it really does help! As you'll see if you read back, I have GALed a great deal over the past couple of years or so. Looking back, I realise I had become rather insular, less confident and overly reliant on the M. I'm sure many of us are/were the same and it is important that we GAL for a number of reasons.
In the dreadful early days, GAL can bring some welcome reprieve to the awfulness of how we feel. If we meet up with a friend or take the kids out for lunch, we focus on something else for a period of time - and that provides blessed and much needed relief.
Secondly, if we don't 'get a life' for ourselves and our life remains much the same (minus spouse of course) there is a gaping hole and we remain attached to our spouse and hope they will return to fill the void in our lives. They remain central to it. I think if we do new things, meet new people, extend ourselves a little, learn new skills, we really start to find satisfaction in these areas of our lives...and the hole begins to shrink. They move from the centre to the sidelines in effect, and this really helps with detachment. We don't 'detach from them' as much as 'attach to our own lives.'
Over time, we become more rounded within ourselves, have better social networks and our time is filled - we become more 'sustainable' without our spouse. Then it becomes more of a choice than a need to get back together with them if that opportunity arises.
Sometimes on the forum, I read threads where posters struggle to GAL. Some of us are extrovert, others less so and we are all equally valid. However (and I don't feel I'm an extrovert) I think the 'out of the house and in company' kind of GAL is important to have in the mix. I think it does help to maybe cook yourself a nice meal when you have an evening home alone. And that's better than not doing anything. But better still if you are off to meet your new walking chums, your book group, choir, yoga pals, dancing mates, colleagues or whomever - and forging those new connections.
I also think it helps to learn something new and that you genuinely enjoy. Over a much longer period (and your spouse may or may not return) you come to realise that you have rebuilt your life without them and GAL was a big part of doing that. You have social plans when you want them, you feel fulfilled, and there are new activities and people in your life that you truly enjoy.
This is truly a time to focus on you and what you want going forwards. It doesn't really matter whether your spouse knows you GAL, or is affected by that at all. What matters is that you are working to rebuild your own life after it has been shattered. I came to realise that GAL was a win/win option. Either your spouse decides to return to a more interesting, independent and outward looking person - or s/he doesn't - and that's okay, because life is full and happy anyway - because we have gently and consistently worked to make it so.
:)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
