You are surely right and eventually she will realise how unconnected she is with the kids. That is out of your control so I urge you to avoid focusing on what she is and isn't doing for them.
A move is a big decision, depending on the distance. You may need legal advice. Idk.
Weigh up the pros and cons of moving and make a decision.This needs to be void of the emotional baggage of your situation.OOtherwise you are just reacting and not for the best reasons.
I got to go. Best of luck.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Ugh, frustrated tonight. Was supposed to hear from the kids tonight. Had made the plan with W for today and she was supposed to call... Waiting till tomorrow to send a text. Just want to say something along the lines of
Expected to hear form the kids as planned last night. Look forward to hearing from them tonight and would like the plan discussed to be kept in future.
Hi all, figured it was time for a bit of an update. I have been following some threads here and there, sorry for not commenting but have taken the last month to really find a good place for myself. There has still been the odd moment of 'how did I get into this mess' thoughts but much further apart than several months ago.
So what's been happening the last month... I felt like I have completely let go, I feel good about the direction I going. Have been out with the meetup group I joined several times and have even started organising some of the activities. I have come to the feeling, rightly or wrongly, that although I still love my W I want someone that will do amazing things for me like I will do for them. Looking back over our years, that isn't who she is. I will not close the door on my marriage but I have come to the thoughts that she is someone that just hasn't got the capacity of self reflection. Maybe some day she will but I'm not going to wait around doing nothing to see if she does.
I am not looking to begin a new relationship but I also don't want to, potentially, miss out on someone either. I have met someone else at the meetup group and have hung out a couple of times after the activity although one of those times was at the hospital after she slipped on some stairs hitting her back pretty hard. I have been out with the group of families that we both know, I had the kids that day so I went with them. W was invited also but didn't go, she actually seems to be avoiding dealing with me in person. I hadn't seen some of them for quite awhile but everyone was saying how good I looked and how I seemed to be. I didn't talk about W, some asked and had told me they had seen W in town occasionally, telling me she looks terrible, I just replied that that is up to her, not my concern right now.
Had a meeting with the bank a couple of weeks ago, when my tax code gets changed in the new year it makes a big difference to my income and I will be able to take over the house.
In terms of interaction with W, something seemed to shift the past couple of weeks. I have not lingered or tried to talk to her, contact only when needed. Son had a soccer tournament a couple of weeks ago that I went to even though kids were not with me that weekend. When she arrived at the meetup, she beckoned me to come to her to say something, I didn't bother so she came over to me. At the soccer, D3 waited and held my hand so W tried to get S7 to hold her hand but he wouldn't. I spent most of the time just playing with son and being with his team. I made no attempt to initiate any conversation with W. At the end, D3 wanted on my shoulders as son was getting his medal, W lingered just behind my shoulder. She is back to emailing me late at night and seems to be getting annoyed when I don't respond. It doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore how she wants to react.
Love the question Sandi, I'm assuming we are going down the line of I finally dropped her....
In these last few weeks, I basically had a great time with son at the soccer tournament and didn't make any attempt to hang around W. She is the one that came near me on a few occasions. Also had a chat with her new friend (also a single mom) after she approached me cause I was looking after her son when he got hurt playing. Saw an interesting interaction between this mom and who I think is the kids father at the next tournament. (can explain this later).
I have ignored her late night emails, after telling her to only contact me between 8am and 8.30pm. This has provoked more hostility and saying she is looking into mediated sessions to discuss important topics. I re-stated once more (2nd and last time I will) that she can contact me anytime between these hours and I will respond at my earliest opportunity and ignore anything else that comes in outside of these hours.
I have had all our joint friends see me and comment on how well I was doing and they know I have been out with someone else. They are all suggesting I see how things go with the new girl and how happy I seem to be. I also made my first ever cake (Guiness Chocolate cake) for the get together and it was a big hit, even the all the kids wanted it.
I have informed W that as of March (year of separation) next year she will be free of the house and me as I will be in a position to take it over completely and she can file.
The only bit I still have some trouble with is seeing how disconnected she is with the kids but as my Uncle explained to me, I can only be their Dad. I can't be both so be the best Dad. He learnt this after his first wife died and he had his 10 year old son to look after.
The last month or so has just felt so much different than all those months before. I feel free, I feel confident in who I am again, I'm not waiting around trying to work out what on Earth is she doing. W has gone on vacation this week and I couldn't care less where she went. I got all this information about it other than where, like I was supposed to be interested and ask questions and I had none. Surprisingly not even a mild curiousity.
To those who might read this, it takes time to get to this point but when you do, you will know. Also, I feel looking back, why did I waste all those months but it is a process that we have to go through but you will get there and be the stronger ones. I have read so much as we all do but it does take time to process. Don't beat yourself up for the low moments, use them to push through, use the anger you feel to come out stronger, to believe in yourself and believe you are worth so much more than you are being treated.
So felt like I just got a real big cry for help today. WW has been on vacation with her BFF the past week. I have had no idea where and she hasn't tried to conctact the kids all week. I got a text today with a run down of the woes of her week. She is delayed because of aircraft problem yesterday, had a day in hospital apparently and isnt sure when she will get home as she has to try and work out train times with limited internet. I replied with "Ok, sounds difficult."
I also had a message from her BFF saying some of the same things and that she was trying to get more details. I replied similar with "Ok, sounds difficult but not really any of my business anymore". This provoked a hostile response from BFF. She seemed agast that I wasn't concerned about the whereabouts of the mother of my children... (Since WW moved out 7 months ago I don't know the whereabouts of the mother of my children 99% of the time. I guess irony also gets lost in the process...)
Thanks Sandi, I do feel good. I have learnt a lot and it has taken some time to rewire myself but it's coming together now. The knowing what i need to do and doing the practical to make that rewiring consistent is a process. It has taken some 2x4's here and from some good friends but I feel good.
There is other research I have used but I don't know if I can mention it here but I have found a really good wing girl who isn't afraid to hand out the 2x4's either.
